Raising Our Rainbow Charlotte

Charlotte's Words....

2011-09-19T18:22:00.003-04:00

This is for me to remember because I have been horrible at remembering to write them down in her baby book.....I need to get on that.
These are words that she can say or make the sign for at 14 and 15 months!

****9-19-11 at 15 months 2 1/2 weeks
38 words and 10 signs.
Mama
Daddy
Dada
Nana
Papa
Kitty
Doggie
more
teacher (Brown Bear book)
Quack, quack
moo
baa
neigh
diaper
poop
lambie (still mamie)
night, night
bye
hi
happy
cup
apple
Ozy (On of our cats)
baby
tubby
no
Abby (a friend)
gentle
pat pat (what we do to the cats, hugs, etc.)
shh, shh
thank you
turtle
KK (Niece Kaelyn and daycare provider Karen)
Shoe
sock (sometimes)
hey
ball
please
Stop

Signs....
More
all done
read
help
eat
milk/nurse
please
come here (our own version)
oh no (our own version)
Where did it go? (our own)

****Charlotte at 14 months

Dada
Mama
Daddy
Kitty....it has come out occasionally
Nana
Papa
Baby
Happy
Lambie
Night Night
Duck
Quack, Quack
Moo
Shh...Shh....when we are playing with the baby doll
Baa....not all of the time
Bye bye...sometimes
Hi....sometimes
Cup....I have heard this a few times
Josh....I've heard this a few times too
Boo...she will sometimes say this when we say it to her

Signs....
More
All Done
Nurse (Milk)
Come here....our own version
Help.....this is a new one. I started this one because she has been screeching so much.
Eat.....we are working on this one
Planning to work on Please & Thank You
When someone walks out of the room, she'll make the hand motion as if to say "Where did they go?"
She also puts both of her hands on her head when we say "Oh no."

And for your viewing pleasure......Charlotte on Saturday at 15 months

My 365 blog

2011-02-19T08:58:00.002-05:00

I just wanted to remind you all about my 365 blog. I am doing pretty good at keeping up with it so far. I have to update it from the last few days. I need to update here as well. I have been a horrible blogger lately. By the time Charlotte goes to bed at night and I get her things ready for the next day, I am exhausted! This week we are on vacation, so I'll try and do a proper update!
Anyway....check out the 365 blog

Car seat safety and extended rear facing.....

2011-01-29T20:58:00.003-05:00

I am borrowing this from my friend Amy over at Family Journeys with Twins....
This is why I am planning to keep Charlotte rear-facing for as long as we can! :) We worked too hard to get her here safely to lose her over something so silly as her legs might be a little squished. So, until she reaches 35lbs, the weight limit for our convertible seat, she will be rear-facing!

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends rear-facing for as long as possible for the best protection. This means that children should rear-face to the maximum limits of a convertible carseat...which is 30-35 lbs. (depending on the seat) OR when his/her head is 1-inch from the top of the carseat shell. The rule that most parents know is that children must rear-face to at least 1 year AND 20 lbs. (the child must be BOTH 1 year and 20 lbs., not either or). What is not well known is that 1 year AND 20 lbs. is the bare minimum and it is strongly recommended that they be kept rear-facing for much longer.

When a child is forward-facing, there is a lot of stress put on his/her neck in a crash. The weight of a child's head in a crash causes the spinal column to stretch...the spinal cord, however, is NOT meant to stretch! The spinal column can stretch up to 2 inches but the spinal cord can only stretch up to 1/4 inch before it snaps, which means paralysis or even death. This is referred to as "internal decapitation"...the child's head would be slumped forward and it would look as though he/she was sleeping. It doesn't matter if the child has great head control...that means nothing. Data is showing that a forward-facing child is 4 times more likely to be seriously injured or killed than a rear-facing child of the same age.

Rear-facing seats do such a great job of protecting children because the back of the carseat absorbs the crash forces. The child's head, neck, and spine are kept in alignment, allowing the carseat to absorb the forces. The child's head is also kept contained in the carseat, decreasing the risk of coming into contact with projectiles.

Something I hear often is "His legs are scrunched up, he must be uncomfortable" or "Won't his legs be injured that way?". There has NEVER been a single reported case of hip/leg/foot injury from extended rear-facing. Even if there were...a broken leg is much better than a broken neck.

Children are much more flexible than adults, so what may be uncomfortable for us, is not for a child. If you watch a child playing, you will notice that they choose to fold their legs up...they don't sit with them straight out or hanging over the edge of the couch. My boys fold their legs up in the stroller and squat or sit with their legs underneath them when playing quite often. They have never once complained about being uncomfortable in their carseats...never...the just fold their legs, hang them over the sides, or prop them up on the seatback. That is comfortable to a child.

Just the other day, when we got into the car, my 3 year old got in his brother's seat (rear-facing) and refused to get out. I asked him several times if he was sure he wanted to ride that way and he said yes. After being forward-facing for almost 3 months, he chose to sit rear-facing again and didn't complain once. He's hovering around the rear-facing weight limit though, so I did turn his seat back around forward-facing today.

As far as being harnessed as long as possible, think race car drivers. They wear 5 pt. harnesses, not just seatbelts. A 5 pt harness is much safer in side-impacts and rollovers, which tend to be very serious/deadly crashes. Most children outgrow their carseats (most go to 40 lbs.) before they are truly ready for a booster. The bare minimum for a booster is 4 years and 40 lbs...a child should be in a 5 pt. harness until then and even longer if possible.

Even at 4 years and 40 lbs, a child should only be moved to a booster if he or she can sit in it properly for the entire trip, every trip. It is extremely important for the belt to fit properly and stay in place (lap belt as low as possible, touching thighs, and shoulder belt between neck and shoulder).

The 5-Step Test.

1. Does the child sit all the way back against the auto seat?
2. Do the child's knees bend comfortably at the edge of the auto seat?
3. Does the belt cross the shoulder between the neck and arm?
4. Is the lap belt as low as possible, touching the thighs?
5. Can the child stay seated like this for the whole trip?

If the answer is no to ANY of those questions, the child needs a booster seat. A 4-8 year old child in a booster seat is 59% less likely to be injured in a crash than a child of the same age wearing a seatbelt alone. On a side note, a booster must always be used with a lap/shoulder belt and it is also important than any person riding in just a seatbelt wear a lap/shoulder belt, not a lap belt only.

You can't control how others drive...accidents happen, it's just a fact of life. So why not keep our children as safe as we possibly can...that is one thing we CAN control. If I am in an accident, I know that I've done everything I can to make my babies as safe as they can be in the car. I know that any injury they have will not be because I did not protect them and I can live with that!"

Food again

2011-01-04T01:32:00.001-05:00

I took all kinds of pictures of a yummy recipe I made for Charlotte. I'm having issues uploading the pictures. I'll figure it out. I really want to share with you.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iTouch

baby food, yummy!

2011-01-02T14:59:00.002-05:00

We decided long before Charlotte and when we were first pregnant with Moira, that we would make our baby food. Granted I have some jars of food, but sometimes when I have given it to Charlotte, she just poo poos it. She would much rather have the food I have made for her. :) Uh oh! Do we already have a foodie on our hands? I started with the basics and made squash, sweet potatoes, peas, green beans, applesauce, pear sauce, mashed banana, etc. I have now branched into making my own oatmeal for her, grinding the oats in the food processor, cooking it, and then adding some fruit and cinnamon to it. She LOVES it!! :) I try to use mostly organic food when I make things for her. I know it's more expensive, but it makes me feel good knowing she is getting food with no pesticides, etc. While we were in Michigan, my mom made a turkey and dumplings. We decided to throw that in the food processor and give it to Charlotte for her lunch the next day. She loved it!! So tonight I am making a yummy meal of chicken, sweet potato, and apple. Yummy! I get most of my recipes from Wholesome Baby Food and we have now started using the book Top 100 Baby Purees. It makes me feel good knowing I am giving my daughter fresh food that I would eat! She has loved everything we have given her.
I'll post some pictures of the chicken, sweet potato, and apple puree later when I am done making it! :)

Charlotte's 1st Christmas! :)

2011-01-02T13:10:00.004-05:00

We went to Michigan to visit my family for Christmas. Charlotte was spoiled, which was great!! :)
Here are some pictures from Christmas.

Christmas pictures we took of Charlotte

Dave dressed up as Santa and we took some pictures. They turned out great!

Another cute one! She kept looking at him so confused.

Another cute one! She is sitting in Dave's rocking chair from when he was little.

My parent's Christmas tree on Christmas morning!

Oh my! It's a big Eebee just for me!!

She loved the tree!

Mama and baby on Christmas morning.

What's this? Can I eat it Mama?

Playing with her toys Christmas morning.
She is getting very good at sitting up on her own!

365 in 2011

2011-01-02T13:08:00.001-05:00

I started my 365 blog! :) It's up and running, so go and check it out!
Charlotte in 365 days 2011

365 in 2011

2010-12-05T08:56:00.002-05:00

I am going to attempt a 365 blog, take a picture everyday for the whole year in 2011! We'll see how that goes. I had a friend do it, http://tatefamily365.blogspot.com/
and I thought that would be fun!
I just need help designing the blog. I am horrible with those kinds of things. I'm going to see what I can figure out!
Anyway, check it out!
Charlotte in 365 days 2011

Happy Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas!

2010-12-02T11:14:00.002-05:00

Our little family on Thanksgiving day.

I can't believe how big she is getting!

A few of Charlotte's Christmas pictures!

2010-10-30T07:44:00.002-04:00

Sorry for no real updates lately. I have a few blog posts saved in my drafts, but I haven't finished them! Anyway, I thought I would share a picture of my cute little dragon!!

Great contest!!!

2010-09-24T20:41:00.001-04:00

Check out this great contest! I would love to win this Ergo baby carrier!! :)
http://www.heavenlyhold.com/pages/contest.htm

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

2010-09-02T15:28:00.002-04:00

I submitted Moira's story on this amazing blog!

Moira's Story

It's that time of year again....

2010-08-28T11:12:00.006-04:00

Fall! I love fall!! I wish we could have cool, 75 degree weather all of the time, but alas I live in New England! It doesn't work that way. The leaves have been changing colors earlier this year since we haven't had a lot of rain. Seeing orange leaves in the middle of August is just strange! We finally got some rain a few days ago, so that was good.

I was away for a week and a half! We took our yearly vacation to Cape Cod. The weather was OK, cloudy and we got one good beach day!

Here is our little beach bum sleeping on the beach.

Dave tried taking her in the ocean, but it was just a little too cold for her. Oh well! We also tried taking her in the pool at the house we were staying at. She wasn't too fond of that. She loves the bath, but the pool was too cool.

Here is a nice picture of Charlotte and I hanging out after going swimming! :) She was much happier being warm in her clothes instead of the pool!

Hanging out with her cousin Josh who she just loved!! :)

I liked this picture of her and I on the beach. This was on on of the cloudy days. :(

After the Cape, Charlotte and I flew out to Michigan for my brother's wedding! I can't believe my little brother is married! Sigh.....I feel old! It was a very nice ceremony. Charlotte slept through the whole thing!! The reception was fun and C did well with all of the new people. The next day though she was a little over stimulated and clingy when we had more family and friends over at my parent's house.

My brother and his new wife Jessica during the ceremony!

Charlotte hanging out with my mom.

Now we have been back home and getting prepared for the start of the school year. I go back to work on Monday and feeling a little nervous. We did a trial run at daycare this week and Charlotte did great! Dave and I got some time to ourselves for the first time since she was born. We've had a few times where we run out to the store real quick while one of our parents were watching her, but otherwise we haven't had a few hours together. We went shopping for new sneakers, ran some other errands, and enjoyed each other. I was a little freaked out, but I did OK.
I'll update again next week and let you know how our first week went!

Nursing Cover Giveaway

2010-08-28T11:10:00.001-04:00

Check out the giveaway on this blog......http://shesmommafied.com/2010/08/babybond/comment-page-2/#comment-1162

Charlotte's Story--Bringing our rainbow home!

2010-08-12T11:52:00.007-04:00

Charlotte was conceived about 5 months after we lost Moira. We couldn't believe how quickly we got pregnant with her and we were so excited and scared of course. I had a closely watched pregnancy with blood pressure checks, ultrasounds, NST's, and OB appointments. Plus my OB was always an e-mail away if I had any questions. Her and my high risk OB wanted nothing more then to bring us a healthy baby safely!
Our plan was to have a repeat c-section so that we could hopefully deliver Charlotte on June 4th, the start of my 37th week. We went in that morning by 8am for an ultrasound and amnio with the high risk doctor to check her lung maturity. My OB was there as well, she is the one who delivered Moira, so this was a big day for her too. After the amnio, we were to wait on the results over in Labor & Delivery triage, that way if we got the go ahead we would be ready to go.

Last picture of Charlotte and I together!
Waiting to hear if she would be joining us that day!

They promised us we should know the results by 10am. Both of my OB's left us with hugs and fingers crossed and we waited in triage. 10 am rolled around and still no results, and so we waited! I was STARVING, but this was all for a good cause! I couldn't even have any water to drink. I think around 11 or 11:30 we got the results of the amnio and Charlotte's lungs were VERY mature and ready to go!! The prepping began, my OB was so excited and went to change into her scrubs while they prepped me. We had to wait on the anesthesiologist to come and prep. me as well. They were called to an emergency, but had already come in to talk to us and have me sign the paperwork. Finally by 12:30 we were ready to roll! They took me into the OR and Dave got his scrubs on. The anesthesiologist was amazing! She held my hand and one of the nurses let me hug her and my OB sat on the bed next to me while they started the spinal. Once that was in and they prepped me, Dave was aloud to come in. The whole process was relaxed, calming, and such a different experience. The anesthesiologist sat next to me and held my hand some more while they were prepping me before Dave came in, once he was in, she was close by to help us out. I was a mess while they were cutting me open. I was so scared and excited and crying. Dave was amazing, holding my hand, wiping my tears, kissing me, and telling me it was going to be alright. I remember asking my OB how it was going, and she said we were close. Next thing I know I felt tons of pulling, but it was so different then what I felt when they were delivering Moira. It didn't hurt as much and of course it didn't seem as rushed. All of a sudden I heard some gurgles and my OB shouting to get the suction and then the best sound in the world filled that OR. My screaming rainbow baby!!!

My beautiful screaming baby!
1:10pm 8lbs 1.4oz, 20inches

I lost it! I kept telling my OB that I all I wanted was to hear her scream and scream she did. She let us know she was not happy about being pulled out of my warm belly. Dave stood up and got to see her and told me she was beautiful. They took her to clean her up and Dave joined them. Charlotte was screaming the whole time and I was crying. Dave brought her over to me wrapped up like a burrito and she was still screaming and I told him I wanted to kiss her! He brought her close to me and I kissed her face and talked to her and she immediately stopped crying. She heard her mama's voice and knew everything was going to be alright.

We are a family!

After our little family met for the first time, they had to whisk her away and so Dave followed while I was sewed up. The anesthesiologist came and sat with me again. She kept telling me how beautiful Charlotte was and how strong I was to have gone through all of this. Everyone in the delivery room was aware of our history, so it made it that much more of a special delivery for us!
Once I was in recovery, I kept asking when I could see Charlotte. Finally the nurse called down and we found out her sugars were low so they were bringing Charlotte to me to breastfeed and have some skin to skin. Finally the moment I had been waiting for!! Charlotte latched on like a pro and the beginning of a wonderful relationship began!

Mama & baby together at last!

Our happy little family

We battled with her sugars being low, a nurse that wanted to give her a bottle instead of supplementing at the breast, jaundice, supplementing with formula, and then finally bringing our rainbow home!!

Finally going home! Charlotte didn't like the car seat!

Nighttime Diapering

2010-08-09T13:15:00.001-04:00

This has been a discussion in our house as Charlotte has gotten older and has been sleeping longer stretches occasionally. I asked some friends and did some research on how to to stop the leaking and having to change her diaper during that early morning feeding. Her jammies were getting wet and when I had to change the diaper AND her jammies, she woke up more and thought it was playtime! I was hoping I could use something that I already have as opposed to buying something new. I currently use Bum Genius One Size diapers, mostly their 3.0 diapers, but I just recently bought some of the new 4.0 diapers. I also have some small Fuzzi Bunz old style and new style diapers. Both of these diapers are pocket diapers and you can stuff them with extra inserts, etc. to help with heavy wetting.

Tonight I will start with a small Fuzzi Bunz pocket diaper.

I decided to try a newborn insert along with a newborn prefold diaper stuffed into the pocket. So far we have gone 3 nights and no leaks and no early morning diaper and PJ changes. This makes for a happy mommy since we can go back to bed after that early morning feeding. This also makes for a happy baby since she isn't soaked! :)

After I stuff the newborn insert into the diaper, then I stuff the newborn prefold on top of the insert.
Then I have my nighttime diaper ready to put on the cute baby! It's a little thicker then her regular diaper, but so far it's been working!

21 more days

2010-08-09T09:28:00.004-04:00

As I sit here drinking my coffee and watching Rachael Ray, I see my sweet, precious girl sleeping away in her swing. She has finally started taking a regular morning nap most mornings. It's been a process, but we've figured it out. Some days I get an hour and other days I get two. Anyway, sleep is another blog post for another day.
21 days......sigh. That's how many days I have left before I go back to work and leave my precious daughter in the care of someone else. I know she will be in good hands, but having been a nanny myself for a little babe, I know there will possibly be many firsts that I will miss. Charlotte hasn't started rolling yet, she's not fond of tummy time and will tolerate playing on the floor for a little while. I try to do it with her everyday. It hit me this morning as I showered with her sitting in her bouncy seat outside the shower, that I could possibly miss her rolling over for the first time. This really sucks! These are the sacrifices I have to make though. Am I OK with these sacrifices? No, not really. I mean, come on, my first daughter died! I will never have any firsts with Moira, never! Here I am blessed with another chance to experience these firsts and I have to send her off to daycare, where they might possibly get to see them!
I have to admit though, I have the perfect job to have with kids. I work in a Jr. High. I go in at 7ish and I'm out by 2pm. I have nothing to bring home with me. I get to leave work right away, no late days, do duties, etc. I can run right to daycare since it's behind the high school which is across the street from me! I can pick her up and we have the afternoon together. I get the weekends, holidays, school vacations, and then summer! So, I really do have the perfect job, if I have to work.
With the economy the way it is and the fact that we need to buy a new car for Dave, I have to work. We need my paycheck to help pay the mortgage. Thank goodness for Dave's extra job as Energy Manager, which will help to pay for daycare. It would be great if we could afford a nanny!!
This is where I am, trying to enjoy every last minute I have with her, but also worrying about our next big transition. I think tomorrow, if I can remember to bring my camera upstairs tonight, I will do a day in the life of Mama and Charlotte. That way I can document how we have spent our days!
Now I will leave you with some daily cuteness! This is Charlotte cuddling with my Uncle Andy when we went to visit him on Saturday.

Make your own cloth wipe solution

2010-08-08T15:17:00.004-04:00

In our house we use cloth diapers. Since before I was pregnant with Moira, I knew I wanted to use them. I did tons of research and got lots of help from friends and some great websites. I worked on my stash of diapers for her and I couldn't wait to use them! When Charlotte came around, my long awaited cloth diapers were now going to be used! I couldn't wait! I also decided to try out cloth wipes.

I found this a woman on Diaper Swappers who makes wonderful wipes. I am not creative in any way, so Eli's Wipes are great for me. What I like about her wipes, as opposed to just flannel wipes, is she backs them with sherpa, velour, and a few other types of materials. These make the wipes thicker and nicer when wiping that wonderful breastmilk poo! I have a mixed variety of velour and sherpa. I have decided that I prefer the sherpa over the velour, so when I placed my last order from her I ordered all flannel/sherpa wipes. I only started out with about 30 wipes and now that we are using them on a regular basis I need more to get through a few days. I just placed an order for 45 more wipes! I am hoping that these will last us a little longer.
After doing a lot of research online for a good wipe solution to use with my cloth wipes, I decided on a combination of Burt's Bees baby wash, water, and Burt's Bees baby oil. I use the handy dandy squirt bottles that I swiped while we were in the hospital and they work great!!

After I have assembled my supplies, the first thing I do is fill the squirt bottle halfway with water. Then I add a few drops of baby oil and a few squirts of baby wash.

Then I fill the squirt bottle up and shake to mix. Before each use, I give the bottle a shake to mix it up before I squirt some on the wipe!

So, that's what I do for my cloth wipes and wiping my baby's bum! We've had no diaper rashes since using cloth diapers and her bum smells fresh and clean after she's wiped up! Now I'll leave you with a bit of cuteness!!

Charlotte is 2 months old!

2010-08-03T12:59:00.002-04:00

I can't believe my little girl is 2 months old already. We have less then a month left before I go back to work and C starts daycare. Sigh.....not what I want to do, but it's what I have to do. Let's see.....we are getting lots of great smiles and hoping to hear a laugh soon. No rolling over yet because she still isn't fond of tummy time. Charlotte has lots more awake time though, which is nice when she is in a good mood and we can "play." I've been trying to give her more floor time, both on her back and her tummy, shaking toys in front of her, talking to her, singing, and playing music too. She really loves her vibrating bouncy seat and she'll sit in it while I make breakfast or lunch or while I take a shower. Napping still isn't the best, but we are getting there. Some days are great and other days not so much. Sleeping at night has been good though. Once she is down for the night, which is anywhere between 8:30 and 10pm, she will go anywhere from 5-6 1/2 hours, wake for a feeding, and then back to sleep for another 2-3 hours. We had been snuggling in bed and sleeping until 9 or 10am, but I've started getting up with her between 7 & 8am. That way I can get some good awake time for a shower for me and playtime with her. Most days she will take a nap sometime between 9:30 and 10:30am and I then I can pump and get a few things done around the house. After dinner lately, it's been cool outside, so we have been taking a walk. It's usually her cranky time, but she loves riding in her stroller for a walk. Now that she is focusing more, she loves looking around. When we get home, we get ready for a tubby if it's bath night and then snuggle in bed for some nursing and relaxing.
In two weeks we are going away for our Cape Cod vacation and then Charlotte and I will leave from there to go to Michigan for a few days for my brother's wedding. we will have a busy week and a half. Dave and I are excited to take her to the beach and Dave really wants to take her in the ocean, so we are going to look for a nice baby floaty for her to use. I can't wait!
Anyway, that's how Charlotte is doing!
I will leave you with some cuteness!

Baby Half Off

2010-08-01T11:09:00.000-04:00

Check out my favorite place for finding good deals on great baby things!

How about some......

2010-07-21T13:05:00.002-04:00

cuteness?? Sorry I haven't been around. One handed typing is hard!! :)

Charlotte is one month old!!

2010-07-04T20:18:00.003-04:00

Happy Father's Day

2010-06-20T15:29:00.001-04:00

Happy Father's Day to my amazing husband!

Dave & Moira

Dave & Charlotte

Charlotte is here!!

2010-06-19T14:51:00.003-04:00

It's been crazy & we are still adjusting! Just wanted to share some pics!
Born June 4th at 1:10pm, 8lbs 1.4oz, 20in. She came out screaming & the whole birth was a much better experience!

4 more days......

2010-05-30T12:29:00.002-04:00

We have possibly 4 more days until we meet our sweet rainbow Charlotte! I can't even begin to believe it!! We go in Friday morning at 8am (EST) for the amnio to check her lung maturity. We should know by 10am whether or not they are ready, and then if her little lungs are ready, we should be in the OR no later then noon time!
Wow!!! We are pretty much ready for her. I just have to finish up a few things in the nursery and then just make sure the house is straightened up this week. It's been cleaned up and looking good, I just want to make sure it's super clean by the time we leave for the hospital. Well.....maybe not super clean because I am not the best housekeeper, but clean and presentable!

Maternity Photos

2010-05-24T18:33:00.002-04:00

Here is the link to the preview of our maternity photos! I can't wait to see the rest of them!

http://www.heidihope.com/blog/a-and-d-maternity-portraits-rhode-island-and-massachusetts-maternity-portrait-photographer/

35 weeks

2010-05-23T18:09:00.005-04:00

I took some pictures today at 35 weeks 2 days! I was comparing them to my pictures of me pregnant with Moira at the same time, 35.2 weeks, and I look much healthier this time around.

I dyed these t-shirts and hat for Charlotte! She is going to be styling!! I love the way they turned out!

I went through my cloth stash and got things ready for Miss Charlotte. The first picture is of my prefolds and small and xsmall covers

Here are the small all in ones and pockets.

These are the xsmall all in ones and pockets

One size diapers

X-Large wetbags for traveling, daycare, and to use downstairs.

I am feeling very ready for Charlotte! She can come anytime she wants to now! If she does decide to come on her own, then that would be fine. I would still go for the c-section, but then maybe I won't need to have the amnio.

Happy 1st Birthday to my sweet angel

2010-05-08T16:28:00.001-04:00

Happy Birthday to my sweet Moira Mae. Daddy and Mommy love you and miss you everyday and I hope you will continue to keep watch over your baby sister.

2010-04-22T11:50:00.001-04:00

Thank you SO MUCH to Jill over at Vermont Angels for taking these pictures for me!!
http://vermontangels.blogspot.com/2010/04/moira-mae.html

They are beautiful!!

Hello there blogging world

2010-04-22T08:30:00.002-04:00

I have been really neglecting my blog lately. I have had a lot going on and I'm trying to cut out some internet time. I only have 6 weeks left until Charlotte is here, so internet is going to take a back seat!! :) I am going to want to spend as much time as I can with that little girl.
I am almost 31 weeks and feeling really good. I have two more weeks left of work. I have been going in twice a week to the OB's office for the last two weeks. Next week I start my weekly NST's and I have already been having weekly ultrasounds. Monday we have a growth ultrasound and a meeting with the high risk OB. We are going to sort of finalize our plans for delivery! I can't wait to meet with her!
We are on vacation this week and it's been relaxing. We haven't done a lot, but we are planning to do some major cleaning today! We have to clean and organize our guest room and basement a little too. It will be nice to have that organized!

I will end this post with pictures of me from yesterday at 30 weeks 5 days! I feel HUGE!!!

Picture Post

2010-04-10T19:56:00.002-04:00

Here are some 3D pictures of Charlotte taken at my ultrasound on Friday at 29 weeks. The tech was having a hard time getting good shots, but these were the best. Charlotte has been an acrobat and her feet were by her face with her bum up on the upper right side of my belly. :) So, her feet were in front of her face and it was hard to get clear shots.

Here I am at 28 weeks 2 days with Dave on Easter Sunday. It was gorgeous and so warm out last weekend and now it feels a little more like Spring. :)

Moira's Name Gallery

2010-04-03T15:50:00.000-04:00

Moira's Waterfall

2010-04-03T14:58:00.003-04:00

I completely forgot about posting this pictures! Thank you to Lisa over at Waterfall Angels for the pictures! They are beautiful!

25 week growth ultrasound

2010-03-14T09:42:00.001-04:00

I had my growth ultrasound yesterday at 25 weeks! Charlotte is about 1lb 13 oz right now and she is growing just fine! Everything looks good, she was practice breathing already. We saw her open and shut her hand, take a little drink and swallow, and of course move around some. It was probably one of the best ultrasounds I've had!! My friend Karen came with me and she loved it so much! She has never really seen a good ultrasound. She had them with her kids, but they are nothing like they were. The tech. tried a 3D image, but it's still kind of early and Baby C had her hand in front of her face at that point. She did look pretty cute though!! I can't quite tell who she looks like yet. When we had one at 36 weeks with Moira, we could tell right away she looked like Dave.
My OB said that in April we can schedule the C-section for June 4th, just in case I can deliver that day. She said she already has it blocked off for that day so that nothing else gets scheduled! How awesome is she?? If we can't deliver that day, then we'll just have to wait and see what my numbers are for the amnio, etc. We won't deliver any later than June 11th though!! I did tell her that if we have to go past the 4th, that I know myself and I know that I am going to start to get anxious and panic some. She totally understands, so we are hoping for the best! I will see the high risk OB at 32 weeks, around April 30th and we'll get some more confirmation from her.
Alright, that's it from here for now. I'll do a better update soon. I just wanted to post these pictures!!

24 weeks 2 days

2010-03-07T14:29:00.004-05:00

Viability! If something were to happen, little Charlotte's chances of living are increasing day by day. Not that I am expecting anything to happen, but you just never know these days. Look at Michelle Duggar and her little girl Josie. I'm feeling good, tired. I think I am more tired this time around, but I guess back to back pregnancies will do that. I am starting to get anxious about getting the house cleaned up and organized. We really let it go after Moira died, so now that we know Charlotte will be here in 3 months, I really want to get it organized!! That would be the nesting instinct settling in for the long haul. Charlotte has been moving more and more. I think I am feeling hiccups too, which I was never quite sure if I felt them with Moira. Baby C really likes to kick mommy's bladder too, which results in more trips to the bathroom.
The other night I was laying in bed watching TV with Dave and I was feeling Charlotte move around. I got the strongest, most overwhelming feeling that everything was going to be OK. I was a little scared and I almost cried, but I just knew it was going to be OK. We are going to bring her home. I already feel like she is more active then Moira, but maybe I just notice more because I know what I am looking for. I don't know......
Spring is in the air around here. The last two days we have opened up our windows and let the house air out. The dusty, yuckiness of winter is leaving the house!! I love when we can open the windows in the house! I hate when it gets too hot to do that and we shut things up and turn on the air! We've done a little cleaning up this weekend. Organized our clothes closet in the computer room, went through stuff we didn't want, and cleaned up all the junk that was accumulating there. Next weekend we work on the guest room. Both rooms had become a catch all for our junk. The guest room needs to have things moved down to our basement to storage and then just cleaned up and aired out! That could take a day or two, we'll see!! I also want to start organizing some things in the nursery, but I think about it and then I feel anxious about it. I think I am a little afraid to really make it Charlotte's nursery, but I know that I need to. I am planning to take away a couple of things and add a few things to make it hers. I still have time, but I also really want to get working on it too. My mom is going to buy me a few things at IKEA to add to the room that match our theme. I can't wait to get them!! My parents will bring them out when they come for Charlotte's arrival!

OK here I am today at 24 weeks 2 days

And just for comparison sake, here I am at 25 weeks 1 day pregnant with Moira.

Life, Love, and Happiness

2010-03-06T10:07:00.005-05:00

I woke up in the middle of the night sometime and this blog post was going over and over in my head. I wasn't sure what I would write exactly, but the name of the post was the first thing I thought of when I woke up.

Life: My life has been so up and down these past few years. In general, Dave and I have had lots of ups and downs in our marriage, but I think the last 2 years have been the worst we have ever experienced. First off suffering from unknown infertility. Trying for over a year to get pregnant and then finally getting pregnant, only to lose our most cherished daughter soon after birth. Then getting pregnant again almost 5 months later and enduring a high risk pregnancy. Sometimes life sucks, it really does. Life throws you for a loop, you go about your life expecting certain things to happen, and then BAM it doesn't go the way you expected it to go. It just sucks and it's so unfair. Now I feel like I sometimes live my life sort of jaded. I may not always be the optimistic person I used to be because somewhere deep down, I know you can't always count on a good outcome of life.

Love: I am more in love with my husband today then I have ever been. He is my rock, my love, my best friend. He is an amazing man who has helped me gain more strength and courage then I have ever thought I could have. I also have to credit Moira for some of the strength and courage as well. I never thought I had it in me, I never thought I could make some of the decisions I have made until she came along. I love her more than life itself and I wish she could be here. If she were here, we wouldn't be expecting Charlotte, but we are expecting her and maybe that's how it's supposed to be. It's weird how that works sometimes. I also never thought in a million years I could love a person as much as I love my daughter and daughter to be. I have so much love for them. I also never thought I could love my husband more everyday. I thought I loved him very much, but it just keeps growing. Love is definitely a good thing to have in your life. I don't know what I would do without it!

Happiness: Sometimes I wonder, "Am I really happy?" How can I be happy? My greatest treasure was taken away from me. One of the happiest days of my life was the day I married Dave. We have had a wonderful marriage and he makes me happy everyday. The next happiest day of my life, was the day we found out we were pregnant, and then after that was the day we found out we were having a girl. It all came crashing down the day she was born and we found out she wasn't going to live. How could I ever be happy again? What would make me happy again? Having her in my life, that would make me happy. I know that's not possible. She is in a better place where she isn't in any pain and I hope that my Grandma is taking care of her. When would I be happy again? When I meet Moira in heaven? Would I ever feel that happiness again? Well, the day we found out I was pregnant with Charlotte and the day we found she is a girl. My smile came back, but I just haven't been completely happy. My happiness is somewhat jaded, there are all of these questions and worries surrounding this pregnancy. Will it happen again? Am I doing something wrong? Did I do something wrong before? What can I change? Will we be able to bring Charlotte home? Will our hearts heal just a little? Will the smile and the happiness come back to our lives again? There are just so many unanswered questions.
I try everyday to enjoy this pregnancy, but there are some days that it's so hard. I get so scared and all I want is for this pregnancy to be over so we can have Charlotte here with us. I try not to let those scary days over power me and get in the way. I try to have more happy days and enjoy every little kick and jab, but sometimes I just want to crawl into bed and forget any of this ever happened.

My first knitting project!!

2010-02-21T19:26:00.002-05:00

So, I have been taking a knitting class, not sure if I have mentioned that here or not. I started on my first project, a blanket for Charlotte. I am so proud of myself because it's looking great. I had to go and get some help from the woman I am taking the class from because I had messed up. She helped me out. We had to take a lot of it out, so it was like I was starting over again. That's OK, I spent today working on it so I could catch up. I did A LOT today! So, I wanted to post a picture of my progress so far.

Moira's Heart on Valentine's Day!

2010-02-14T15:45:00.001-05:00

This was made for me by Jennifer over at The Blue Sparrow. Thanks Jennifer! I really appreciate it!! :)

Dave's Moira Tattoo

2010-02-13T20:52:00.001-05:00

Today Dave and I went to the tattoo place and he finally got his tattoo for Moira. It's beautiful. The guy did an amazing job and he spent a lot of time getting it perfect. :) Now I want one, but I have to wait until Charlotte is born!

Internation Babylost Mother's Day

2010-02-12T19:32:00.000-05:00

I'm still around.

2010-02-10T09:01:00.004-05:00

I am here, I haven't fallen off the face of the planet. I have just been busy and have had a lot going on lately.
I am currently 20 weeks 5 days pregnant and starting to feel baby Charlotte moving a lot more. She will sometimes startle me and have a party in my belly. It seems like her kicks and movements are getting stronger, which I LOVE!!!
Here I am at 20 weeks 1 day, last Saturday.

I have started taking a knitting class. I am so excited. It's Tuesday nights from 7-9, which for me is a little late, but it's fun and I love the place where I am taking classes. Last night I was doing so well, that my teacher got me started on my first project. I am making a blanket for Charlotte. I picked out a multi-colored yarn that I hope will look nice when it's done. I am hoping that I can learn to make a hat that matches after I am done. I eventually want to learn how to make shorties and longies, etc. for Charlotte to wear with her diapers! A friend of mine offered to make me a soaker for Charlotte, so I bought the yarn and sent it to her. I can't wait to get it!!
I found a wonderful woman on Hyena Cart who makes beautiful shorties, longies, etc. Wool Baby Knits is the name of the store.
Here is a picture of the shorties! They are so adorable.

I have been trying to decide what I want to get for a coming home outfit for Charlotte. I have tons of clothes, but I just want to get a few things that I bought just for her.
This is what I want for sure!
http://www.gymboree.com/shop/dept_outfit.jsp?PRODUCT%3C%3Eprd_id=845524445984811&FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=2534374306238822&bmUID=1265811938827&productSizeSelected=0

http://www.gymboree.com/shop/dept_item.jsp?PRODUCT%3C%3Eprd_id=845524445985503&FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=2534374306245618&bmUID=1265811967809&productSizeSelected=0

I also picked out a few little things from Carters, so we'll see. I am going to get the Gymboree outfit for sure. I am hoping it will go on sale. They are having a sale now, but that outfit isn't on sale. Hmmm.....what to do!? If I bought it now, I could get double Gym Bucks, so I don't know.

Today we have a snow day, but the snow hasn't started yet. It's supposed to get going soon though and be really bad tonight!
Next week is our vacation week and I am so looking forward to the week off. We are going to make some day trips and maybe go down to see my in-laws. Other than that, sleeping in will be in order. Today right now, I am lounging in bed. I am getting hungry, so I think I might venture downstairs to figure out some breakfast. I also want to work on my blanket for Charlotte.

Cloth diapers!!

2010-01-23T17:44:00.010-05:00

Awhile back a friend asked to see some pics of my cloth diaper stash. At the time I wasn't ready to go and take pictures. I think I wanted to wait until we were pregnant and we knew what we were having. Now that we know both of those, today I decided to take some pictures. I spent some time in the nursery taking pics of my fluff. I also spent some time looking around, looking through the clothes, and just sitting in the room. I kept thinking, we are having a baby, we are having a baby that we get to bring home, we are having a baby girl. I get to use everything in this room. Sigh....I love the nursery. I have to get used to calling it Charlotte's room and not Moira's room. I don't really like that, but it is what it is right?

Anyway, here are my fluffy pictures!

My prefolds with XS and S covers

XS/NB AIO's and Pockets

Small AIO's and Pockets

All of the smalls, extra smalls/newborns

My kind of yucky looking Kissaluv's fitted diapers.

Cloth wipes

Cloth wipes

All of them! :)

update and baby pictures!!

2010-01-23T17:35:00.007-05:00

OK, here is a quick update! We had our ultrasound yesterday. We were in there for an hour!! The tech. was very good!! She checked at least 4 times to make sure baby really is a girl! It was awesome! She checked in the beginning and then towards the end and no little penis popped out, so she is almost 100% sure. My peri happened to be there, so the tech. checked in with her and then she ended up coming in to see us. We were a little worried that she was coming in, but she said everything looks great and there were a few measurements that weren't really clear because baby was moving so much. :) So, she wants me to come back in 4 weeks to check again and make sure baby is growing like she should be. I think she is just being extra careful with us, which is fine with me!
After that, we went to see my OB. She was so happy for us too.

It is looking like we are going with Charlotte Eowyn (A-o-win). Eowyn is from Lord of the Rings, Dave's all time favorite story, movie, etc.! She is a warrior and Dave said this baby girl is his warrior who will come home with us. He is very adamant that we use Eowyn for that reason and I don't want to fight him! Plus, I really like the name. We also like the idea of the nickname Charlie or Charley or something like that for the spelling for Charlotte.

Here are some pics of our little Charlotte!

Baby girl parts!!

Profile picture!

My dream came true!!!

2010-01-22T19:21:00.000-05:00

We are having a baby girl!!!!! Dave and I are beyond excited right now!!! Dave knew all along this baby is a girl, but I just didn't want to get my hopes up! The ultrasound tech. checked for us about 3 or 4 times just to make sure. No little penis popped out, and we saw the 3 little lines!! Baby is a girl!!!!!

I'm being blatantly honest here.......

2010-01-16T19:28:00.002-05:00

On Friday the 22nd we have our gender ultrasound. I am so nervous and excited all rolled into one. I am nervous that we are going to have a boy and that I am going to be disappointed at first and once it sets in, I will be fine. I will be fine because we WILL get to bring this baby home and that's all that matters. I am being honest by saying that I really want a girl. I want to give my husband another daughter, a daughter that we get to keep forever and bring home with us. He was so excited when we found out where were having Moira. I have everything ready for a little girl. I am afraid that Moira was our only chance at a daughter.
Boy or girl, we'll be fine. We'll be fine because we are having a baby, another baby, a baby that will bring the smile back and mend our broken hearts just a little. Anyway, so there is my honesty for today! Sigh.....

What's for dinner?

2010-01-16T18:39:00.002-05:00

This is what's for dinner tonight! Yummy! Along with some steak tips on the grill.

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/alton-brown/baked-macaroni-and-cheese-recipe/index.html

2010-01-12T16:53:00.002-05:00

This was our dinner last night!
http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/rachael-ray/chicken-and-dumplings-recipe/index.html

Oh my goodness was it awesome!!! :) I have been in the mood to try some different things. I was getting tired of the same old thing. Plus, it's been so cold, so some nice warm comfort foods are great too! It made enough for leftovers and I can take some for lunch for a couple of days as well. Since I am staying away from lunch meats while I am pregnant, I like having different things for lunch. I have a yummy looking macaroni and cheese recipe I am going to try as well to make for me for lunches as well!
http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/alton-brown/baked-macaroni-and-cheese-recipe/index.html

OB apt. and a good friend!

2010-01-09T19:28:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I had jury duty and I got released early! I called my OB's office and they were able to get me in earlier because my appointment was originally at 4pm. So, I went to lunch and then headed over to my apt. I was feeling a little anxious because Dave couldn't be there with me and I was so worried they wouldn't be able to find the baby's heartbeat. I guess that is the post-loss mama feelings coming through. So, my blood pressure was a tad bit high, but not really high and my OB wasn't overly concerned. We talked about an amnio in the event that I will have to have one at 37 weeks. I was feeling nervous about it, but she put my mind at ease. I joked with her and told her she is not aloud to be on vacation during the first few weeks of June because she is delivering this baby! I want to come full circle with her and she agreed, she wants to deliver our baby too! :)
She said I can come in again in two weeks when I have my ultrasound. That way she can check my BP and see how I am doing. I just have to say it again, I LOVE my OB!! She is awesome!

Today I was talking to my friend Trinity on Facebook and I was telling her how I was anxious about the nurse not being able to find the baby's heartbeat and how I should just go ahead and buy a doppler. She told me that she has one and she'll send it to me!! I am so grateful to her! That takes away a lot of my fears. Now I just have to hope that I will be able to find baby's heartbeat on my own!!

Tonight for dinner I made this, http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/rachael-ray/30-minute-shepherds-pie-recipe2/index.html
Oh my goodness, it was so yummy and Dave loved it too!!

I will leave you now with my new baby bump picture, 16 weeks 1 day!

16 weeks

2010-01-07T19:57:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow I will be 16 weeks, approx. 21 weeks left to go!! I have a regular OB appointment tomorrow as well as Jury Duty! Fun stuff! I love seeing my OB.

Today

2010-01-06T20:00:00.002-05:00

Today I felt the baby give me the tiniest little nudge while I was sitting at lunch! What a nice feeling that was!! Made me feel a little better since I have been so anxious lately. I felt Moira at 14 weeks and I really haven't felt this baby much. I know every baby is different, but when you are a loss mom, every little thing makes you anxious!
At the end of the day, the dull headache I had all day got worse. It was awful! I thought I would pass out. After running to the store for some more Tylenol and paying our mortgage, I came home and went to bed. I put a cold cloth over my head and fell asleep. It feels much better now!!
I had the nurse at school check my BP this morning and it was 117/62! Whoo hoo!
Also today was a little weird. We went to our neighbor's house to pick up the rest of our baby stuff. They had been storing it at their house since I was in the hospital with Moira. Them and two other friends had gone to our house while we were in the hospital and cleaned up all of the baby stuff, the pack and play, swing, bouncy seat, car seat, etc. All of that stuff was out in our house. Not all of it was set up yet, but it was there. Now we have it back. I thought I would be sad, but it felt good to have it all at home. SO, for now it's stored in the nursery. It's so hard to call it the nursery, I pause a lot and call it Moira's room. I mean, it is Moira's room, but it will also be this little baby's room too. So, now I just try to call it the nursery. It's hard. Don't get me wrong, I actually can't wait to have this baby in the nursery. It's beautiful!! I am dying to use it!! I WANT to use it!!
Check out this post, it has a few pictures of it!

What is a Rainbow Baby?

2010-01-02T11:08:00.003-05:00

People have asked me this question before and I searched and searched all over to find the best meaning I could for a "Rainbow Baby."
This is what I found.....

"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

I think that's a pretty good definition of what a rainbow baby means.

Check out the new digs!

2010-01-02T08:18:00.002-05:00

Thank you so much to my online friend Mandy for designing my new blog! It looks great!! :) Starting a new year with a new blog and new hope!!!

Happy 2010!!!

2010-01-01T14:11:00.003-05:00

I feel hopeful today. Hopeful for a better year and that things will start to turn around for us. Today I celebrate my 34th birthday, feeling a little old!! I also am celebrating the new year, as well as my 15th week of pregnancy!! 15 weeks!! Approximately 22 more weeks to go, that is if this baby comes at 37 weeks. If not, it's 23 more weeks. Not too shabby!! 22 weeks sounds a lot shorter than 5 months for some reason.
Today I am doing a whole lot of nothing!! I took a shower and I am sitting in my sweats. That's what I want to do for my birthday. Dave will make me a nice dinner with some good meat we bought at the butcher the other day. We will relax, maybe play some Wii bowling or something, and possibly watch a movie.
That's my day!!

I am also excited because an online friend that I have met is helping me to redesign this blog for the new year and the new baby! So, look for that in the coming week!!

Happy New Year everyone and may your 2010 bring you lots of joy!!

See ya later 2009 and don't come back!!!

2009-12-31T10:45:00.002-05:00

I am so glad that we are in the last few hours of 2009. It started out as a wonderful year. We were expecting our first baby and we were so excited. Then that fateful day came, May 8, 2009. It sucked. We found out our baby was born with severe brain damage and she wouldn't live.
As we are about to embark on a new year, I am feeling hopeful. Still a little sad, but hopeful. Since Moira's passing, I have battled with post-partum depression, I mean who wouldn't after the hell I went through? I have met some amazing women who have helped my heart to heal some. I got my blood pressure under control and my PPD as well. I have grown closer to my wonderful husband and we have really been there for each other. I have grown closer to some friends and also haven't spoken to friends since Moira's death. I have gotten used to a new me. It's not a better me, but a new me. The me after my baby died. I have gotten over the fear of my new niece and embraced her with open arms. She has become a big part of my healing as well. She is the most amazing little girl. She probably will never really know how much she helped her auntie and uncle. Then in October we found our rainbow. We were pregnant again. The emotions were running wild. Our world was going to be changed again. More appointments, more worries, more excitement. Everything is going well though! Sometimes I feel guilty because all I had of Moira was my pregnancy with her and now I am sharing those only moments with another child. A child who will hopefully heal our heart just a little more. How can I be so happy, but also feel so guilty?
2010, I feel like it's going to be a good year. I mean, it has to be a good year after the hell we have been through, right??? Why would the universe do that to us again?
Welcome 2010 and please, please bring us the hope and healing that we need!

Christmas.....Bah Humbug?

2009-12-10T16:38:00.003-05:00

So, there is this commercial on TV that I just HATE right now. It's a commercial for a local jewelery store. It's this woman rocking her baby girl in front of the Christmas tree and her husband comes downstairs. She says it's 2am and the baby just fell asleep. The dad says something along the lines of "It's 2am on our first Christmas together as a family." ***CRIES*** It makes me want to scream! That's supposed to be Dave and I and Moira and it's not us. It will NOT be us this year. I want to throw something at the TV whenever that commercial comes on. I mean, we do have a lot to be happy about this Christmas and a lot to be sad about as well. We are expecting a new baby, but we are also mourning the loss of our daughter who should be here with us. I am having a really hard time getting into the Christmas spirit this year.
Anyway, there we have it. Moira is never far from my thoughts. I think of her everyday. I think of holding her, smelling her, and just feeling her in my arms, wishing I could hold her again, but this time never let go. This new baby is a blessing for us, a way for us to heal and to maybe fill a little bit of the hole left behind after Moira died, but this baby won't be replacement for Moira. Nothing or noone will ever replace our first born daughter. We are looking to the future now and trying to think about this baby and take everything one day at a time, but also never forgetting our sweet angel.

Special Announcement!

2009-11-28T07:26:00.005-05:00

Well, my husband Dave and I are so happy to announce that we are expecting our Rainbow Baby! We are both so excited and still can't believe it! I will be 10 weeks on Monday and I am due June 28, 2010. I will be watched very closely, including weekly ultrasounds starting at 28 weeks and then starting at 32 weeks I'll start going in twice a week. We are hoping for a c-section at 37 weeks, but still have to talk to the high risk OB about that. We already know that I will NOT go past 38 weeks.
I am scared, nervous, excited, happy all rolled into one. My blood pressure has been great, so I am not too worried about that! I had my first OB appointment on Wednesday and everything was great! We were there for an hour and a half with the nurse and then with my OB. The nurse is my favorite nurse practitioner and she even gave us a peek at the little peanut! Since it was too early to hear the heartbeat on the doppler, she rolled in their portable ultrasound machine. It was so great!!
So, here I am pregnant after a full-term loss and scared out of my mind, as well as so incredibly excited.

Below is my ultrasound from
7 weeks 2 days!

Friday 5

2009-11-13T19:48:00.003-05:00

Thanks to my friend Debbie, she said that I should do a Friday 5. Five reasons to be happy. Being happy has been so hard these past 6 months. True happiness for me, would be for Moira to be here. I know that can't happen, so I have to come up with 5 things that make me happy.
I think I can do that!

1. My amazing husband!

2. Beautiful rainbows.

3. My wonderful friends.

4. Amazing loss mamas out there who have helped me through my darkest days. Everyone has been wonderful. I love talking with Debbie, she just knows the right things to say and I can look at her and know, she knows what I am going through! Thank you all, you know who you are, for being there for me!

5. My daughter. It makes me sad to think of her, but I am also so happy to have known her and to have carried her for 40 weeks, and bonded with her, loved her, cared for her, and met her if even for a short time.

So, beyond all of the sadness in my life, I know that I have many, many reasons to be happy. My family has been wonderful as well, so I guess I can add in a 6th one,

6. My family:)

Thank you!

2009-11-13T19:45:00.004-05:00

I want to say Thank You to Holly for taking this beautiful picture for me!

I LOVE this picture!!!

6 months

2009-11-08T08:41:00.001-05:00

6 months ago today my Moira was born and my life changed forever. I miss her everyday and this pain sucks! I have been feeling a little more like myself these days, I feel like I can function a little more. Things are getting done around the house, slowly, but they are. There was a point a few months ago, that I felt like I couldn't function. I could make it through the work day, but when I got home, I would just go to my dark place. A place where I didn't have to think about daily things.
Now, Dave and I are stronger than we have ever been. I have met some amazing woman who have supported me through such a dark time in my life. I also have amazing and wonderful friends who have been there for me as well. My life will never be the same again, I will always have a hole in my heart that should be filled by Moira, but I know she is in a place where she isn't in pain anymore, and she is safe.
Hopefully we'll have a rainbow baby soon to fill that hole in our hearts just a little bit. No baby will ever replace Moira, but will help us to feel a little more whole.

Your daddy and I love you Moira with all of our hearts. We love you and miss you everyday that you aren't here with us and we will always, always, love you.

Thoughts and prayers for a friend

2009-10-31T06:42:00.002-04:00

Please keep my friend and fellow loss mama, Jayme, in your thoughts and prayers. She has lost 3 babies and recently had her rainbow babies, twin boys. One of them is suffering from retinoblastoma, cancer in both eyes.
I have been thinking of their family non-stop and I am so worried and sad for them.
Thanks my blog friends!

Please remember.....

2009-10-15T18:21:00.003-04:00

Tonight at 7pm I will light my angel candle for my sweet angel Moira Mae. I will remember her and all of the babies who were taken from their families too soon, Sophie, Julia, Jules, Katelynn, Catti, Abigale, Evan, Olive Lucy, Elora Jade, Connor, Raime, Amanda Joy and many more. There are just too many babies.
Please join me in this "wave of light" at 7pm in any time zone. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. www.october15th.com

Well hello there!!

2009-10-02T14:59:00.003-04:00

Sorry I haven't been around much. My life seems to be crazy and yet when I get home I haven't had much to do. Work is crazy and I love it. I can say I truly love my job. I love the people I work with and the kids I have. I am happy to get up every morning and go to work. I don't think I have felt that, ever! I have always liked my previous jobs, but there was always something about each one that made it hard to get up and go. Usually it had something to do with the commute. My commute now is the shortest it has ever been, 15 minutes!

Anyway, I have been dealing with a lot of feelings. Grief, being overwhelmed, anxiety, etc. I am so lucky to have so many wonderful, supportive people in my life. My friend Karen, who I used to nanny for, has been my saving grace! She is wonderful!! She was amazing and so helpful to us while we were in the hospital and she has also just been a supportive friend. I always feel so much better after talking with her. She's sort of like a big sister I guess. I think that's the best way to describe her. I know that I will always have a home at their house.
We also have some wonderful close friends who we hang out with a lot and they too have been so supportive to us.
It's also amazing to me that there are so many people rooting for us and hoping we get pregnant soon and have a baby to keep forever.
That being said, I have been struggling. Struggling to find my place in this world. I have a wonderful husband, a great job, and amazing friends. What more can I ask for? I am sure all of you loss mamas out there know what my answer to that question is, a baby. That's all I ask for. Would I prefer to have Moira? Hell yes! (sorry for the language) Yes, I would much rather have my Moira here with us, but she isn't. She is in heaven, safe and playing with her new friends. She isn't in pain anymore and I know deep down in my heart that she is in a better place.
Even though I know that, I still struggle some days with the "what if's." I know I can't do that because it isn't healthy for me, but there are just some days that I am overwhelmed by this hole in my heart. So with all of this, I finally went to my doctor and asked for some help. I haven't told many people about this, but I guess you could say that I have been suffering from post-postpartum depression in the last month or so. Who wouldn't, right? After everything I have been through, I am not surprised. I think once the summer was winding down and things were getting back to normal, is when everything really started to set in and my grief and anxiety was so much more overwhelming. My doctor decided to start me on a low dose of meds. to help me out some. I have been on them for a little over 2 weeks and I have to say I am feeling better. I am still sad, but I feel more like myself. I know I will never be completely the same Alison I was before Moira, but I feel like I can function a little better. Dave has noticed a difference as well and we aren't as snappy with each other as we were a few weeks ago.
Anyway, some of you may be wondering, why am I sharing this on a public blog for everyone to see??? :o) I want to share my story so that other loss mamas know they are not alone and that it's OK to be feeling this way. My doctor told me I was taking all of the right steps. I was at first in denial, but then when I started to recognize what was going on and Dave was talking to me about everything, I knew I needed to do something. I also want anyone else out there who isn't a loss mama to know. Know what it is we really go through. I would never wish this on anyone, but I want people to know how I feel. I also want everyone to know it's OK to talk to me about Moira and about what happened and what I am going through. I NEED to talk about all of that. If I keep this all bottled up inside of me, I think I would go crazy!!!
Anyway, that's kind of what has been going on with me the last few weeks and why I haven't been around much. I have a few little projects I am working on and also enjoying spending time with Dave. We have been playing our new Wii Resort game a lot lately and having tons of fun together!

October 15th

2009-09-28T18:48:00.004-04:00

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Please light a candle 7pm no matter which time zone you are in. Remember Moira and all of the other baby angels in heaven that day.

2009-09-26T22:01:00.001-04:00

Our 6 year old nephew Nathan is here today. I was showing him a scrapbook that someone made for me of Moira. He looked at the pictures with me and then said to me "I wish I could have seen Moira in person instead of just in pictures." I do too Nathan, I do too.
Sigh.....he likes to talk about her, ask us questions, and go in her room. I told him that I have a few good friends whose little babies died and went to heaven because they were sick too. I told him they were all playing with Moira and keeping each other safe in heaven. I asked him if he liked that, and he said "yes." He is such a sweetie. I told him that he can talk or ask about Moira anytime he wants because I don't want him to ever forget about her and he told me that he doesn't want to forget her!

My baby "got sick and passed away......."

2009-09-11T20:21:00.004-04:00

Hello everyone!!
Sorry I haven't updated in awhile. I am just so tired when I get home from work and the last thing I feel like doing is blogging. :( I loved doing it all summer, but now just my comfy clothes and my bed call out to me.
My days are filled with classes and running around the school with different errands and such to do. Copies to make, folders to organize, and kids to help out! This week I had a 7th grader ask me if I had any kids, well of course I had to tell her. I have a picture of Moira sitting on my desk and this girl will be in my classroom 4 days a week. So, I told the student that I had a little baby who got sick and passed away. Sigh.....she was so sweet. Then today I had an 8th grader who knew me last year from another class, but she didn't know what happened to Moira. Most of the 7th graders last year who I would of had encounters with in certain classrooms were told. This one wasn't told. She wasn't in a class that I would have subbed in or helped out in. She was in a study hall with the woman I shared a classroom with last year. So, she asked me if I had a boy or a girl. I told her that actually my baby got sick and passed away. So, that is my token answer for any of the kids. That is what they told the kids last year, that Moira "got sick and passed away."
I hate to say that, I hate that I had a baby who got sick and died! A baby I longed for and wanted for so long. A baby I planned for and loved from the minute we knew we were pregnant with. All I have left of her is her ashes sitting on a shelf and her hair in my locket. My baby got sick and passed away. It's just not fair! I WANT MY BABY HERE WITH ME!!! Why don't I get to have my baby here??? Sigh......
Anyway, that's been my week. I promise to try and update a little more, but nothing super exciting is going on with me.
I am excited that next weekend I get to meet some loss mamas for the first time IRL, all who have had their rainbow babies as well. They have been a wonderful support for me from the beginning. Debbie, Jen, and Maria, I can't wait to see you ladies and have a nice weekend!

Busy, busy, busy!

2009-09-02T19:04:00.002-04:00

Now that I am back to work, I don't have much time for my daily blogging, reading blogs, Facebook, etc. I think my husband is happy with that!! ;o) The week has been crazy and we have only had the kids two days this week and we have Friday off. Monday was professional development, so it wasn't bad. The student's schedules are all screwy, so it's made the start of the school year even more hectic than usual. It's OK, I smile and go where I am told. I have had more free time at work then I would normally have, but I have been filling my days. I came home Tuesday after having just a crazy, busy day, not stressful, just lots of running around. My blood pressure was 150/100 and that was with my medication that morning. So, I decided I should probably take it 3 times a day instead of two and my doctor had said I could do this if it was continuing to be sort of borderline or high. So, today I took it again around lunch time and then took my blood pressure at the end of the day before going home and it was 130/82, much better. So, I think at least for now I will take the meds. 3 times a day and see how that goes.

I was so anxious and nervous all last week about returning to work. My post-loss job, where I was pregnant the whole school year. How were people going to react to me, what would they say, what would I say, how would I feel sitting at my desk again?? I had a few panic attacks last week and was very, very nervous the first day. After going to the district wide opening day meeting, I headed over to the jr. high and we had our school meeting. Everyone was coming up to me, hugging me, welcoming me back, saying how happy they were to have me back, and also say how sorry they were. It felt so good and I felt so loved!

Anyway, I also have to just put in here that I hope you all will say some prayers for this family.
I have no words for the loss they are experiencing right now. Mirne, if you read this I am so, so, sorry for this horrible loss you are experiencing right now. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

I hope to try and update a little more often, but I have been so exhausted after work this week! Hope everyone is enjoying the start of fall. Hard to believe summer is over.

The Secret Garden August Meeting

2009-08-30T11:06:00.006-04:00

If you created a bedroom for your baby tell us what it was like.
Moira's room is beautiful! Lots of friends helped us get her room together. It needed a lot of work since it was originally our junk room piled with boxes. We live in an old house, 1850. The walls were in rough shape, electrical work needed to be done, and the previous owners had painted the wood floor. The trim work was an ugly pinky purple color.
Our friend Cam put up a chair rail and helped Dave fix the walls. Our neighbors helped pick out the colors and helped to prime and paint the walls. We did a creamy colored trim with a pale green on the top wall and a pale purple on the bottom wall. I agonized for months, constantly changing my mind about what I wanted for the nursery theme. I didn't want everything matchy matchy like all of the typical nursery decor. I wanted her nursery to be different, stimulating, and beautiful. I finally decided on bedding from IKEA. Her room is so much fun and so pretty. My parents bought us the crib and Dave's parents bought us the dresser/changing table. We had an old bookshelf that Dave stained and we got a rocking chair from a family that I used to babysit for. Our neighbor and Dave worked on the closet. It is beautiful!

Did you have it ready for them before they were born?
Everything was ready for Moira. There were a few finishing touches that weren't done, but the crib was ready. Her clothes were washed and hanging up and stored away in the dresser. Her cloth diapers were washed, prepped, and put away. Books on the shelves, her nightlight was ready. Stuffed animals lined a shelf and a were put in a basket. The crib was made with freshly washed linens. The room is the cleanest and most organized room in our entire house!

If so how did you cope coming home to it without your baby?
Friends of ours came to our house while we were still in the hospital and packed away EVERYTHING baby related and stored it at our neighbor's house. The car seat was taken out of our car and put away. Her room was left as is. When we came home it was so hard, but we came home to an empty house. The pack and play that had been set up a few days before in our downstairs was now gone. The swing and bouncy seat, still in their boxes waiting to be put together by Dave and my dad, were gone. The diapers and changing stuff I had ready for us to use downstairs, were now put away. Books, ultrasound pictures, notes, etc. all gone. It was surreal and strange, but I was glad to come home to all of that put away and we didn't have to do it. It took me about a month before I could go into her room and when I finally did, I went in with Dave and he held me and I sobbed for what was lost. Now, I go in there and I look around at her things, look at her cloth diapers, her clothes, and the crib and I smile. I smile because I remember all of the love that went into making that room. Our love and our friend's love. We had so much help putting that room together, it makes me happy to see it still there. I don't want to take it down.

Did you pack it all away?
As I said, just the things that were throughout the house. Currently her room is as it was the day we finished it.

What is your baby's room now?
Still a baby's room and it will remain that way for our next baby.

If you are trying to conceive again, or are pregnant again how do you feel about setting up another room before your baby is born?
We are trying to conceive again and we plan to use Moira's room. I feel so happy now when I go into her room. I will keep her room as is for now. When we get pregnant, if we are having a boy, only a few things need to be changed and of course we will eventually buy some boy clothes. If we have a girl, we will use Moira's clothes depending on the season the baby is born. I feel like it will be a wonderful way for us to keep Moira's memory alive, by using all of her things for her little brother or sister.

This is a picture of Moira's changing table/dresser and the bookshelf in her room

This is a picture of the crib

This is the crib and a look at the curtains in the room.

Meeting today

2009-08-25T19:49:00.003-04:00

I just wanted to let you all know that my meeting with my boss went really well today. She is so supportive and such a wonderful person. She really helped to ease my anxieties. I am so grateful for that. I know now that going back to work on Monday will be hard, but it will be good for me and I will have so many people there rooting for me and cheering me on. When we finally get pregnant again, both Dave and I will have both schools behind us 100%!! He works across the street from me at the high school.
Anyway, thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers!!

Mixed emotions

2009-08-24T16:59:00.002-04:00

So, I have mixed emotions about starting work again next week. I haven't actually worked since my last day of work on April 17th. The following week was our April vacation and so I decided not to go back to work after vacation because it would only be 2 weeks before Moira's due date.
Last year when I was getting ready to start work, it was a new job, a new school year, and I was pregnant with Moira. I had so many hopes and dreams and was so excited and happy. Little did I know what the end of the school year would bring. This year I will be starting that same job with new students, same co-workers, no baby, and I am not pregnant yet. I have no baby to show for my school year long pregnancy and my maternity leave. I am feeling so overwhelmed and anxious!
Luckily I have an amazing boss, she is the special education department head and the supervisor of us instructional aides. Anyway, I e-mailed her today and asked if I could come in for a visit if she was going to be in this week. I explained to her that I am feeling overwhelmed and anxious about the start of the school year and I would love to just chat with her and hopefully help ease some of my anxiety. She, of course, said yes! I am going in tomorrow morning for a little while to visit her and will hopefully feel a little better about the start of the school year on Monday. Actually the students don't report until Tuesday and we have Friday off for a long Labor Day weekend. So, it will be a 3 day week with the students and a 4 day work week for the teachers, etc. I'm feeling a little better now!

Sailing

2009-08-23T11:18:00.006-04:00

On Tuesday we started our trip by sailing from Boston to Marblehead, that's where this picture was taken. I had never been to Marblehead before. It was a quaint little New England sea town. Great scenery, cute little houses, and just a nice town. I took some great pictures while we were there! Wednesday we got up and got underway to Provincetown, the tip of Cape Cod. I only remember going there once when I was a kid with my family and I can sort of remember the beach, but that's it. P-town, if you don't know, is a cute, fun, hip town where there is such a mixture of different and interesting people. It was fun. We went to a bar Wednesday night for a drink and we had a drag queen for a karaoke DJ who was hilarious! Thursday morning we got up, ate breakfast in P-town, walked around a little bit more, then went back to the boat. We did our usual shower routine, which was jump in the water, soap up, and then jump back into the water. The P-town harbor water was like bath water, it was so nice. We took salt water baths all week. Then after that we set sail to Scituate, MA, which is Dave and our friend Peter's hometown. It was Peter's boat we were on. We got into Scituate, ate dinner, had a few drinks with Peter's sister, and met up with another one of Peter's friends, Robyn who was joining us in Scituate for the sail back to Boston on Friday. There were four of us that were on the whole trip, Dave and I and then Peter and his friend Rachel who was a lot of fun and then she just joined us for the last leg. Friday we got up, had breakfast at Dunkin Donuts in Scituate, got a few things at the store, and then headed out to Boston. It was really a lot of fun and I am glad we did it. because who knows if we'll be able to do it next year. I will post some pictures later. Also, I have some pictures on Facebook, which I think most of you have seen, but I'll try to post a few of my favorites here.

My dream, again

2009-08-23T11:15:00.001-04:00

Two things about my previous dream my therapist said I should take the energy from my dream and go with it. In other words, she said I should journal to the twins. Write them notes, talk to them, etc. She said she believes in dreams coming true and that if you take the energy from such a great dream that it's possible it will come true. I've been thinking about that and thinking about writing to "my twins." We'll see!!

Also, I talked to my mom about it last night. I told her about the dream and how vivid it was and how I rarely remember my dreams. She asked if I could be pregnant and I said no because I had just finished my period. She called it a baby dream. She had told me before about how she had vivid dreams while pregnant with me and my brother. She knew I was a girl and Tom was a boy, she knew what we looked like, everything. Since then she has had other baby dreams about people close to her, her sister, friends, etc. She never had a baby dream when I was pregnant with Moira and I never had a baby dream while pregnant with her either. I had one early on of me buying baby boy clothes, but no baby in the dream. That was before we knew she was a girl. Then later on I had a dream of me nursing her, but it wasn't very vivid and I barely remember it. So, I am wondering if that means something? I don't want to read into it because I think that will make me sad and I don't want to be sad. So, instead I think I am going to take the energy from the baby dream I had of me having twins and go with it like my therapist said. If I don't have twins, I won't be totally upset because then that means I can get pregnant again. I loved being pregnant and can't wait to get pregnant again. If I do have twins, then I would be OK with that too. It would be my last pregnancy though unless somewhere down the road I could convince Dave to go at it again and see. We always settled on the fact that we would have 2 kids and if we get them in one shot then great. We'll see.....

Love

2009-08-22T20:48:00.003-04:00

Just wanted to share this picture of Dave and I from our sailing trip this week. I love it!! I think I am going to blow it up and frame it. We had an amazing time. It was so fun and relaxing. I haven't been this tan in a long time! My freckles popped out like crazy! So much so that Dave couldn't figure out what the spots on my nose were. When I looked in the mirror, I said "you silly, those are my freckles!!" Anyway, I will update more about our trip later. I am so tired right now and heading to bed soon.

Yes, I have a daughter.

2009-08-17T17:55:00.000-04:00

So today I had to go back to the dentist to get fitted for a night guard. I am finally taking the plunge and getting one. This dentist office I go to is much more affordable than previous dentist offices. My teeth are so worn down from me clenching them for so many years. Anyway, I went in this afternoon and the hygienist was really sweet, asking me if we had been on any vacations yet this summer. I said we had just gotten back from Cape Cod. She then proceeded to ask me if I had any kids and I, without thinking, said "no." She was like, "Oh, so just you and your husband, that must be nice." Inside I am screaming at myself. YES, I DO HAVE A CHILD. I have a beautiful daughter that isn't with me anymore. She's an angel up in heaven. I am sitting there in the chair, yelling at myself in my head. Finally, I looked at the hygienist and said "Actually, I do have a baby who I lost a few months ago. She was full term and she had brain damage when she was born." She was so sad for me, said I am sorry and I said "Thank you." She asked me how long ago and then later she said she was sorry for upsetting me. I told her she didn't, I just didn't know what to say when she asked. She was sweet and then asked me, "How are you doing?" So now I have been totally off all day. So mad at myself for not remembering my daughter and saying right away that, "No, I don't have kids." It was just easier to say than to say that I do and then to get that look. I know you all know that look I am talking about. I have played that scenario over and over in my head so many times. What I would say if someone asked me if I had any kids. I would always say in my head, "Yes, I have a daughter who passed away soon after birth due to brain damage." It's always playing in my head when we go somewhere that no one knows us or knows what we have been through. When I was there today, it took me by surprise. I didn't think anyone would ask me.

Sigh......Oh my dear Moira Mae, I love you more than anything in the world and I am so sorry for my stupid mistake today. Everyday you are in my thoughts and everyday I miss you and love you.

High Risk OB

2009-08-16T20:27:00.004-04:00

OK, I know you have been waiting for this update about our appointment with the high risk OB. Sorry I didn't update sooner, but the internet connection wasn't great where we were staying on the Cape and I would get annoyed.
Overall it was a good appointment. She didn't really tell us anything we didn't already know, but it was good to meet with her and get her take on the whole thing. She said that the blood pressure meds. I am on are good for pregnancy, which I already knew. She also told us that I can take it up to 4 times a day during pregnancy and currently I am taking it two times a day. She looked at my BP numbers that I had been keeping a record of for the last 2 months. She said I was borderline high before the meds, but that it was good that I am getting it under control now. We talked about my feelings about the last two weeks of my pregnancy. I told her how in my gut, I feel like that is when things were going wrong when I look back on it now. That is when my BP increased even more, I was swollen, etc. She made me feel like my feelings were justified and she listened to everything I had to say. At this point she said that I could stay with my current OB and because they are in the same practice and talk on a regular basis, I can see both of them. I can do some appointments with my OB and then intersperse appointments with her in there as well. That was what we wanted to hear. Dave said he started to have a little panic attack while we were in there when he thought that she might say we couldn't see my OB again, that we would have to move over to just her. We both feel a connection with my OB and we want to keep her for my next pregnancy, so we were both very relieved when we found out I could keep her. I was having a bit of an anxiety attack myself sitting in the waiting room, etc.
Also, the doctor said that when I do get pregnant they will start monitoring me the way I was monitored for Moira earlier, around 28-30 weeks. She also pretty much told me that whatever I want, I can get in so many words. If I am feeling anxious and I want an ultrasound, they can do an ultrasound, I can come in and listen to the heartbeat, whatever. I had asked her if I would get an early ultrasound if we got pregnant on our own. I got an early ultrasound with the RE's office and then got one at 12 weeks with the OB's office. That is when she told me that I could get one whenever I want!! It probably wouldn't be whenever I want, but I am sure they will probably bend over backwards to make me feel at ease during my next pregnancy.
So all in all it was a good appointment. Like I said, it was stuff we already knew, but it was good to meet and know that everyone is on the same page.

Dreaming

2009-08-15T15:28:00.001-04:00

I had a dream last night that we had twins, one boy and one girl. They came early and they were small, but they were very healthy and doing OK. I am not sure how I had them because I didn't have a c-section and I didn't go through labor, they just came out. That was the weird part of the dream. It was very vivid though and their names were Alexa Marie (my middle name is Marie) and Bradley David (Dave's name, obviously). It's funny that it was so vivid and as soon as I woke up I remembered their names and I liked their names. They were names we never really thought of using. I had contemplated using my middle name before we settled on Moira and we had talked about using Dave's name for a middle name if we had a boy, but that was it.

Hmmm.......I wonder if that means something? I am now the 3rd person to dream that we had twins. Dave did long before we were pregnant with Moira, and his sister did a few months ago. Interesting. Maybe that is what is meant to be.

Heaven

2009-08-12T19:28:00.001-04:00

I'm leaving you with my little slice of heaven! Sigh.....I love it here!

Anniversary

2009-08-12T19:21:00.003-04:00

9 years ago today I married my best friend, my lover, my husband. I can't believe it's been 9 years. We have had our ups and downs and at one point we almost didn't make it, but we are stronger now than we have ever been. We have our moments like in any marriage, but at the end of the day, we come home to each other and we sleep in the same bed, and love each other more than ever! Sometimes I feel frustrated that we have no living children to show for our 9 years of marriage. I know we have Moira, but I wish she was here with us and we had her to show for everything that we have been through in our 9 years together. Sigh.....I know our day will come and we will have more children, but right now it's a little bittersweet.

***I promise I will update later about our high risk OB appointment on Monday. The internet connection here at the Cape is crappy and I don't want to stay on too long because I am getting annoyed! ***

Cape Cod

2009-08-08T23:12:00.002-04:00

Heading to the Cape tomorrow. I will update as soon as I can about my appointment on Monday with the high risk OB. If anything, I will update on Facebook. Hope you all had a wonderful weekend!

Pure bliss.......

2009-08-07T22:41:00.003-04:00

This was my day today on Boston Harbor. I had an amazing time sailing with my wonderful husband, our good friends and neighbors, and my husband's best friend Peter, who took us out. It was so much fun, relaxing, and just beautiful. We go to the Cape next week and then the week after that we are going on a sailing overnight trip with Peter for 3 nights and 4 days. I am beyond excited, especially after today!

Thanks Amy!

2009-08-05T12:07:00.003-04:00

Thanks Amy for checking in with me. :) This week has started out busy! Last night I had an Arbonne party for my good friend Erin who is trying to get this started as her full time job. It was a lot of fun! There were 10 of us here and it was a nice pampering spa party. I was busy part of Monday and Tuesday cleaning and getting food ready. It gave me something to do and keep me busy during my day. Today I am doing absolutely NOTHING!! I am really in the mood to just be a bum. No reason, just tired and wanting to do that. Tomorrow I have a massage in the morning given to my by my yoga teacher as her way of showing her support after losing Moira. She also gave me a free 6 week session of yoga as well!
On Friday we are going with our neighbors into Boston to go sailing with my husband's best friend Peter. Peter belongs to a yacht club and can take out different kinds of boats. We are all so excited to go. Sunday we leave for Cape Cod for a week and I can't wait!!! I want to get to the beach!! We haven't been all summer and I really have no color at all!! I wish I had a pool to sit out by and get some color. It's been too hot out to just sit on my porch.

On Monday the 10th, we have to leave our little piece of heaven for a little while to go meet with the high risk OB in preparation for our next pregnancy. We have an apt. at 8:30am and it's about an hour and a half from where we are staying for the week. It was the first apt. we could get where both Dave and I could make it. I don't know how much Dave needs to be there, but it doesn't matter I want him there!! :) Since we are having to do it during our vacation too, I want him to come, for the support and so I don't have to repeat everything to him. Plus, he is always better at remembering information when we have important appointments like that.

Anyway, that's about it. Hope you all are doing well out there in blog land!

Say it flowers

2009-08-05T09:36:00.005-04:00

I just wanted to say a big thank you to the people over at Say it with flowers for putting my beautiful Moira Mae's name on a flower. It's gorgeous and I love it!
Thanks!

2009-08-01T20:17:00.003-04:00

I was tagged by Amy over at Family Journeys With Twins. I have to come up with 7 things I am thankful for and then pass this on to 7 blogger friends.

1. I am thankful for Dave. He is an amazing and wonderful husband who loves me for me. He makes me laugh and I love spending time with him. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me!

2. I am thankful for Moira. She was our much longed for baby who brought us closer than ever when she was conceived and then in her death she has brought Dave and I even closer than we have ever been. She is the next best thing that has ever happened to me and she is my greatest accomplishment.

3. I am thankful for my family. My family has been so amazing through our journey after Moira. They have been so supportive and loving.

4. I am thankful for my friends. My many online friends who have been supportive and wonderful. Also for my IRL friends. We have some friendships that have grown stronger since Moira's death and that has been wonderful!

5. I am thankful for my cats. They love me unconditionally and they keep me company during my days and cuddle us at night.

6. I am thankful for mine and Dave's jobs. In this economy where people are losing jobs left and right as well as having a hard time finding jobs, we both have secure jobs in a wonderful school system.

7. I am thankful for our house. We love our house and I am so happy we can afford to keep making the house payments and enjoy our beautiful house!

OK, 7 blogs. Hmmm...

1. A Daisy and A Butterfly
2. French Fries, Gravy, & Motherhood
3. Cat's Litterbox
4. Our Kali Alexa
5. Nolan's Story
6. Mental Cobwebs
7. Michigan Yeagers

So, what are you thankful for???

Possibly a purpose???

2009-08-01T15:17:00.004-04:00

Maybe you all remember this post where I talked about having a purpose in life after the loss of my first born daughter. I have been searching for my purpose, wondering what it is now that I don't have my daughter here with me. After chatting this morning with a new online friend, hope you don't mind me mentioning you Debbie, I think I may have an idea of what my purpose is now.
While pregnant with Moira, I had pregnancy induced hypertension, PIH, and that is possibly what caused Moira's brain damage and eventual death. Moira was as close to stillbirth as you can possibly get. My friend Debbie had PIH as well and her daughter Sophie was stillborn as well. Debbie had a friend who just had a baby who was stillborn and also had PIH. Is there a link to this?? I have no idea, I don't have a medical background, but what I do have is a drive to make people aware of this. I want to make woman aware of this, if you have high blood pressure while pregnant, be aware of ALL of the things that can happen to your unborn baby. Speak up, talk to your OB, you need to be your own advocate. Luckily I have an amazing OB who was keeping an eye one me, but what happened to Moira, noone would have been able to know about it.
So Debbie and I chatted some more and the two of us want to do our research, figure out a way to make woman aware of this and what can happen and to feel empowered to be their own advocate. We have no idea where to begin or where to go, but we are going to figure out something!! :) In October Debbie and I are going to try to meet up when I go with Dave to conference not far from her hometown. That will be so much fun to meet her after all of this time we have been chatting! She has been a wonderful support to me during this awful journey I am on. Sigh....Anyway, thanks Debbie for our chat this morning.

The Secret Garden Meeting

2009-08-01T09:33:00.005-04:00

The Secret Garden Meeting is a place for parents who have lost their babies to come together and remember their babies.
Here is a quote from the site that explains it better than I can!

"Women from all over the world would meet under the tree at the secret place, The Secret Garden to watch the sun set on the last Friday of each month. They would all have in common a great loss. A loss of life. They would all talk amongst themselves. They would share their hearts and tears and they would welcome each new mother that would make her journey to the top of the hill where the secret garden would be. As the sun would set over the horizon they would pause in silence to remember their beloved children." Taken from the Secret Garden Meeting site. You can go to the site by clicking the button above.

How do you see or imagine your baby/ies now that you do not have them with you?
Since it's only been a little over 2 months since I lost my Moira Mae, I see her as a baby still. When I think of her, I think of her laughing and cooing with her daddy. Snuggling with him, close to him. I think of her cooing and snuggling with me, nursing, and content to be with her mommy. I imagine us as a family, alone enjoying our time together, taking walks, laying in bed just the three of us, in the morning before the day starts.
Sometimes when I think of her, I think of me still pregnant with her. That's when she was alive, moving around, kicking me. After she was born, she wasn't doing any of those, she lay on a bed in the NICU attached to many machines. So, I like to remember her when she was alive inside of me.

How did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancy?

Although I am not pregnant yet, we are trying again now. We want to get pregnant as soon as we can to help fill some of that hole left in our hearts when Moira left us. As my friend Trinity said to me the other night, "I don't think the hole will ever be filled, but I do think your heart will have an attachment that will act as a detour around the hole."
I have already made plans with my OB about what will happen with our next pregnancy. I have a consult appointment with a high risk OB. I will be watched even more carefully than I was with my pregnancy with Moira. I have already started on blood pressure medication to keep my BP within normal range now and when I am pregnant again. I will not go past 38 weeks either. My gut feeling tells me that whatever happened with Moira, her brain damage, happened in the last two weeks of my pregnancy. So, I refuse to go past that 38 week mark! If we can deliver at 37 weeks, than I will do it. I will also have a c-section. I had an emergency c-section after hours upon hours of labor with Moira. The whole experience was traumatic for both Dave and I. Although a c-section scares me, the thought of labor again scares me even more. I will have a c-section and bring my baby home alive and healthy.

Thanks for listening.

My busy day, it was good!

2009-07-28T16:23:00.004-04:00

Today was a busy day for me. It was nice! I saw my therapist at 9:00am this morning. We talked about my BP and us TTC again. I also told her about Dave's new job and how I will hopefully be able to stay home with our next baby. We got on the topic of vaccines and I was saying how now that I can stay home with a new baby, I can delay other vaccines and do it a little differently than we had originally planned. I was happy about that!!! She was telling me how she didn't vaccinate her kids at all and she treated them totally homeopathically. She saw a homeopathic doctor as well. It was interesting. More things to read about now!

Then I came home after my appointment to relax for a bit and then had to take one of our cats to the vet. He needed his rabies shot and his eye was a little swollen. He had pink eye back in January and it was starting to look like it again. After that, came home and made a quick lunch for Dave and I. He was running home real quick from work to eat and then had to head back up there again for a curriculum meeting. I had a hair cut appointment at 2:45. I haven't had my hair cut since April and it was LONG! I didn't realize how long it was until after she had washed my hair and showed me where 2 inches would be. So, I decided to get 2 1/2 inches cut off and it's now just above my shoulders. She did some fancy layering to it to give it a little more body. I am so simple with my hair because I have a lot of hair, but it's so fine that it's hard to do much with it.
I love the place I get my hair cut at. It's this little salon owned by one woman. She uses all natural and organic hair products and it is so calming and relaxing when I go in there. Downstairs from her is a little store called Tip Top Country Store, http://www.tiptoponline.us/
It is such a great little store, lots of organic and natural products. We don't shop there a lot because it can get expensive, but I stopped in and got a few things that I really like. I like shopping there because it's a local, cool store.

So, overall a nice, fun day for me. :) Tomorrow my friend Angela and I are going to IKEA!! YAY!!! I am going to look for computer desks for our computer room. It's time to reorganize that room!!

Prayers for Stellan

2009-07-27T23:26:00.002-04:00

Just thought I would add this in here too.

Say it with flowers

2009-07-27T08:08:00.003-04:00

Check out this blog all of my loss mamas. It is a friend of the woman who does To Write Their Names in the Sand. It's beautiful!

Good friends

2009-07-24T12:19:00.004-04:00

Feeling a little better today. I haven't showered or dressed yet, but neither has Dave!! He has Fridays off in the summer, so I like just being a bum with him on Fridays if we don't have anything to do. It's so nice!
I've got so much swirling around in my head these days. Trying to think of things I can do with my time. I think this week, if I can swing it, I am going to go to a local fabric store and take a sewing lesson. I have a beautiful sewing machine my mom bought for me a few years ago and I have no idea how to use it! My friend taught me how to use it when I first got it, but then it's been sitting in my closet now for years! I want to learn to sew and maybe learn to make things I can sell on the side for a little extra money. We'll see!!
Tonight we are going to dinner with some good friends of ours and then to the movies. We are going to eat at http://www.famousdaves.com/ and then going to see The Hangover. Should be fun. We love hanging out with these friends of ours. They are laid back, fun, and have been a wonderful support to us through everything!
My blood pressure was a little on the high side yesterday, but when I got up this morning, it was back down. So, not sure what's going on there.
That's about it for now! Thanks for listening!

What's your purpose?

2009-07-23T13:11:00.005-04:00

As a loss mama, do you ever feel like you have no purpose in life after the loss of your child? Maybe you lost your 2nd baby and you have an older child that you need to be there for or maybe you lost your 1st baby and now you have nothing. What do you do? What is your purpose in life now? I am currently in the situation. It's kind of how I have been feeling the past few days. What is my purpose? Moira was my first baby, I was supposed to be off all summer so I could take care of her before going back to work in the fall. Now all I have are my cats. They don't need me the way a baby needs me. They just want some food and to be let inside and outside all day long. My husband doesn't need me the way a baby needs me. So, what do I do now?
I don't have much to look forward to during the day other than the fact that Dave comes home from work around 12:30ish and we can have the rest of the day to do whatever together. I am really slacking on the house cleaning stuff and not really feeling like being much of a housewife either. I am focusing on getting healthy and getting ready for another baby, but that doesn't take much to do. Sigh....so what is my purpose? What should I be doing with my days? I don't know what to do. I am working on it. I guess I am just looking forward to the 2nd week of August when we will go to Cape Cod and be on vacation and Dave will be done with summer school and then he'll have 3 weeks off before school starts.

Question about Blogger

2009-07-22T13:44:00.006-04:00

I am still figuring out blogger. I have used LiveJournal forever, but I like this one too. Anyway, when someone posts a comment to my entry, do they see if I reply to it? People have been posting comments, but I have no idea if I reply, will they see it? On LJ there is a reply feature so then people will know I replied to them. Just curious. Still learning!! :)

blood pressure

2009-07-22T11:23:00.000-04:00

I am psyched that the blood pressure medication already seems to be working. My BP looked pretty close to normal when I took it this morning! I am hoping with some more exercise and this medication, it will get under control before I get pregnant again! When I read about the medication online, it does say that it works in 4-6 hours. Wow! It is also safe to take during pregnancy, which is what I wanted. I am happy to be another step closer!

More hope for a brighter future

2009-07-21T11:44:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was my follow up appointment with my primary care doctor. It was a good appointment. She is great!! I have been going to her for 9 years now, so I feel like I have a good relationship with her. Anyway, my blood pressure was still borderline high so we talked about my options. She mentioned that some people will continue to try exercise, etc. to bring it down as an option first. I told her that I would prefer to go the medication route at this point because we want to try again so soon to get pregnant. I really want to get this BP under control now before we get pregnant again. Even with exercise, there is still the possibility that my BP will be high again during pregnancy since it was preg. induced to begin with. I don't want to mess around with meds. when I do get pregnant, I would like to already be on something. So, she agreed and she started me on a low dose of a medication that I will take 2 times a day. She wants me to continue to monitor my BP with my little cuff and if it continues to be high, she wants me to up the meds. to 3 times a day. Then I will see her again in a month. She wants me to conitnue to exercise as well.
So, we'll see where this brings me, but it gives me more hope towards a healthy pregnancy next time around.

2009-07-20T11:04:00.002-04:00

My dear sweet Moira Mae,
I have been missing you a lot today, like I do everyday, but today I am in some sort of funk. I don't really want to get moving, but I need to do it. Mommy has a check up with her doctor today to see how I am doing with my blood pressure. I really want to get it under control so we can have a baby brother or sister for you. I wonder everyday why this had to happen to us. Why were you taken from daddy and I? What did we do? We love you so much and loved you before you were even conceived. We had so many plans for you this summer, so many things we wanted to do with you. Everyday I get up hoping that I will wake up from this awful nightmare and you are here with us, but I don't wake up from it I continue to be in this nightmare everyday. I wonder what you would look like now, would you be cooing at me, smiling, laughing. Sometimes I dwell on those thoughts, but then I have to stop myself because I know how sad they will make me. Some days getting through the day is so hard, and other days I forget where the day went. Your daddy is amazing and helps me get through the day, everyday. Sometimes he doesn't know that he does, but he does. Your daddy and I think of you everyday. We know you are in a better place where you are and you aren't in pain anymore and that makes us feel at peace, but it's also so hard for us to think of you there. Why aren't you here with us?
I am so bad at these things, but I felt the need to write you a letter today. To tell you how much I love you and miss you today and everyday. I get mad at myself some days because I forgot to think about you, but then I realize you are always present in my thoughts even if I don't always remember what they were. You are always in my heart and in my mind, you always will be no matter how old I am or how many more babies I have, you will always be my first sweet little angel.
I love you Miss Moira Mae. Please bless your daddy and I with another sweet baby to bring home and live with us here on Earth. We need you, but know we can't have you, so now we need a baby sister or brother to fill our empty arms and our empty house.
I love you with all of my heart,
Mommy<3

Under the Tree JUNE Questions

2009-07-14T09:13:00.005-04:00

I'm a little late with these, but I am new to this too. It's been a busy few weeks.

Hair Color: Dark Brown, almost black

Eye color: Blue/Grey/Green depending on what I am wearing!

Profession: Instructional Assistant for 8th graders, mother to an angel, wife to an amazing husband.

Relationship status: Married

My Favorites:

Favorite color: Blue and Green

Favorite movie: The Goonies

Favorite animal: Cats and Turtles

Favorite store: Target, Old Navy

Favorite childhood memory: My brother and I making up our own Morse Code so we could talk to each other when we were supposed to be in bed!

Favorite hobby: yoga, taking pictures with my new camera, reading

Favorite song/singer: Barenaked Ladies, Angel by Sarah McLaughlin

Favorite book/author: To Kill a Mockingbird

Favorite school subject: Drama

Favorite vacation destination: Cape Cod, but I would love to go to Ireland

Favorite food: Macaroni and Cheese, yummy!

Favorite restaurant: Hmmm.....Red Robin maybe?? Howard's in the summer, great seafood place by us.

This or That

Coke or pepsi : Cherry Coke

Beer or wine: Both on occasion

Coffee or tea: Coffee

Apple Juice or O.J.: OJ

Summer or Winter: Summer

Cats or dogs: Cats

Salty or sweet: Both, together!!

Plane or boat: Plane

Morning or night: Night

Money or love: Love

Breakfast or dinner: Hmm....both!! I love to make breakfast and I love my husband's dinners!

Forgiveness or revenge: Forgiveness

House or apartment: My house, I love it!!

Like to cook: with my husband.

Have You Ever:

Got a speeding ticket: No

Wished you were someone else: In certain points of my life, yes.

Cried during a movie: Yes

Describe yourself in one word: Cheerful

Biggest fear: Getting pregnant again and losing that baby too.

Biggest mistake: Hmm....can't think of one right now.

Your proudest accomplishment: My baby Moira and buying our house.

Dream job: Stay at home mommy to a baby on Earth.

Special talents: Playing with kids!! :)

Where would you rather be at the moment: With my baby here at home. Also, on Cape Cod on the beach!

Famous person you want to meet: OH, Will Smith!! I have always wanted to meet him!

Song to be played at your funeral: Angel by Sarah McLaughlin, it was played at my daughter's memorial service. I love that song.

New Hampshire

2009-07-13T15:54:00.003-04:00

Just wanted to share a picture of Dave and I at Lake Winnipesaukee in New Hampshire. It was so beautiful and peaceful there. I loved just sitting by the lake looking out at it. Ahhh.......
Next vacation is Cape Cod in August! Whoo hoo!! Can't wait for that either.

Moira's Name

2009-07-12T14:33:00.003-04:00

I was so happy to come home from our little mini vacation in New Hampshire with Dave's family to find that Moira's name had been done in the sand finally!! I have been waiting a few weeks for it now and I was so excited to see it.
Here is the link to the original posting.

http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2009/07/moira-mae.html

It's beautiful and I love it!

Hope on the horizon.......

2009-07-07T21:57:00.003-04:00

Two things happened today to give us hope. Dave was offered an extra position at work with a wonderful stipend that will help us pay off some bills next school year, save some money, and possibly allow me to stay home with our next baby at least for a year. That is what I am most excited about. After everything we have been through with Moira, the possibility that I could get to stay home with our child makes it worth while. Dave said that is why he applied for the job, so I could stay home. Sigh.....my dream come true!!! :)

We also met with the fertility doctor, although it was sad we were back there, it also was hopeful. I had blood work done today. I will get the results tomorrow. She will be able to tell me if I have already ovulated. If I haven't ovulated yet, she gave me a prescription to start medication that will force a period for me. If I have ovulated, than we need to wait for a period. Once I get my period in August, I will call the office and we will begin starting the Clomid, IUI, etc. Dave and I decided not to try on our own in August. We want me to get healthy, i.e. lose some more weight and work on my blood pressure first. I would like to lose about 10 pounds in the next few months, not sure if it's possible, but I will try! Then we'll start treatments in the fall. He is just very concerned about my BP and me too, so we want that under control first. We are working on it. I see my primary care doctor on the 20th to check in and see what the next step is! YAY!

OK, so there is my good news for the day. Dave's new position at work, he will still be teaching, this will be extra and on top of his teaching duties. I will explain more once he says it's OK too. YAY!!

Another doctor's appointment and no guarantees

2009-07-06T15:43:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow is our consult appointment with the RE, reproductive endocrinologist, or the fertility doctor. We are meeting with her to discuss our plans for the future in hopes of getting pregnant again, expanding our family, and hoping that we will be able to bring a baby home. It's awful that after all of this, I have come to the conclusion that there are no, I mean NO guarantees in life. It doesn't matter what stage of the pregnancy you are in, there is no guarantee that your baby will live, that you will be able to take your baby home. It's sad, but how can that make for a joyful pregnancy? I absolutely LOVED being pregnant with Moira, I loved every minute of it. I enjoyed every kick, movement, and my ever expanding belly. I was in heaven. How am I going to be with our next pregnancy? Am I going to feel the same? Am I going to love it as much as I loved it the first time? Most of all, am I going to be able to bring the next baby home? Will that baby live? Will that baby be healthy and come home to this loving house? We have a beautiful nursery waiting, tons of clothes waiting, tons of cloth diapers waiting, and most of all loving parents waiting for their baby. Parents waiting for the chance to be the parents they want to be, that they need to be. Waiting to have a baby to take care of, nurse, watch grow, play with, enjoy time with. It's awful that even though what happened to Moira is rare, there is still no guarantee that it won't happen again.
I do want to be pregnant again, I do want to have another baby, one that we can bring home and love forever. I am praying that tomorrow brings us more hope on our road to healing. I am planning to ask her for meds to start my period. It hasn't started yet and I want to get it started so we can start trying again for another baby soon.

Wii and the Wii Fit

2009-07-02T20:38:00.000-04:00

So, we bought the Wii and the Wii Fit today!! Yay!!! I am so excited. I tried it out tonight and it says I am obese and my Wii age is 44. Lovely! I did just have a baby 7 weeks ago. I still had $200 left from the gift cards that my old work gave us so we put that towards it plus some money we had in savings. I made Dave try it out tonight too and he liked it. Tomorrow we are going to go and get some hand weights and a mat to put under our elliptical because we have wood floors and it moves everywhere. We are both going to try and do the Wii Fit and the elliptical as much as we can. The Wii Fit will be easy to do everyday, it's so fun. I am going to take it up to NH with us next week and try and use it. My SIL wants to get the Wii Fit too, so she can give it a try too. Should be fun! I want to lose and tone this baby fat and get healthy for the next baby and it will also help my blood pressure.
Anyway, now we are going to do the bowling again. That's fun too. I love it!! I love our XBOX 360 too, it can do a whole lot more, but this is fun and easy for me. I have horrible eye hand coordination, so the Wii is totally easy for me!!

Poems

2009-07-02T12:20:00.003-04:00

Below are two poems that someone sent me on an infant loss board. They posted them under this picture which I had posted on my profile.

My Mom is a Survivor

My Mom is a survivor,
or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night
when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach
that never wash away ...
I watch over my surviving Mom
who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others ...
a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door
I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My Mom tries to cope with death;
To keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows
it is her way to survive.
as I watch over my surviving Mom
through Heaven's open door ...
I try to tell her that angels
protect me forevermore!
I know that doesn't help her,
or ease the burden she bears.
So, if you get a chance, go visit her.
Show her that you care.
for no matter what she says ...
no matter what she feels.
My surviving Mom has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal.
~Author~
Kaye Des'Ormeaux

My Dad is a Survivor

My dad is a survivor too
which is no surprise to me.
He's always been like a lighthouse
that helps you cross a stormy sea.

But, I walk with my dad each day
to lift him when he's down.
I wipe the tears he hides from others;
He cries when no one's around.

I watch him sit up late at night
with my picture in his hand.
He cries as he tries to grieve alone,
and wishes he could understand.

My dad is like a tower of strength.
He's the greatest of them all!
But, there are times when he needs to cry...
Please be there when he falls.

Hold his hand or pat his shoulder...
And tell him it's okay.
Be his strength when he's sad,
Help him mourn in his own way.

Now, as I watch over my precious dad
from the Heavens up above...
I'm so proud that he's a survivor...
And, I can still feel his love.