Special Announcement!

Well, my husband Dave and I are so happy to announce that we are expecting our Rainbow Baby! We are both so excited and still can't believe it! I will be 10 weeks on Monday and I am due June 28, 2010. I will be watched very closely, including weekly ultrasounds starting at 28 weeks and then starting at 32 weeks I'll start going in twice a week. We are hoping for a c-section at 37 weeks, but still have to talk to the high risk OB about that. We already know that I will NOT go past 38 weeks.
I am scared, nervous, excited, happy all rolled into one. My blood pressure has been great, so I am not too worried about that! I had my first OB appointment on Wednesday and everything was great! We were there for an hour and a half with the nurse and then with my OB. The nurse is my favorite nurse practitioner and she even gave us a peek at the little peanut! Since it was too early to hear the heartbeat on the doppler, she rolled in their portable ultrasound machine. It was so great!!
So, here I am pregnant after a full-term loss and scared out of my mind, as well as so incredibly excited.

Below is my ultrasound from
7 weeks 2 days!

Friday 5

Thanks to my friend Debbie, she said that I should do a Friday 5. Five reasons to be happy. Being happy has been so hard these past 6 months. True happiness for me, would be for Moira to be here. I know that can't happen, so I have to come up with 5 things that make me happy.
I think I can do that!

1. My amazing husband!

2. Beautiful rainbows.

3. My wonderful friends.

4. Amazing loss mamas out there who have helped me through my darkest days. Everyone has been wonderful. I love talking with Debbie, she just knows the right things to say and I can look at her and know, she knows what I am going through! Thank you all, you know who you are, for being there for me!

5. My daughter. It makes me sad to think of her, but I am also so happy to have known her and to have carried her for 40 weeks, and bonded with her, loved her, cared for her, and met her if even for a short time.

So, beyond all of the sadness in my life, I know that I have many, many reasons to be happy. My family has been wonderful as well, so I guess I can add in a 6th one,

6. My family:)

Thank you!

I want to say Thank You to Holly for taking this beautiful picture for me!




I LOVE this picture!!!

6 months

6 months ago today my Moira was born and my life changed forever. I miss her everyday and this pain sucks! I have been feeling a little more like myself these days, I feel like I can function a little more. Things are getting done around the house, slowly, but they are. There was a point a few months ago, that I felt like I couldn't function. I could make it through the work day, but when I got home, I would just go to my dark place. A place where I didn't have to think about daily things.
Now, Dave and I are stronger than we have ever been. I have met some amazing woman who have supported me through such a dark time in my life. I also have amazing and wonderful friends who have been there for me as well. My life will never be the same again, I will always have a hole in my heart that should be filled by Moira, but I know she is in a place where she isn't in pain anymore, and she is safe.
Hopefully we'll have a rainbow baby soon to fill that hole in our hearts just a little bit. No baby will ever replace Moira, but will help us to feel a little more whole.

Your daddy and I love you Moira with all of our hearts. We love you and miss you everyday that you aren't here with us and we will always, always, love you.

Thoughts and prayers for a friend

Please keep my friend and fellow loss mama, Jayme, in your thoughts and prayers. She has lost 3 babies and recently had her rainbow babies, twin boys. One of them is suffering from retinoblastoma, cancer in both eyes.
I have been thinking of their family non-stop and I am so worried and sad for them.
Thanks my blog friends!

Please remember.....

Tonight at 7pm I will light my angel candle for my sweet angel Moira Mae. I will remember her and all of the babies who were taken from their families too soon, Sophie, Julia, Jules, Katelynn, Catti, Abigale, Evan, Olive Lucy, Elora Jade, Connor, Raime, Amanda Joy and many more. There are just too many babies.
Please join me in this "wave of light" at 7pm in any time zone. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. www.october15th.com

Well hello there!!

Sorry I haven't been around much. My life seems to be crazy and yet when I get home I haven't had much to do. Work is crazy and I love it. I can say I truly love my job. I love the people I work with and the kids I have. I am happy to get up every morning and go to work. I don't think I have felt that, ever! I have always liked my previous jobs, but there was always something about each one that made it hard to get up and go. Usually it had something to do with the commute. My commute now is the shortest it has ever been, 15 minutes!

Anyway, I have been dealing with a lot of feelings. Grief, being overwhelmed, anxiety, etc. I am so lucky to have so many wonderful, supportive people in my life. My friend Karen, who I used to nanny for, has been my saving grace! She is wonderful!! She was amazing and so helpful to us while we were in the hospital and she has also just been a supportive friend. I always feel so much better after talking with her. She's sort of like a big sister I guess. I think that's the best way to describe her. I know that I will always have a home at their house.
We also have some wonderful close friends who we hang out with a lot and they too have been so supportive to us.
It's also amazing to me that there are so many people rooting for us and hoping we get pregnant soon and have a baby to keep forever.
That being said, I have been struggling. Struggling to find my place in this world. I have a wonderful husband, a great job, and amazing friends. What more can I ask for? I am sure all of you loss mamas out there know what my answer to that question is, a baby. That's all I ask for. Would I prefer to have Moira? Hell yes! (sorry for the language) Yes, I would much rather have my Moira here with us, but she isn't. She is in heaven, safe and playing with her new friends. She isn't in pain anymore and I know deep down in my heart that she is in a better place.
Even though I know that, I still struggle some days with the "what if's." I know I can't do that because it isn't healthy for me, but there are just some days that I am overwhelmed by this hole in my heart. So with all of this, I finally went to my doctor and asked for some help. I haven't told many people about this, but I guess you could say that I have been suffering from post-postpartum depression in the last month or so. Who wouldn't, right? After everything I have been through, I am not surprised. I think once the summer was winding down and things were getting back to normal, is when everything really started to set in and my grief and anxiety was so much more overwhelming. My doctor decided to start me on a low dose of meds. to help me out some. I have been on them for a little over 2 weeks and I have to say I am feeling better. I am still sad, but I feel more like myself. I know I will never be completely the same Alison I was before Moira, but I feel like I can function a little better. Dave has noticed a difference as well and we aren't as snappy with each other as we were a few weeks ago.
Anyway, some of you may be wondering, why am I sharing this on a public blog for everyone to see??? :o) I want to share my story so that other loss mamas know they are not alone and that it's OK to be feeling this way. My doctor told me I was taking all of the right steps. I was at first in denial, but then when I started to recognize what was going on and Dave was talking to me about everything, I knew I needed to do something. I also want anyone else out there who isn't a loss mama to know. Know what it is we really go through. I would never wish this on anyone, but I want people to know how I feel. I also want everyone to know it's OK to talk to me about Moira and about what happened and what I am going through. I NEED to talk about all of that. If I keep this all bottled up inside of me, I think I would go crazy!!!
Anyway, that's kind of what has been going on with me the last few weeks and why I haven't been around much. I have a few little projects I am working on and also enjoying spending time with Dave. We have been playing our new Wii Resort game a lot lately and having tons of fun together!

October 15th

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Please light a candle 7pm no matter which time zone you are in. Remember Moira and all of the other baby angels in heaven that day.

Our 6 year old nephew Nathan is here today. I was showing him a scrapbook that someone made for me of Moira. He looked at the pictures with me and then said to me "I wish I could have seen Moira in person instead of just in pictures." I do too Nathan, I do too.
Sigh.....he likes to talk about her, ask us questions, and go in her room. I told him that I have a few good friends whose little babies died and went to heaven because they were sick too. I told him they were all playing with Moira and keeping each other safe in heaven. I asked him if he liked that, and he said "yes." He is such a sweetie. I told him that he can talk or ask about Moira anytime he wants because I don't want him to ever forget about her and he told me that he doesn't want to forget her!

My baby "got sick and passed away......."

Hello everyone!!
Sorry I haven't updated in awhile. I am just so tired when I get home from work and the last thing I feel like doing is blogging. :( I loved doing it all summer, but now just my comfy clothes and my bed call out to me.
My days are filled with classes and running around the school with different errands and such to do. Copies to make, folders to organize, and kids to help out! This week I had a 7th grader ask me if I had any kids, well of course I had to tell her. I have a picture of Moira sitting on my desk and this girl will be in my classroom 4 days a week. So, I told the student that I had a little baby who got sick and passed away. Sigh.....she was so sweet. Then today I had an 8th grader who knew me last year from another class, but she didn't know what happened to Moira. Most of the 7th graders last year who I would of had encounters with in certain classrooms were told. This one wasn't told. She wasn't in a class that I would have subbed in or helped out in. She was in a study hall with the woman I shared a classroom with last year. So, she asked me if I had a boy or a girl. I told her that actually my baby got sick and passed away. So, that is my token answer for any of the kids. That is what they told the kids last year, that Moira "got sick and passed away."
I hate to say that, I hate that I had a baby who got sick and died! A baby I longed for and wanted for so long. A baby I planned for and loved from the minute we knew we were pregnant with. All I have left of her is her ashes sitting on a shelf and her hair in my locket. My baby got sick and passed away. It's just not fair! I WANT MY BABY HERE WITH ME!!! Why don't I get to have my baby here??? Sigh......
Anyway, that's been my week. I promise to try and update a little more, but nothing super exciting is going on with me.
I am excited that next weekend I get to meet some loss mamas for the first time IRL, all who have had their rainbow babies as well. They have been a wonderful support for me from the beginning. Debbie, Jen, and Maria, I can't wait to see you ladies and have a nice weekend!