Today

Today I felt the baby give me the tiniest little nudge while I was sitting at lunch! What a nice feeling that was!! Made me feel a little better since I have been so anxious lately. I felt Moira at 14 weeks and I really haven't felt this baby much. I know every baby is different, but when you are a loss mom, every little thing makes you anxious!
At the end of the day, the dull headache I had all day got worse. It was awful! I thought I would pass out. After running to the store for some more Tylenol and paying our mortgage, I came home and went to bed. I put a cold cloth over my head and fell asleep. It feels much better now!!
I had the nurse at school check my BP this morning and it was 117/62! Whoo hoo!
Also today was a little weird. We went to our neighbor's house to pick up the rest of our baby stuff. They had been storing it at their house since I was in the hospital with Moira. Them and two other friends had gone to our house while we were in the hospital and cleaned up all of the baby stuff, the pack and play, swing, bouncy seat, car seat, etc. All of that stuff was out in our house. Not all of it was set up yet, but it was there. Now we have it back. I thought I would be sad, but it felt good to have it all at home. SO, for now it's stored in the nursery. It's so hard to call it the nursery, I pause a lot and call it Moira's room. I mean, it is Moira's room, but it will also be this little baby's room too. So, now I just try to call it the nursery. It's hard. Don't get me wrong, I actually can't wait to have this baby in the nursery. It's beautiful!! I am dying to use it!! I WANT to use it!!
Check out this post, it has a few pictures of it!

What is a Rainbow Baby?

People have asked me this question before and I searched and searched all over to find the best meaning I could for a "Rainbow Baby."
This is what I found.....

"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

I think that's a pretty good definition of what a rainbow baby means.

Check out the new digs!

Thank you so much to my online friend Mandy for designing my new blog! It looks great!! :) Starting a new year with a new blog and new hope!!!

Happy 2010!!!

I feel hopeful today. Hopeful for a better year and that things will start to turn around for us. Today I celebrate my 34th birthday, feeling a little old!! I also am celebrating the new year, as well as my 15th week of pregnancy!! 15 weeks!! Approximately 22 more weeks to go, that is if this baby comes at 37 weeks. If not, it's 23 more weeks. Not too shabby!! 22 weeks sounds a lot shorter than 5 months for some reason.
Today I am doing a whole lot of nothing!! I took a shower and I am sitting in my sweats. That's what I want to do for my birthday. Dave will make me a nice dinner with some good meat we bought at the butcher the other day. We will relax, maybe play some Wii bowling or something, and possibly watch a movie.
That's my day!!

I am also excited because an online friend that I have met is helping me to redesign this blog for the new year and the new baby! So, look for that in the coming week!!

Happy New Year everyone and may your 2010 bring you lots of joy!!

See ya later 2009 and don't come back!!!

I am so glad that we are in the last few hours of 2009. It started out as a wonderful year. We were expecting our first baby and we were so excited. Then that fateful day came, May 8, 2009. It sucked. We found out our baby was born with severe brain damage and she wouldn't live.
As we are about to embark on a new year, I am feeling hopeful. Still a little sad, but hopeful. Since Moira's passing, I have battled with post-partum depression, I mean who wouldn't after the hell I went through? I have met some amazing women who have helped my heart to heal some. I got my blood pressure under control and my PPD as well. I have grown closer to my wonderful husband and we have really been there for each other. I have grown closer to some friends and also haven't spoken to friends since Moira's death. I have gotten used to a new me. It's not a better me, but a new me. The me after my baby died. I have gotten over the fear of my new niece and embraced her with open arms. She has become a big part of my healing as well. She is the most amazing little girl. She probably will never really know how much she helped her auntie and uncle. Then in October we found our rainbow. We were pregnant again. The emotions were running wild. Our world was going to be changed again. More appointments, more worries, more excitement. Everything is going well though! Sometimes I feel guilty because all I had of Moira was my pregnancy with her and now I am sharing those only moments with another child. A child who will hopefully heal our heart just a little more. How can I be so happy, but also feel so guilty?
2010, I feel like it's going to be a good year. I mean, it has to be a good year after the hell we have been through, right??? Why would the universe do that to us again?
Welcome 2010 and please, please bring us the hope and healing that we need!

Christmas.....Bah Humbug?

So, there is this commercial on TV that I just HATE right now. It's a commercial for a local jewelery store. It's this woman rocking her baby girl in front of the Christmas tree and her husband comes downstairs. She says it's 2am and the baby just fell asleep. The dad says something along the lines of "It's 2am on our first Christmas together as a family." ***CRIES*** It makes me want to scream! That's supposed to be Dave and I and Moira and it's not us. It will NOT be us this year. I want to throw something at the TV whenever that commercial comes on. I mean, we do have a lot to be happy about this Christmas and a lot to be sad about as well. We are expecting a new baby, but we are also mourning the loss of our daughter who should be here with us. I am having a really hard time getting into the Christmas spirit this year.
Anyway, there we have it. Moira is never far from my thoughts. I think of her everyday. I think of holding her, smelling her, and just feeling her in my arms, wishing I could hold her again, but this time never let go. This new baby is a blessing for us, a way for us to heal and to maybe fill a little bit of the hole left behind after Moira died, but this baby won't be replacement for Moira. Nothing or noone will ever replace our first born daughter. We are looking to the future now and trying to think about this baby and take everything one day at a time, but also never forgetting our sweet angel.

Special Announcement!

Well, my husband Dave and I are so happy to announce that we are expecting our Rainbow Baby! We are both so excited and still can't believe it! I will be 10 weeks on Monday and I am due June 28, 2010. I will be watched very closely, including weekly ultrasounds starting at 28 weeks and then starting at 32 weeks I'll start going in twice a week. We are hoping for a c-section at 37 weeks, but still have to talk to the high risk OB about that. We already know that I will NOT go past 38 weeks.
I am scared, nervous, excited, happy all rolled into one. My blood pressure has been great, so I am not too worried about that! I had my first OB appointment on Wednesday and everything was great! We were there for an hour and a half with the nurse and then with my OB. The nurse is my favorite nurse practitioner and she even gave us a peek at the little peanut! Since it was too early to hear the heartbeat on the doppler, she rolled in their portable ultrasound machine. It was so great!!
So, here I am pregnant after a full-term loss and scared out of my mind, as well as so incredibly excited.

Below is my ultrasound from
7 weeks 2 days!

Friday 5

Thanks to my friend Debbie, she said that I should do a Friday 5. Five reasons to be happy. Being happy has been so hard these past 6 months. True happiness for me, would be for Moira to be here. I know that can't happen, so I have to come up with 5 things that make me happy.
I think I can do that!

1. My amazing husband!

2. Beautiful rainbows.

3. My wonderful friends.

4. Amazing loss mamas out there who have helped me through my darkest days. Everyone has been wonderful. I love talking with Debbie, she just knows the right things to say and I can look at her and know, she knows what I am going through! Thank you all, you know who you are, for being there for me!

5. My daughter. It makes me sad to think of her, but I am also so happy to have known her and to have carried her for 40 weeks, and bonded with her, loved her, cared for her, and met her if even for a short time.

So, beyond all of the sadness in my life, I know that I have many, many reasons to be happy. My family has been wonderful as well, so I guess I can add in a 6th one,

6. My family:)

Thank you!

I want to say Thank You to Holly for taking this beautiful picture for me!




I LOVE this picture!!!

6 months

6 months ago today my Moira was born and my life changed forever. I miss her everyday and this pain sucks! I have been feeling a little more like myself these days, I feel like I can function a little more. Things are getting done around the house, slowly, but they are. There was a point a few months ago, that I felt like I couldn't function. I could make it through the work day, but when I got home, I would just go to my dark place. A place where I didn't have to think about daily things.
Now, Dave and I are stronger than we have ever been. I have met some amazing woman who have supported me through such a dark time in my life. I also have amazing and wonderful friends who have been there for me as well. My life will never be the same again, I will always have a hole in my heart that should be filled by Moira, but I know she is in a place where she isn't in pain anymore, and she is safe.
Hopefully we'll have a rainbow baby soon to fill that hole in our hearts just a little bit. No baby will ever replace Moira, but will help us to feel a little more whole.

Your daddy and I love you Moira with all of our hearts. We love you and miss you everyday that you aren't here with us and we will always, always, love you.