Christmas.....Bah Humbug?

So, there is this commercial on TV that I just HATE right now. It's a commercial for a local jewelery store. It's this woman rocking her baby girl in front of the Christmas tree and her husband comes downstairs. She says it's 2am and the baby just fell asleep. The dad says something along the lines of "It's 2am on our first Christmas together as a family." ***CRIES*** It makes me want to scream! That's supposed to be Dave and I and Moira and it's not us. It will NOT be us this year. I want to throw something at the TV whenever that commercial comes on. I mean, we do have a lot to be happy about this Christmas and a lot to be sad about as well. We are expecting a new baby, but we are also mourning the loss of our daughter who should be here with us. I am having a really hard time getting into the Christmas spirit this year.
Anyway, there we have it. Moira is never far from my thoughts. I think of her everyday. I think of holding her, smelling her, and just feeling her in my arms, wishing I could hold her again, but this time never let go. This new baby is a blessing for us, a way for us to heal and to maybe fill a little bit of the hole left behind after Moira died, but this baby won't be replacement for Moira. Nothing or noone will ever replace our first born daughter. We are looking to the future now and trying to think about this baby and take everything one day at a time, but also never forgetting our sweet angel.

Special Announcement!

Well, my husband Dave and I are so happy to announce that we are expecting our Rainbow Baby! We are both so excited and still can't believe it! I will be 10 weeks on Monday and I am due June 28, 2010. I will be watched very closely, including weekly ultrasounds starting at 28 weeks and then starting at 32 weeks I'll start going in twice a week. We are hoping for a c-section at 37 weeks, but still have to talk to the high risk OB about that. We already know that I will NOT go past 38 weeks.
I am scared, nervous, excited, happy all rolled into one. My blood pressure has been great, so I am not too worried about that! I had my first OB appointment on Wednesday and everything was great! We were there for an hour and a half with the nurse and then with my OB. The nurse is my favorite nurse practitioner and she even gave us a peek at the little peanut! Since it was too early to hear the heartbeat on the doppler, she rolled in their portable ultrasound machine. It was so great!!
So, here I am pregnant after a full-term loss and scared out of my mind, as well as so incredibly excited.

Below is my ultrasound from
7 weeks 2 days!

Friday 5

Thanks to my friend Debbie, she said that I should do a Friday 5. Five reasons to be happy. Being happy has been so hard these past 6 months. True happiness for me, would be for Moira to be here. I know that can't happen, so I have to come up with 5 things that make me happy.
I think I can do that!

1. My amazing husband!

2. Beautiful rainbows.

3. My wonderful friends.

4. Amazing loss mamas out there who have helped me through my darkest days. Everyone has been wonderful. I love talking with Debbie, she just knows the right things to say and I can look at her and know, she knows what I am going through! Thank you all, you know who you are, for being there for me!

5. My daughter. It makes me sad to think of her, but I am also so happy to have known her and to have carried her for 40 weeks, and bonded with her, loved her, cared for her, and met her if even for a short time.

So, beyond all of the sadness in my life, I know that I have many, many reasons to be happy. My family has been wonderful as well, so I guess I can add in a 6th one,

6. My family:)

Thank you!

I want to say Thank You to Holly for taking this beautiful picture for me!




I LOVE this picture!!!

6 months

6 months ago today my Moira was born and my life changed forever. I miss her everyday and this pain sucks! I have been feeling a little more like myself these days, I feel like I can function a little more. Things are getting done around the house, slowly, but they are. There was a point a few months ago, that I felt like I couldn't function. I could make it through the work day, but when I got home, I would just go to my dark place. A place where I didn't have to think about daily things.
Now, Dave and I are stronger than we have ever been. I have met some amazing woman who have supported me through such a dark time in my life. I also have amazing and wonderful friends who have been there for me as well. My life will never be the same again, I will always have a hole in my heart that should be filled by Moira, but I know she is in a place where she isn't in pain anymore, and she is safe.
Hopefully we'll have a rainbow baby soon to fill that hole in our hearts just a little bit. No baby will ever replace Moira, but will help us to feel a little more whole.

Your daddy and I love you Moira with all of our hearts. We love you and miss you everyday that you aren't here with us and we will always, always, love you.

Thoughts and prayers for a friend

Please keep my friend and fellow loss mama, Jayme, in your thoughts and prayers. She has lost 3 babies and recently had her rainbow babies, twin boys. One of them is suffering from retinoblastoma, cancer in both eyes.
I have been thinking of their family non-stop and I am so worried and sad for them.
Thanks my blog friends!

Please remember.....

Tonight at 7pm I will light my angel candle for my sweet angel Moira Mae. I will remember her and all of the babies who were taken from their families too soon, Sophie, Julia, Jules, Katelynn, Catti, Abigale, Evan, Olive Lucy, Elora Jade, Connor, Raime, Amanda Joy and many more. There are just too many babies.
Please join me in this "wave of light" at 7pm in any time zone. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. www.october15th.com