Thursday, December 31, 2009
As we are about to embark on a new year, I am feeling hopeful. Still a little sad, but hopeful. Since Moira's passing, I have battled with post-partum depression, I mean who wouldn't after the hell I went through? I have met some amazing women who have helped my heart to heal some. I got my blood pressure under control and my PPD as well. I have grown closer to my wonderful husband and we have really been there for each other. I have grown closer to some friends and also haven't spoken to friends since Moira's death. I have gotten used to a new me. It's not a better me, but a new me. The me after my baby died. I have gotten over the fear of my new niece and embraced her with open arms. She has become a big part of my healing as well. She is the most amazing little girl. She probably will never really know how much she helped her auntie and uncle. Then in October we found our rainbow. We were pregnant again. The emotions were running wild. Our world was going to be changed again. More appointments, more worries, more excitement. Everything is going well though! Sometimes I feel guilty because all I had of Moira was my pregnancy with her and now I am sharing those only moments with another child. A child who will hopefully heal our heart just a little more. How can I be so happy, but also feel so guilty?
2010, I feel like it's going to be a good year. I mean, it has to be a good year after the hell we have been through, right??? Why would the universe do that to us again?
Welcome 2010 and please, please bring us the hope and healing that we need!
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Anyway, there we have it. Moira is never far from my thoughts. I think of her everyday. I think of holding her, smelling her, and just feeling her in my arms, wishing I could hold her again, but this time never let go. This new baby is a blessing for us, a way for us to heal and to maybe fill a little bit of the hole left behind after Moira died, but this baby won't be replacement for Moira. Nothing or noone will ever replace our first born daughter. We are looking to the future now and trying to think about this baby and take everything one day at a time, but also never forgetting our sweet angel.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
I am scared, nervous, excited, happy all rolled into one. My blood pressure has been great, so I am not too worried about that! I had my first OB appointment on Wednesday and everything was great! We were there for an hour and a half with the nurse and then with my OB. The nurse is my favorite nurse practitioner and she even gave us a peek at the little peanut! Since it was too early to hear the heartbeat on the doppler, she rolled in their portable ultrasound machine. It was so great!!
So, here I am pregnant after a full-term loss and scared out of my mind, as well as so incredibly excited.
Below is my ultrasound from
7 weeks 2 days!
Friday, November 13, 2009
I think I can do that!
1. My amazing husband!
2. Beautiful rainbows.
3. My wonderful friends.
4. Amazing loss mamas out there who have helped me through my darkest days. Everyone has been wonderful. I love talking with Debbie, she just knows the right things to say and I can look at her and know, she knows what I am going through! Thank you all, you know who you are, for being there for me!
5. My daughter. It makes me sad to think of her, but I am also so happy to have known her and to have carried her for 40 weeks, and bonded with her, loved her, cared for her, and met her if even for a short time.
So, beyond all of the sadness in my life, I know that I have many, many reasons to be happy. My family has been wonderful as well, so I guess I can add in a 6th one,
6. My family:)
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Now, Dave and I are stronger than we have ever been. I have met some amazing woman who have supported me through such a dark time in my life. I also have amazing and wonderful friends who have been there for me as well. My life will never be the same again, I will always have a hole in my heart that should be filled by Moira, but I know she is in a place where she isn't in pain anymore, and she is safe.
Hopefully we'll have a rainbow baby soon to fill that hole in our hearts just a little bit. No baby will ever replace Moira, but will help us to feel a little more whole.
Your daddy and I love you Moira with all of our hearts. We love you and miss you everyday that you aren't here with us and we will always, always, love you.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
I have been thinking of their family non-stop and I am so worried and sad for them.
Thanks my blog friends!
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Tonight at 7pm I will light my angel candle for my sweet angel Moira Mae. I will remember her and all of the babies who were taken from their families too soon, Sophie, Julia, Jules, Katelynn, Catti, Abigale, Evan, Olive Lucy, Elora Jade, Connor, Raime, Amanda Joy and many more. There are just too many babies.
Please join me in this "wave of light" at 7pm in any time zone. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. www.october15th.com
Friday, October 2, 2009
Anyway, I have been dealing with a lot of feelings. Grief, being overwhelmed, anxiety, etc. I am so lucky to have so many wonderful, supportive people in my life. My friend Karen, who I used to nanny for, has been my saving grace! She is wonderful!! She was amazing and so helpful to us while we were in the hospital and she has also just been a supportive friend. I always feel so much better after talking with her. She's sort of like a big sister I guess. I think that's the best way to describe her. I know that I will always have a home at their house.
We also have some wonderful close friends who we hang out with a lot and they too have been so supportive to us.
It's also amazing to me that there are so many people rooting for us and hoping we get pregnant soon and have a baby to keep forever.
That being said, I have been struggling. Struggling to find my place in this world. I have a wonderful husband, a great job, and amazing friends. What more can I ask for? I am sure all of you loss mamas out there know what my answer to that question is, a baby. That's all I ask for. Would I prefer to have Moira? Hell yes! (sorry for the language) Yes, I would much rather have my Moira here with us, but she isn't. She is in heaven, safe and playing with her new friends. She isn't in pain anymore and I know deep down in my heart that she is in a better place.
Even though I know that, I still struggle some days with the "what if's." I know I can't do that because it isn't healthy for me, but there are just some days that I am overwhelmed by this hole in my heart. So with all of this, I finally went to my doctor and asked for some help. I haven't told many people about this, but I guess you could say that I have been suffering from post-postpartum depression in the last month or so. Who wouldn't, right? After everything I have been through, I am not surprised. I think once the summer was winding down and things were getting back to normal, is when everything really started to set in and my grief and anxiety was so much more overwhelming. My doctor decided to start me on a low dose of meds. to help me out some. I have been on them for a little over 2 weeks and I have to say I am feeling better. I am still sad, but I feel more like myself. I know I will never be completely the same Alison I was before Moira, but I feel like I can function a little better. Dave has noticed a difference as well and we aren't as snappy with each other as we were a few weeks ago.
Anyway, some of you may be wondering, why am I sharing this on a public blog for everyone to see??? :o) I want to share my story so that other loss mamas know they are not alone and that it's OK to be feeling this way. My doctor told me I was taking all of the right steps. I was at first in denial, but then when I started to recognize what was going on and Dave was talking to me about everything, I knew I needed to do something. I also want anyone else out there who isn't a loss mama to know. Know what it is we really go through. I would never wish this on anyone, but I want people to know how I feel. I also want everyone to know it's OK to talk to me about Moira and about what happened and what I am going through. I NEED to talk about all of that. If I keep this all bottled up inside of me, I think I would go crazy!!!
Anyway, that's kind of what has been going on with me the last few weeks and why I haven't been around much. I have a few little projects I am working on and also enjoying spending time with Dave. We have been playing our new Wii Resort game a lot lately and having tons of fun together!
Monday, September 28, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Sigh.....he likes to talk about her, ask us questions, and go in her room. I told him that I have a few good friends whose little babies died and went to heaven because they were sick too. I told him they were all playing with Moira and keeping each other safe in heaven. I asked him if he liked that, and he said "yes." He is such a sweetie. I told him that he can talk or ask about Moira anytime he wants because I don't want him to ever forget about her and he told me that he doesn't want to forget her!
Friday, September 11, 2009
Sorry I haven't updated in awhile. I am just so tired when I get home from work and the last thing I feel like doing is blogging. :( I loved doing it all summer, but now just my comfy clothes and my bed call out to me.
My days are filled with classes and running around the school with different errands and such to do. Copies to make, folders to organize, and kids to help out! This week I had a 7th grader ask me if I had any kids, well of course I had to tell her. I have a picture of Moira sitting on my desk and this girl will be in my classroom 4 days a week. So, I told the student that I had a little baby who got sick and passed away. Sigh.....she was so sweet. Then today I had an 8th grader who knew me last year from another class, but she didn't know what happened to Moira. Most of the 7th graders last year who I would of had encounters with in certain classrooms were told. This one wasn't told. She wasn't in a class that I would have subbed in or helped out in. She was in a study hall with the woman I shared a classroom with last year. So, she asked me if I had a boy or a girl. I told her that actually my baby got sick and passed away. So, that is my token answer for any of the kids. That is what they told the kids last year, that Moira "got sick and passed away."
I hate to say that, I hate that I had a baby who got sick and died! A baby I longed for and wanted for so long. A baby I planned for and loved from the minute we knew we were pregnant with. All I have left of her is her ashes sitting on a shelf and her hair in my locket. My baby got sick and passed away. It's just not fair! I WANT MY BABY HERE WITH ME!!! Why don't I get to have my baby here??? Sigh......
Anyway, that's been my week. I promise to try and update a little more, but nothing super exciting is going on with me.
I am excited that next weekend I get to meet some loss mamas for the first time IRL, all who have had their rainbow babies as well. They have been a wonderful support for me from the beginning. Debbie, Jen, and Maria, I can't wait to see you ladies and have a nice weekend!
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
I was so anxious and nervous all last week about returning to work. My post-loss job, where I was pregnant the whole school year. How were people going to react to me, what would they say, what would I say, how would I feel sitting at my desk again?? I had a few panic attacks last week and was very, very nervous the first day. After going to the district wide opening day meeting, I headed over to the jr. high and we had our school meeting. Everyone was coming up to me, hugging me, welcoming me back, saying how happy they were to have me back, and also say how sorry they were. It felt so good and I felt so loved!
Anyway, I also have to just put in here that I hope you all will say some prayers for this family.
I have no words for the loss they are experiencing right now. Mirne, if you read this I am so, so, sorry for this horrible loss you are experiencing right now. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
I hope to try and update a little more often, but I have been so exhausted after work this week! Hope everyone is enjoying the start of fall. Hard to believe summer is over.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
If you created a bedroom for your baby tell us what it was like.
Moira's room is beautiful! Lots of friends helped us get her room together. It needed a lot of work since it was originally our junk room piled with boxes. We live in an old house, 1850. The walls were in rough shape, electrical work needed to be done, and the previous owners had painted the wood floor. The trim work was an ugly pinky purple color.
Our friend Cam put up a chair rail and helped Dave fix the walls. Our neighbors helped pick out the colors and helped to prime and paint the walls. We did a creamy colored trim with a pale green on the top wall and a pale purple on the bottom wall. I agonized for months, constantly changing my mind about what I wanted for the nursery theme. I didn't want everything matchy matchy like all of the typical nursery decor. I wanted her nursery to be different, stimulating, and beautiful. I finally decided on bedding from IKEA. Her room is so much fun and so pretty. My parents bought us the crib and Dave's parents bought us the dresser/changing table. We had an old bookshelf that Dave stained and we got a rocking chair from a family that I used to babysit for. Our neighbor and Dave worked on the closet. It is beautiful!
Did you have it ready for them before they were born?
Everything was ready for Moira. There were a few finishing touches that weren't done, but the crib was ready. Her clothes were washed and hanging up and stored away in the dresser. Her cloth diapers were washed, prepped, and put away. Books on the shelves, her nightlight was ready. Stuffed animals lined a shelf and a were put in a basket. The crib was made with freshly washed linens. The room is the cleanest and most organized room in our entire house!
If so how did you cope coming home to it without your baby?
Friends of ours came to our house while we were still in the hospital and packed away EVERYTHING baby related and stored it at our neighbor's house. The car seat was taken out of our car and put away. Her room was left as is. When we came home it was so hard, but we came home to an empty house. The pack and play that had been set up a few days before in our downstairs was now gone. The swing and bouncy seat, still in their boxes waiting to be put together by Dave and my dad, were gone. The diapers and changing stuff I had ready for us to use downstairs, were now put away. Books, ultrasound pictures, notes, etc. all gone. It was surreal and strange, but I was glad to come home to all of that put away and we didn't have to do it. It took me about a month before I could go into her room and when I finally did, I went in with Dave and he held me and I sobbed for what was lost. Now, I go in there and I look around at her things, look at her cloth diapers, her clothes, and the crib and I smile. I smile because I remember all of the love that went into making that room. Our love and our friend's love. We had so much help putting that room together, it makes me happy to see it still there. I don't want to take it down.
Did you pack it all away?
As I said, just the things that were throughout the house. Currently her room is as it was the day we finished it.
What is your baby's room now?
Still a baby's room and it will remain that way for our next baby.
If you are trying to conceive again, or are pregnant again how do you feel about setting up another room before your baby is born?
We are trying to conceive again and we plan to use Moira's room. I feel so happy now when I go into her room. I will keep her room as is for now. When we get pregnant, if we are having a boy, only a few things need to be changed and of course we will eventually buy some boy clothes. If we have a girl, we will use Moira's clothes depending on the season the baby is born. I feel like it will be a wonderful way for us to keep Moira's memory alive, by using all of her things for her little brother or sister.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Anyway, thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers!!
Monday, August 24, 2009
Last year when I was getting ready to start work, it was a new job, a new school year, and I was pregnant with Moira. I had so many hopes and dreams and was so excited and happy. Little did I know what the end of the school year would bring. This year I will be starting that same job with new students, same co-workers, no baby, and I am not pregnant yet. I have no baby to show for my school year long pregnancy and my maternity leave. I am feeling so overwhelmed and anxious!
Luckily I have an amazing boss, she is the special education department head and the supervisor of us instructional aides. Anyway, I e-mailed her today and asked if I could come in for a visit if she was going to be in this week. I explained to her that I am feeling overwhelmed and anxious about the start of the school year and I would love to just chat with her and hopefully help ease some of my anxiety. She, of course, said yes! I am going in tomorrow morning for a little while to visit her and will hopefully feel a little better about the start of the school year on Monday. Actually the students don't report until Tuesday and we have Friday off for a long Labor Day weekend. So, it will be a 3 day week with the students and a 4 day work week for the teachers, etc. I'm feeling a little better now!
Sunday, August 23, 2009
On Tuesday we started our trip by sailing from Boston to Marblehead, that's where this picture was taken. I had never been to Marblehead before. It was a quaint little New England sea town. Great scenery, cute little houses, and just a nice town. I took some great pictures while we were there! Wednesday we got up and got underway to Provincetown, the tip of Cape Cod. I only remember going there once when I was a kid with my family and I can sort of remember the beach, but that's it. P-town, if you don't know, is a cute, fun, hip town where there is such a mixture of different and interesting people. It was fun. We went to a bar Wednesday night for a drink and we had a drag queen for a karaoke DJ who was hilarious! Thursday morning we got up, ate breakfast in P-town, walked around a little bit more, then went back to the boat. We did our usual shower routine, which was jump in the water, soap up, and then jump back into the water. The P-town harbor water was like bath water, it was so nice. We took salt water baths all week. Then after that we set sail to Scituate, MA, which is Dave and our friend Peter's hometown. It was Peter's boat we were on. We got into Scituate, ate dinner, had a few drinks with Peter's sister, and met up with another one of Peter's friends, Robyn who was joining us in Scituate for the sail back to Boston on Friday. There were four of us that were on the whole trip, Dave and I and then Peter and his friend Rachel who was a lot of fun and then she just joined us for the last leg. Friday we got up, had breakfast at Dunkin Donuts in Scituate, got a few things at the store, and then headed out to Boston. It was really a lot of fun and I am glad we did it. because who knows if we'll be able to do it next year. I will post some pictures later. Also, I have some pictures on Facebook, which I think most of you have seen, but I'll try to post a few of my favorites here.
Two things about my previous dream my therapist said I should take the energy from my dream and go with it. In other words, she said I should journal to the twins. Write them notes, talk to them, etc. She said she believes in dreams coming true and that if you take the energy from such a great dream that it's possible it will come true. I've been thinking about that and thinking about writing to "my twins." We'll see!!
Also, I talked to my mom about it last night. I told her about the dream and how vivid it was and how I rarely remember my dreams. She asked if I could be pregnant and I said no because I had just finished my period. She called it a baby dream. She had told me before about how she had vivid dreams while pregnant with me and my brother. She knew I was a girl and Tom was a boy, she knew what we looked like, everything. Since then she has had other baby dreams about people close to her, her sister, friends, etc. She never had a baby dream when I was pregnant with Moira and I never had a baby dream while pregnant with her either. I had one early on of me buying baby boy clothes, but no baby in the dream. That was before we knew she was a girl. Then later on I had a dream of me nursing her, but it wasn't very vivid and I barely remember it. So, I am wondering if that means something? I don't want to read into it because I think that will make me sad and I don't want to be sad. So, instead I think I am going to take the energy from the baby dream I had of me having twins and go with it like my therapist said. If I don't have twins, I won't be totally upset because then that means I can get pregnant again. I loved being pregnant and can't wait to get pregnant again. If I do have twins, then I would be OK with that too. It would be my last pregnancy though unless somewhere down the road I could convince Dave to go at it again and see. We always settled on the fact that we would have 2 kids and if we get them in one shot then great. We'll see.....
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Just wanted to share this picture of Dave and I from our sailing trip this week. I love it!! I think I am going to blow it up and frame it. We had an amazing time. It was so fun and relaxing. I haven't been this tan in a long time! My freckles popped out like crazy! So much so that Dave couldn't figure out what the spots on my nose were. When I looked in the mirror, I said "you silly, those are my freckles!!" Anyway, I will update more about our trip later. I am so tired right now and heading to bed soon.
Monday, August 17, 2009
So today I had to go back to the dentist to get fitted for a night guard. I am finally taking the plunge and getting one. This dentist office I go to is much more affordable than previous dentist offices. My teeth are so worn down from me clenching them for so many years. Anyway, I went in this afternoon and the hygienist was really sweet, asking me if we had been on any vacations yet this summer. I said we had just gotten back from Cape Cod. She then proceeded to ask me if I had any kids and I, without thinking, said "no." She was like, "Oh, so just you and your husband, that must be nice." Inside I am screaming at myself. YES, I DO HAVE A CHILD. I have a beautiful daughter that isn't with me anymore. She's an angel up in heaven. I am sitting there in the chair, yelling at myself in my head. Finally, I looked at the hygienist and said "Actually, I do have a baby who I lost a few months ago. She was full term and she had brain damage when she was born." She was so sad for me, said I am sorry and I said "Thank you." She asked me how long ago and then later she said she was sorry for upsetting me. I told her she didn't, I just didn't know what to say when she asked. She was sweet and then asked me, "How are you doing?" So now I have been totally off all day. So mad at myself for not remembering my daughter and saying right away that, "No, I don't have kids." It was just easier to say than to say that I do and then to get that look. I know you all know that look I am talking about. I have played that scenario over and over in my head so many times. What I would say if someone asked me if I had any kids. I would always say in my head, "Yes, I have a daughter who passed away soon after birth due to brain damage." It's always playing in my head when we go somewhere that no one knows us or knows what we have been through. When I was there today, it took me by surprise. I didn't think anyone would ask me.
Sigh......Oh my dear Moira Mae, I love you more than anything in the world and I am so sorry for my stupid mistake today. Everyday you are in my thoughts and everyday I miss you and love you.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Overall it was a good appointment. She didn't really tell us anything we didn't already know, but it was good to meet with her and get her take on the whole thing. She said that the blood pressure meds. I am on are good for pregnancy, which I already knew. She also told us that I can take it up to 4 times a day during pregnancy and currently I am taking it two times a day. She looked at my BP numbers that I had been keeping a record of for the last 2 months. She said I was borderline high before the meds, but that it was good that I am getting it under control now. We talked about my feelings about the last two weeks of my pregnancy. I told her how in my gut, I feel like that is when things were going wrong when I look back on it now. That is when my BP increased even more, I was swollen, etc. She made me feel like my feelings were justified and she listened to everything I had to say. At this point she said that I could stay with my current OB and because they are in the same practice and talk on a regular basis, I can see both of them. I can do some appointments with my OB and then intersperse appointments with her in there as well. That was what we wanted to hear. Dave said he started to have a little panic attack while we were in there when he thought that she might say we couldn't see my OB again, that we would have to move over to just her. We both feel a connection with my OB and we want to keep her for my next pregnancy, so we were both very relieved when we found out I could keep her. I was having a bit of an anxiety attack myself sitting in the waiting room, etc.
Also, the doctor said that when I do get pregnant they will start monitoring me the way I was monitored for Moira earlier, around 28-30 weeks. She also pretty much told me that whatever I want, I can get in so many words. If I am feeling anxious and I want an ultrasound, they can do an ultrasound, I can come in and listen to the heartbeat, whatever. I had asked her if I would get an early ultrasound if we got pregnant on our own. I got an early ultrasound with the RE's office and then got one at 12 weeks with the OB's office. That is when she told me that I could get one whenever I want!! It probably wouldn't be whenever I want, but I am sure they will probably bend over backwards to make me feel at ease during my next pregnancy.
So all in all it was a good appointment. Like I said, it was stuff we already knew, but it was good to meet and know that everyone is on the same page.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Hmmm.......I wonder if that means something? I am now the 3rd person to dream that we had twins. Dave did long before we were pregnant with Moira, and his sister did a few months ago. Interesting. Maybe that is what is meant to be.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
***I promise I will update later about our high risk OB appointment on Monday. The internet connection here at the Cape is crappy and I don't want to stay on too long because I am getting annoyed! ***
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Friday, August 7, 2009
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
On Friday we are going with our neighbors into Boston to go sailing with my husband's best friend Peter. Peter belongs to a yacht club and can take out different kinds of boats. We are all so excited to go. Sunday we leave for Cape Cod for a week and I can't wait!!! I want to get to the beach!! We haven't been all summer and I really have no color at all!! I wish I had a pool to sit out by and get some color. It's been too hot out to just sit on my porch.
On Monday the 10th, we have to leave our little piece of heaven for a little while to go meet with the high risk OB in preparation for our next pregnancy. We have an apt. at 8:30am and it's about an hour and a half from where we are staying for the week. It was the first apt. we could get where both Dave and I could make it. I don't know how much Dave needs to be there, but it doesn't matter I want him there!! :) Since we are having to do it during our vacation too, I want him to come, for the support and so I don't have to repeat everything to him. Plus, he is always better at remembering information when we have important appointments like that.
Anyway, that's about it. Hope you all are doing well out there in blog land!
Saturday, August 1, 2009
1. I am thankful for Dave. He is an amazing and wonderful husband who loves me for me. He makes me laugh and I love spending time with him. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me!
2. I am thankful for Moira. She was our much longed for baby who brought us closer than ever when she was conceived and then in her death she has brought Dave and I even closer than we have ever been. She is the next best thing that has ever happened to me and she is my greatest accomplishment.
3. I am thankful for my family. My family has been so amazing through our journey after Moira. They have been so supportive and loving.
4. I am thankful for my friends. My many online friends who have been supportive and wonderful. Also for my IRL friends. We have some friendships that have grown stronger since Moira's death and that has been wonderful!
5. I am thankful for my cats. They love me unconditionally and they keep me company during my days and cuddle us at night.
6. I am thankful for mine and Dave's jobs. In this economy where people are losing jobs left and right as well as having a hard time finding jobs, we both have secure jobs in a wonderful school system.
7. I am thankful for our house. We love our house and I am so happy we can afford to keep making the house payments and enjoy our beautiful house!
OK, 7 blogs. Hmmm...
1. A Daisy and A Butterfly
2. French Fries, Gravy, & Motherhood
3. Cat's Litterbox
4. Our Kali Alexa
5. Nolan's Story
6. Mental Cobwebs
7. Michigan Yeagers
So, what are you thankful for???
While pregnant with Moira, I had pregnancy induced hypertension, PIH, and that is possibly what caused Moira's brain damage and eventual death. Moira was as close to stillbirth as you can possibly get. My friend Debbie had PIH as well and her daughter Sophie was stillborn as well. Debbie had a friend who just had a baby who was stillborn and also had PIH. Is there a link to this?? I have no idea, I don't have a medical background, but what I do have is a drive to make people aware of this. I want to make woman aware of this, if you have high blood pressure while pregnant, be aware of ALL of the things that can happen to your unborn baby. Speak up, talk to your OB, you need to be your own advocate. Luckily I have an amazing OB who was keeping an eye one me, but what happened to Moira, noone would have been able to know about it.
So Debbie and I chatted some more and the two of us want to do our research, figure out a way to make woman aware of this and what can happen and to feel empowered to be their own advocate. We have no idea where to begin or where to go, but we are going to figure out something!! :) In October Debbie and I are going to try to meet up when I go with Dave to conference not far from her hometown. That will be so much fun to meet her after all of this time we have been chatting! She has been a wonderful support to me during this awful journey I am on. Sigh....Anyway, thanks Debbie for our chat this morning.
The Secret Garden Meeting is a place for parents who have lost their babies to come together and remember their babies.
Here is a quote from the site that explains it better than I can!
"Women from all over the world would meet under the tree at the secret place, The Secret Garden to watch the sun set on the last Friday of each month. They would all have in common a great loss. A loss of life. They would all talk amongst themselves. They would share their hearts and tears and they would welcome each new mother that would make her journey to the top of the hill where the secret garden would be. As the sun would set over the horizon they would pause in silence to remember their beloved children." Taken from the Secret Garden Meeting site. You can go to the site by clicking the button above.
How do you see or imagine your baby/ies now that you do not have them with you?
Since it's only been a little over 2 months since I lost my Moira Mae, I see her as a baby still. When I think of her, I think of her laughing and cooing with her daddy. Snuggling with him, close to him. I think of her cooing and snuggling with me, nursing, and content to be with her mommy. I imagine us as a family, alone enjoying our time together, taking walks, laying in bed just the three of us, in the morning before the day starts.
Sometimes when I think of her, I think of me still pregnant with her. That's when she was alive, moving around, kicking me. After she was born, she wasn't doing any of those, she lay on a bed in the NICU attached to many machines. So, I like to remember her when she was alive inside of me.
How did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancy?
Although I am not pregnant yet, we are trying again now. We want to get pregnant as soon as we can to help fill some of that hole left in our hearts when Moira left us. As my friend Trinity said to me the other night, "I don't think the hole will ever be filled, but I do think your heart will have an attachment that will act as a detour around the hole."
I have already made plans with my OB about what will happen with our next pregnancy. I have a consult appointment with a high risk OB. I will be watched even more carefully than I was with my pregnancy with Moira. I have already started on blood pressure medication to keep my BP within normal range now and when I am pregnant again. I will not go past 38 weeks either. My gut feeling tells me that whatever happened with Moira, her brain damage, happened in the last two weeks of my pregnancy. So, I refuse to go past that 38 week mark! If we can deliver at 37 weeks, than I will do it. I will also have a c-section. I had an emergency c-section after hours upon hours of labor with Moira. The whole experience was traumatic for both Dave and I. Although a c-section scares me, the thought of labor again scares me even more. I will have a c-section and bring my baby home alive and healthy.
Thanks for listening.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Then I came home after my appointment to relax for a bit and then had to take one of our cats to the vet. He needed his rabies shot and his eye was a little swollen. He had pink eye back in January and it was starting to look like it again. After that, came home and made a quick lunch for Dave and I. He was running home real quick from work to eat and then had to head back up there again for a curriculum meeting. I had a hair cut appointment at 2:45. I haven't had my hair cut since April and it was LONG! I didn't realize how long it was until after she had washed my hair and showed me where 2 inches would be. So, I decided to get 2 1/2 inches cut off and it's now just above my shoulders. She did some fancy layering to it to give it a little more body. I am so simple with my hair because I have a lot of hair, but it's so fine that it's hard to do much with it.
I love the place I get my hair cut at. It's this little salon owned by one woman. She uses all natural and organic hair products and it is so calming and relaxing when I go in there. Downstairs from her is a little store called Tip Top Country Store, http://www.tiptoponline.us/
It is such a great little store, lots of organic and natural products. We don't shop there a lot because it can get expensive, but I stopped in and got a few things that I really like. I like shopping there because it's a local, cool store.
So, overall a nice, fun day for me. :) Tomorrow my friend Angela and I are going to IKEA!! YAY!!! I am going to look for computer desks for our computer room. It's time to reorganize that room!!
Monday, July 27, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
I've got so much swirling around in my head these days. Trying to think of things I can do with my time. I think this week, if I can swing it, I am going to go to a local fabric store and take a sewing lesson. I have a beautiful sewing machine my mom bought for me a few years ago and I have no idea how to use it! My friend taught me how to use it when I first got it, but then it's been sitting in my closet now for years! I want to learn to sew and maybe learn to make things I can sell on the side for a little extra money. We'll see!!
Tonight we are going to dinner with some good friends of ours and then to the movies. We are going to eat at http://www.famousdaves.com/ and then going to see The Hangover. Should be fun. We love hanging out with these friends of ours. They are laid back, fun, and have been a wonderful support to us through everything!
My blood pressure was a little on the high side yesterday, but when I got up this morning, it was back down. So, not sure what's going on there.
That's about it for now! Thanks for listening!
Thursday, July 23, 2009
I don't have much to look forward to during the day other than the fact that Dave comes home from work around 12:30ish and we can have the rest of the day to do whatever together. I am really slacking on the house cleaning stuff and not really feeling like being much of a housewife either. I am focusing on getting healthy and getting ready for another baby, but that doesn't take much to do. Sigh....so what is my purpose? What should I be doing with my days? I don't know what to do. I am working on it. I guess I am just looking forward to the 2nd week of August when we will go to Cape Cod and be on vacation and Dave will be done with summer school and then he'll have 3 weeks off before school starts.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
So, we'll see where this brings me, but it gives me more hope towards a healthy pregnancy next time around.
Monday, July 20, 2009
I have been missing you a lot today, like I do everyday, but today I am in some sort of funk. I don't really want to get moving, but I need to do it. Mommy has a check up with her doctor today to see how I am doing with my blood pressure. I really want to get it under control so we can have a baby brother or sister for you. I wonder everyday why this had to happen to us. Why were you taken from daddy and I? What did we do? We love you so much and loved you before you were even conceived. We had so many plans for you this summer, so many things we wanted to do with you. Everyday I get up hoping that I will wake up from this awful nightmare and you are here with us, but I don't wake up from it I continue to be in this nightmare everyday. I wonder what you would look like now, would you be cooing at me, smiling, laughing. Sometimes I dwell on those thoughts, but then I have to stop myself because I know how sad they will make me. Some days getting through the day is so hard, and other days I forget where the day went. Your daddy is amazing and helps me get through the day, everyday. Sometimes he doesn't know that he does, but he does. Your daddy and I think of you everyday. We know you are in a better place where you are and you aren't in pain anymore and that makes us feel at peace, but it's also so hard for us to think of you there. Why aren't you here with us?
I am so bad at these things, but I felt the need to write you a letter today. To tell you how much I love you and miss you today and everyday. I get mad at myself some days because I forgot to think about you, but then I realize you are always present in my thoughts even if I don't always remember what they were. You are always in my heart and in my mind, you always will be no matter how old I am or how many more babies I have, you will always be my first sweet little angel.
I love you Miss Moira Mae. Please bless your daddy and I with another sweet baby to bring home and live with us here on Earth. We need you, but know we can't have you, so now we need a baby sister or brother to fill our empty arms and our empty house.
I love you with all of my heart,
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Hair Color: Dark Brown, almost black
Eye color: Blue/Grey/Green depending on what I am wearing!
Profession: Instructional Assistant for 8th graders, mother to an angel, wife to an amazing husband.
Relationship status: Married
Favorite color: Blue and Green
Favorite movie: The Goonies
Favorite animal: Cats and Turtles
Favorite store: Target, Old Navy
Favorite childhood memory: My brother and I making up our own Morse Code so we could talk to each other when we were supposed to be in bed!
Favorite hobby: yoga, taking pictures with my new camera, reading
Favorite song/singer: Barenaked Ladies, Angel by Sarah McLaughlin
Favorite book/author: To Kill a Mockingbird
Favorite school subject: Drama
Favorite vacation destination: Cape Cod, but I would love to go to Ireland
Favorite food: Macaroni and Cheese, yummy!
Favorite restaurant: Hmmm.....Red Robin maybe?? Howard's in the summer, great seafood place by us.
This or That
Coke or pepsi : Cherry Coke
Beer or wine: Both on occasion
Coffee or tea: Coffee
Apple Juice or O.J.: OJ
Summer or Winter: Summer
Cats or dogs: Cats
Salty or sweet: Both, together!!
Plane or boat: Plane
Morning or night: Night
Money or love: Love
Breakfast or dinner: Hmm....both!! I love to make breakfast and I love my husband's dinners!
Forgiveness or revenge: Forgiveness
House or apartment: My house, I love it!!
Like to cook: with my husband.
Have You Ever:
Got a speeding ticket: No
Wished you were someone else: In certain points of my life, yes.
Cried during a movie: Yes
Describe yourself in one word: Cheerful
Biggest fear: Getting pregnant again and losing that baby too.
Biggest mistake: Hmm....can't think of one right now.
Your proudest accomplishment: My baby Moira and buying our house.
Dream job: Stay at home mommy to a baby on Earth.
Special talents: Playing with kids!! :)
Where would you rather be at the moment: With my baby here at home. Also, on Cape Cod on the beach!
Famous person you want to meet: OH, Will Smith!! I have always wanted to meet him!
Song to be played at your funeral: Angel by Sarah McLaughlin, it was played at my daughter's memorial service. I love that song.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Next vacation is Cape Cod in August! Whoo hoo!! Can't wait for that either.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
I was so happy to come home from our little mini vacation in New Hampshire with Dave's family to find that Moira's name had been done in the sand finally!! I have been waiting a few weeks for it now and I was so excited to see it.
Here is the link to the original posting.
It's beautiful and I love it!
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
We also met with the fertility doctor, although it was sad we were back there, it also was hopeful. I had blood work done today. I will get the results tomorrow. She will be able to tell me if I have already ovulated. If I haven't ovulated yet, she gave me a prescription to start medication that will force a period for me. If I have ovulated, than we need to wait for a period. Once I get my period in August, I will call the office and we will begin starting the Clomid, IUI, etc. Dave and I decided not to try on our own in August. We want me to get healthy, i.e. lose some more weight and work on my blood pressure first. I would like to lose about 10 pounds in the next few months, not sure if it's possible, but I will try! Then we'll start treatments in the fall. He is just very concerned about my BP and me too, so we want that under control first. We are working on it. I see my primary care doctor on the 20th to check in and see what the next step is! YAY!
OK, so there is my good news for the day. Dave's new position at work, he will still be teaching, this will be extra and on top of his teaching duties. I will explain more once he says it's OK too. YAY!!
Monday, July 6, 2009
I do want to be pregnant again, I do want to have another baby, one that we can bring home and love forever. I am praying that tomorrow brings us more hope on our road to healing. I am planning to ask her for meds to start my period. It hasn't started yet and I want to get it started so we can start trying again for another baby soon.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Anyway, now we are going to do the bowling again. That's fun too. I love it!! I love our XBOX 360 too, it can do a whole lot more, but this is fun and easy for me. I have horrible eye hand coordination, so the Wii is totally easy for me!!
My Mom is a Survivor
My Mom is a survivor,
or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night
when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach
that never wash away ...
I watch over my surviving Mom
who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others ...
a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door
I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My Mom tries to cope with death;
To keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows
it is her way to survive.
as I watch over my surviving Mom
through Heaven's open door ...
I try to tell her that angels
protect me forevermore!
I know that doesn't help her,
or ease the burden she bears.
So, if you get a chance, go visit her.
Show her that you care.
for no matter what she says ...
no matter what she feels.
My surviving Mom has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal.
My Dad is a Survivor
My dad is a survivor too
which is no surprise to me.
He's always been like a lighthouse
that helps you cross a stormy sea.
But, I walk with my dad each day
to lift him when he's down.
I wipe the tears he hides from others;
He cries when no one's around.
I watch him sit up late at night
with my picture in his hand.
He cries as he tries to grieve alone,
and wishes he could understand.
My dad is like a tower of strength.
He's the greatest of them all!
But, there are times when he needs to cry...
Please be there when he falls.
Hold his hand or pat his shoulder...
And tell him it's okay.
Be his strength when he's sad,
Help him mourn in his own way.
Now, as I watch over my precious dad
from the Heavens up above...
I'm so proud that he's a survivor...
And, I can still feel his love.