Sunday, March 14, 2010

25 week growth ultrasound

I had my growth ultrasound yesterday at 25 weeks! Charlotte is about 1lb 13 oz right now and she is growing just fine! Everything looks good, she was practice breathing already. We saw her open and shut her hand, take a little drink and swallow, and of course move around some. It was probably one of the best ultrasounds I've had!! My friend Karen came with me and she loved it so much! She has never really seen a good ultrasound. She had them with her kids, but they are nothing like they were. The tech. tried a 3D image, but it's still kind of early and Baby C had her hand in front of her face at that point. She did look pretty cute though!! I can't quite tell who she looks like yet. When we had one at 36 weeks with Moira, we could tell right away she looked like Dave.
My OB said that in April we can schedule the C-section for June 4th, just in case I can deliver that day. She said she already has it blocked off for that day so that nothing else gets scheduled! How awesome is she?? If we can't deliver that day, then we'll just have to wait and see what my numbers are for the amnio, etc. We won't deliver any later than June 11th though!! I did tell her that if we have to go past the 4th, that I know myself and I know that I am going to start to get anxious and panic some. She totally understands, so we are hoping for the best! I will see the high risk OB at 32 weeks, around April 30th and we'll get some more confirmation from her.
Alright, that's it from here for now. I'll do a better update soon. I just wanted to post these pictures!!

Sunday, March 7, 2010

24 weeks 2 days

Viability! If something were to happen, little Charlotte's chances of living are increasing day by day. Not that I am expecting anything to happen, but you just never know these days. Look at Michelle Duggar and her little girl Josie. I'm feeling good, tired. I think I am more tired this time around, but I guess back to back pregnancies will do that. I am starting to get anxious about getting the house cleaned up and organized. We really let it go after Moira died, so now that we know Charlotte will be here in 3 months, I really want to get it organized!! That would be the nesting instinct settling in for the long haul. Charlotte has been moving more and more. I think I am feeling hiccups too, which I was never quite sure if I felt them with Moira. Baby C really likes to kick mommy's bladder too, which results in more trips to the bathroom.
The other night I was laying in bed watching TV with Dave and I was feeling Charlotte move around. I got the strongest, most overwhelming feeling that everything was going to be OK. I was a little scared and I almost cried, but I just knew it was going to be OK. We are going to bring her home. I already feel like she is more active then Moira, but maybe I just notice more because I know what I am looking for. I don't know......
Spring is in the air around here. The last two days we have opened up our windows and let the house air out. The dusty, yuckiness of winter is leaving the house!! I love when we can open the windows in the house! I hate when it gets too hot to do that and we shut things up and turn on the air! We've done a little cleaning up this weekend. Organized our clothes closet in the computer room, went through stuff we didn't want, and cleaned up all the junk that was accumulating there. Next weekend we work on the guest room. Both rooms had become a catch all for our junk. The guest room needs to have things moved down to our basement to storage and then just cleaned up and aired out! That could take a day or two, we'll see!! I also want to start organizing some things in the nursery, but I think about it and then I feel anxious about it. I think I am a little afraid to really make it Charlotte's nursery, but I know that I need to. I am planning to take away a couple of things and add a few things to make it hers. I still have time, but I also really want to get working on it too. My mom is going to buy me a few things at IKEA to add to the room that match our theme. I can't wait to get them!! My parents will bring them out when they come for Charlotte's arrival!

OK here I am today at 24 weeks 2 days

And just for comparison sake, here I am at 25 weeks 1 day pregnant with Moira.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Life, Love, and Happiness

I woke up in the middle of the night sometime and this blog post was going over and over in my head. I wasn't sure what I would write exactly, but the name of the post was the first thing I thought of when I woke up.

Life: My life has been so up and down these past few years. In general, Dave and I have had lots of ups and downs in our marriage, but I think the last 2 years have been the worst we have ever experienced. First off suffering from unknown infertility. Trying for over a year to get pregnant and then finally getting pregnant, only to lose our most cherished daughter soon after birth. Then getting pregnant again almost 5 months later and enduring a high risk pregnancy. Sometimes life sucks, it really does. Life throws you for a loop, you go about your life expecting certain things to happen, and then BAM it doesn't go the way you expected it to go. It just sucks and it's so unfair. Now I feel like I sometimes live my life sort of jaded. I may not always be the optimistic person I used to be because somewhere deep down, I know you can't always count on a good outcome of life.

Love: I am more in love with my husband today then I have ever been. He is my rock, my love, my best friend. He is an amazing man who has helped me gain more strength and courage then I have ever thought I could have. I also have to credit Moira for some of the strength and courage as well. I never thought I had it in me, I never thought I could make some of the decisions I have made until she came along. I love her more than life itself and I wish she could be here. If she were here, we wouldn't be expecting Charlotte, but we are expecting her and maybe that's how it's supposed to be. It's weird how that works sometimes. I also never thought in a million years I could love a person as much as I love my daughter and daughter to be. I have so much love for them. I also never thought I could love my husband more everyday. I thought I loved him very much, but it just keeps growing. Love is definitely a good thing to have in your life. I don't know what I would do without it!

Happiness: Sometimes I wonder, "Am I really happy?" How can I be happy? My greatest treasure was taken away from me. One of the happiest days of my life was the day I married Dave. We have had a wonderful marriage and he makes me happy everyday. The next happiest day of my life, was the day we found out we were pregnant, and then after that was the day we found out we were having a girl. It all came crashing down the day she was born and we found out she wasn't going to live. How could I ever be happy again? What would make me happy again? Having her in my life, that would make me happy. I know that's not possible. She is in a better place where she isn't in any pain and I hope that my Grandma is taking care of her. When would I be happy again? When I meet Moira in heaven? Would I ever feel that happiness again? Well, the day we found out I was pregnant with Charlotte and the day we found she is a girl. My smile came back, but I just haven't been completely happy. My happiness is somewhat jaded, there are all of these questions and worries surrounding this pregnancy. Will it happen again? Am I doing something wrong? Did I do something wrong before? What can I change? Will we be able to bring Charlotte home? Will our hearts heal just a little? Will the smile and the happiness come back to our lives again? There are just so many unanswered questions.
I try everyday to enjoy this pregnancy, but there are some days that it's so hard. I get so scared and all I want is for this pregnancy to be over so we can have Charlotte here with us. I try not to let those scary days over power me and get in the way. I try to have more happy days and enjoy every little kick and jab, but sometimes I just want to crawl into bed and forget any of this ever happened.