Thursday, June 25, 2009

Something I found.....

Here is something I found on another loss mama's blog and I really like it. I wanted to share it with all of you here and it's also on the side bar of my blog.

20 Things Parents of Angels Wish You Would Remember...

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never saw my baby doesn't mean she doesn't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my baby. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten her and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my baby. The truth is I love my baby and need to talk about her.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside me.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act.

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing my baby doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.

12. I wish you wouldn't think that my baby wasn't really a baby and it was blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby was a human life. She had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and a face. I have seen my baby's body and face. My baby was a real person.

13. My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby died and the day I lost my baby are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me-maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace Moira. Babies aren't interchangeable. Besides, you may not know that we have had fertility problems in the past.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that it's natures way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect to me no matter what you think nature is saying.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?

Borrowed from


Debbie said...

#11. Alison, I actually had one of my *best* friends tell me after Sophie died that I "needed to take a few days and grieve and then move on." WHAT?

I say this to every mom I ever come across that this happens to, but NO ONE understands what this is like except a fellow babyloss momma. No one. People can pretend to understand, but truth is, they just don't get it. We lost everything. Hopes. Dreams. Future. Smiles. First steps. That first "look"-- the real one where baby really recognizes you. We didn't get any of that.

It isn't something you "just get over."

I'm sorry, don't mean to go on about it, but this one thing just really rubs me the wrong way.

Alison said...

Oh Debbie, that's awful that someone would say that!! Especially someone who is supposed to be your best friend. That's horrible!! There is no way I or anyone who has gone through this is just going to "get over it!" AHHH!! That is so horrible.
Thanks Debbie for all of your support!

Kat said...

i found your blog tonight googling rainbow babies, and found this list and 13 is really important to me right now.

"13. My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby died and the day I lost my baby are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days."

I was pregnant with a little girl, Zoey McKenzie, and everything seemed great, i suddenly lost my plug at 22 weeks 0 days and when got to L&D i was already 6-7 cms and for 5 days we tried to stop labor, but infection set in when water started leaking, more so once it broke and Zoey's head was already in birth canal for about day before we finally made call to induce once her heart beat wasnt found. She was born at 22 weeks 4 days on Halloween 2010 at 1lb 8 oz 11.5 inchs and ALIVE! she had very low heartrate but she was alive but dr couldnt do anything for baby that small, so she lived 20 minutes, fighting entire time in my arms. Her due date would have been 3/2/11 and thats 23 hours from now (when writing it) and it just hit a cord so well and i posted that one and entire list on my facebook for everyone to read.