Sorry I haven't been around much. My life seems to be crazy and yet when I get home I haven't had much to do. Work is crazy and I love it. I can say I truly love my job. I love the people I work with and the kids I have. I am happy to get up every morning and go to work. I don't think I have felt that, ever! I have always liked my previous jobs, but there was always something about each one that made it hard to get up and go. Usually it had something to do with the commute. My commute now is the shortest it has ever been, 15 minutes!
Anyway, I have been dealing with a lot of feelings. Grief, being overwhelmed, anxiety, etc. I am so lucky to have so many wonderful, supportive people in my life. My friend Karen, who I used to nanny for, has been my saving grace! She is wonderful!! She was amazing and so helpful to us while we were in the hospital and she has also just been a supportive friend. I always feel so much better after talking with her. She's sort of like a big sister I guess. I think that's the best way to describe her. I know that I will always have a home at their house.
We also have some wonderful close friends who we hang out with a lot and they too have been so supportive to us.
It's also amazing to me that there are so many people rooting for us and hoping we get pregnant soon and have a baby to keep forever.
That being said, I have been struggling. Struggling to find my place in this world. I have a wonderful husband, a great job, and amazing friends. What more can I ask for? I am sure all of you loss mamas out there know what my answer to that question is, a baby. That's all I ask for. Would I prefer to have Moira? Hell yes! (sorry for the language) Yes, I would much rather have my Moira here with us, but she isn't. She is in heaven, safe and playing with her new friends. She isn't in pain anymore and I know deep down in my heart that she is in a better place.
Even though I know that, I still struggle some days with the "what if's." I know I can't do that because it isn't healthy for me, but there are just some days that I am overwhelmed by this hole in my heart. So with all of this, I finally went to my doctor and asked for some help. I haven't told many people about this, but I guess you could say that I have been suffering from post-postpartum depression in the last month or so. Who wouldn't, right? After everything I have been through, I am not surprised. I think once the summer was winding down and things were getting back to normal, is when everything really started to set in and my grief and anxiety was so much more overwhelming. My doctor decided to start me on a low dose of meds. to help me out some. I have been on them for a little over 2 weeks and I have to say I am feeling better. I am still sad, but I feel more like myself. I know I will never be completely the same Alison I was before Moira, but I feel like I can function a little better. Dave has noticed a difference as well and we aren't as snappy with each other as we were a few weeks ago.
Anyway, some of you may be wondering, why am I sharing this on a public blog for everyone to see??? :o) I want to share my story so that other loss mamas know they are not alone and that it's OK to be feeling this way. My doctor told me I was taking all of the right steps. I was at first in denial, but then when I started to recognize what was going on and Dave was talking to me about everything, I knew I needed to do something. I also want anyone else out there who isn't a loss mama to know. Know what it is we really go through. I would never wish this on anyone, but I want people to know how I feel. I also want everyone to know it's OK to talk to me about Moira and about what happened and what I am going through. I NEED to talk about all of that. If I keep this all bottled up inside of me, I think I would go crazy!!!
Anyway, that's kind of what has been going on with me the last few weeks and why I haven't been around much. I have a few little projects I am working on and also enjoying spending time with Dave. We have been playing our new Wii Resort game a lot lately and having tons of fun together!
3 comments:
I think it is wonderful to be blatantly honest, even when it comes to the ugly stuff. I am glad you found something that has helped. We all go through this depression and I am hoping it passes and gets lighter. Some days are definitely harder than others.
I know what you mean about talking about Moira Mae. I LOVE talking about my Jenna Belle, and I could do it all day if people would let me. =)
Love to the sky
I've been missing your posts Alison. I'm glad to jump on here and see how you have been feeling even though your feelings are often sad. I'm always thinking of you and praying for a rainbow baby for you very soon. I hope the meds continue to work for you and you can have more happy days than bad days. If you ever want to chat, I am always here to listen. (((Hugs)))
Thank you for being honest. It is something we all need. It is hard to feel like you are the only one. I sometimes feel like I need somethinb but am afraid to go there. I am glad it is working for you.
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