Well hello there!!

Sorry I haven't been around much. My life seems to be crazy and yet when I get home I haven't had much to do. Work is crazy and I love it. I can say I truly love my job. I love the people I work with and the kids I have. I am happy to get up every morning and go to work. I don't think I have felt that, ever! I have always liked my previous jobs, but there was always something about each one that made it hard to get up and go. Usually it had something to do with the commute. My commute now is the shortest it has ever been, 15 minutes!

Anyway, I have been dealing with a lot of feelings. Grief, being overwhelmed, anxiety, etc. I am so lucky to have so many wonderful, supportive people in my life. My friend Karen, who I used to nanny for, has been my saving grace! She is wonderful!! She was amazing and so helpful to us while we were in the hospital and she has also just been a supportive friend. I always feel so much better after talking with her. She's sort of like a big sister I guess. I think that's the best way to describe her. I know that I will always have a home at their house.
We also have some wonderful close friends who we hang out with a lot and they too have been so supportive to us.
It's also amazing to me that there are so many people rooting for us and hoping we get pregnant soon and have a baby to keep forever.
That being said, I have been struggling. Struggling to find my place in this world. I have a wonderful husband, a great job, and amazing friends. What more can I ask for? I am sure all of you loss mamas out there know what my answer to that question is, a baby. That's all I ask for. Would I prefer to have Moira? Hell yes! (sorry for the language) Yes, I would much rather have my Moira here with us, but she isn't. She is in heaven, safe and playing with her new friends. She isn't in pain anymore and I know deep down in my heart that she is in a better place.
Even though I know that, I still struggle some days with the "what if's." I know I can't do that because it isn't healthy for me, but there are just some days that I am overwhelmed by this hole in my heart. So with all of this, I finally went to my doctor and asked for some help. I haven't told many people about this, but I guess you could say that I have been suffering from post-postpartum depression in the last month or so. Who wouldn't, right? After everything I have been through, I am not surprised. I think once the summer was winding down and things were getting back to normal, is when everything really started to set in and my grief and anxiety was so much more overwhelming. My doctor decided to start me on a low dose of meds. to help me out some. I have been on them for a little over 2 weeks and I have to say I am feeling better. I am still sad, but I feel more like myself. I know I will never be completely the same Alison I was before Moira, but I feel like I can function a little better. Dave has noticed a difference as well and we aren't as snappy with each other as we were a few weeks ago.
Anyway, some of you may be wondering, why am I sharing this on a public blog for everyone to see??? :o) I want to share my story so that other loss mamas know they are not alone and that it's OK to be feeling this way. My doctor told me I was taking all of the right steps. I was at first in denial, but then when I started to recognize what was going on and Dave was talking to me about everything, I knew I needed to do something. I also want anyone else out there who isn't a loss mama to know. Know what it is we really go through. I would never wish this on anyone, but I want people to know how I feel. I also want everyone to know it's OK to talk to me about Moira and about what happened and what I am going through. I NEED to talk about all of that. If I keep this all bottled up inside of me, I think I would go crazy!!!
Anyway, that's kind of what has been going on with me the last few weeks and why I haven't been around much. I have a few little projects I am working on and also enjoying spending time with Dave. We have been playing our new Wii Resort game a lot lately and having tons of fun together!

Mixed emotions

So, I have mixed emotions about starting work again next week. I haven't actually worked since my last day of work on April 17th. The following week was our April vacation and so I decided not to go back to work after vacation because it would only be 2 weeks before Moira's due date.
Last year when I was getting ready to start work, it was a new job, a new school year, and I was pregnant with Moira. I had so many hopes and dreams and was so excited and happy. Little did I know what the end of the school year would bring. This year I will be starting that same job with new students, same co-workers, no baby, and I am not pregnant yet. I have no baby to show for my school year long pregnancy and my maternity leave. I am feeling so overwhelmed and anxious!
Luckily I have an amazing boss, she is the special education department head and the supervisor of us instructional aides. Anyway, I e-mailed her today and asked if I could come in for a visit if she was going to be in this week. I explained to her that I am feeling overwhelmed and anxious about the start of the school year and I would love to just chat with her and hopefully help ease some of my anxiety. She, of course, said yes! I am going in tomorrow morning for a little while to visit her and will hopefully feel a little better about the start of the school year on Monday. Actually the students don't report until Tuesday and we have Friday off for a long Labor Day weekend. So, it will be a 3 day week with the students and a 4 day work week for the teachers, etc. I'm feeling a little better now!