Happy 1st Birthday to my sweet angel

Happy Birthday to my sweet Moira Mae. Daddy and Mommy love you and miss you everyday and I hope you will continue to keep watch over your baby sister.

Life, Love, and Happiness

I woke up in the middle of the night sometime and this blog post was going over and over in my head. I wasn't sure what I would write exactly, but the name of the post was the first thing I thought of when I woke up.

Life: My life has been so up and down these past few years. In general, Dave and I have had lots of ups and downs in our marriage, but I think the last 2 years have been the worst we have ever experienced. First off suffering from unknown infertility. Trying for over a year to get pregnant and then finally getting pregnant, only to lose our most cherished daughter soon after birth. Then getting pregnant again almost 5 months later and enduring a high risk pregnancy. Sometimes life sucks, it really does. Life throws you for a loop, you go about your life expecting certain things to happen, and then BAM it doesn't go the way you expected it to go. It just sucks and it's so unfair. Now I feel like I sometimes live my life sort of jaded. I may not always be the optimistic person I used to be because somewhere deep down, I know you can't always count on a good outcome of life.

Love: I am more in love with my husband today then I have ever been. He is my rock, my love, my best friend. He is an amazing man who has helped me gain more strength and courage then I have ever thought I could have. I also have to credit Moira for some of the strength and courage as well. I never thought I had it in me, I never thought I could make some of the decisions I have made until she came along. I love her more than life itself and I wish she could be here. If she were here, we wouldn't be expecting Charlotte, but we are expecting her and maybe that's how it's supposed to be. It's weird how that works sometimes. I also never thought in a million years I could love a person as much as I love my daughter and daughter to be. I have so much love for them. I also never thought I could love my husband more everyday. I thought I loved him very much, but it just keeps growing. Love is definitely a good thing to have in your life. I don't know what I would do without it!

Happiness: Sometimes I wonder, "Am I really happy?" How can I be happy? My greatest treasure was taken away from me. One of the happiest days of my life was the day I married Dave. We have had a wonderful marriage and he makes me happy everyday. The next happiest day of my life, was the day we found out we were pregnant, and then after that was the day we found out we were having a girl. It all came crashing down the day she was born and we found out she wasn't going to live. How could I ever be happy again? What would make me happy again? Having her in my life, that would make me happy. I know that's not possible. She is in a better place where she isn't in any pain and I hope that my Grandma is taking care of her. When would I be happy again? When I meet Moira in heaven? Would I ever feel that happiness again? Well, the day we found out I was pregnant with Charlotte and the day we found she is a girl. My smile came back, but I just haven't been completely happy. My happiness is somewhat jaded, there are all of these questions and worries surrounding this pregnancy. Will it happen again? Am I doing something wrong? Did I do something wrong before? What can I change? Will we be able to bring Charlotte home? Will our hearts heal just a little? Will the smile and the happiness come back to our lives again? There are just so many unanswered questions.
I try everyday to enjoy this pregnancy, but there are some days that it's so hard. I get so scared and all I want is for this pregnancy to be over so we can have Charlotte here with us. I try not to let those scary days over power me and get in the way. I try to have more happy days and enjoy every little kick and jab, but sometimes I just want to crawl into bed and forget any of this ever happened.

Christmas.....Bah Humbug?

So, there is this commercial on TV that I just HATE right now. It's a commercial for a local jewelery store. It's this woman rocking her baby girl in front of the Christmas tree and her husband comes downstairs. She says it's 2am and the baby just fell asleep. The dad says something along the lines of "It's 2am on our first Christmas together as a family." ***CRIES*** It makes me want to scream! That's supposed to be Dave and I and Moira and it's not us. It will NOT be us this year. I want to throw something at the TV whenever that commercial comes on. I mean, we do have a lot to be happy about this Christmas and a lot to be sad about as well. We are expecting a new baby, but we are also mourning the loss of our daughter who should be here with us. I am having a really hard time getting into the Christmas spirit this year.
Anyway, there we have it. Moira is never far from my thoughts. I think of her everyday. I think of holding her, smelling her, and just feeling her in my arms, wishing I could hold her again, but this time never let go. This new baby is a blessing for us, a way for us to heal and to maybe fill a little bit of the hole left behind after Moira died, but this baby won't be replacement for Moira. Nothing or noone will ever replace our first born daughter. We are looking to the future now and trying to think about this baby and take everything one day at a time, but also never forgetting our sweet angel.

Special Announcement!

Well, my husband Dave and I are so happy to announce that we are expecting our Rainbow Baby! We are both so excited and still can't believe it! I will be 10 weeks on Monday and I am due June 28, 2010. I will be watched very closely, including weekly ultrasounds starting at 28 weeks and then starting at 32 weeks I'll start going in twice a week. We are hoping for a c-section at 37 weeks, but still have to talk to the high risk OB about that. We already know that I will NOT go past 38 weeks.
I am scared, nervous, excited, happy all rolled into one. My blood pressure has been great, so I am not too worried about that! I had my first OB appointment on Wednesday and everything was great! We were there for an hour and a half with the nurse and then with my OB. The nurse is my favorite nurse practitioner and she even gave us a peek at the little peanut! Since it was too early to hear the heartbeat on the doppler, she rolled in their portable ultrasound machine. It was so great!!
So, here I am pregnant after a full-term loss and scared out of my mind, as well as so incredibly excited.

Below is my ultrasound from
7 weeks 2 days!

6 months

6 months ago today my Moira was born and my life changed forever. I miss her everyday and this pain sucks! I have been feeling a little more like myself these days, I feel like I can function a little more. Things are getting done around the house, slowly, but they are. There was a point a few months ago, that I felt like I couldn't function. I could make it through the work day, but when I got home, I would just go to my dark place. A place where I didn't have to think about daily things.
Now, Dave and I are stronger than we have ever been. I have met some amazing woman who have supported me through such a dark time in my life. I also have amazing and wonderful friends who have been there for me as well. My life will never be the same again, I will always have a hole in my heart that should be filled by Moira, but I know she is in a place where she isn't in pain anymore, and she is safe.
Hopefully we'll have a rainbow baby soon to fill that hole in our hearts just a little bit. No baby will ever replace Moira, but will help us to feel a little more whole.

Your daddy and I love you Moira with all of our hearts. We love you and miss you everyday that you aren't here with us and we will always, always, love you.

Well hello there!!

Sorry I haven't been around much. My life seems to be crazy and yet when I get home I haven't had much to do. Work is crazy and I love it. I can say I truly love my job. I love the people I work with and the kids I have. I am happy to get up every morning and go to work. I don't think I have felt that, ever! I have always liked my previous jobs, but there was always something about each one that made it hard to get up and go. Usually it had something to do with the commute. My commute now is the shortest it has ever been, 15 minutes!

Anyway, I have been dealing with a lot of feelings. Grief, being overwhelmed, anxiety, etc. I am so lucky to have so many wonderful, supportive people in my life. My friend Karen, who I used to nanny for, has been my saving grace! She is wonderful!! She was amazing and so helpful to us while we were in the hospital and she has also just been a supportive friend. I always feel so much better after talking with her. She's sort of like a big sister I guess. I think that's the best way to describe her. I know that I will always have a home at their house.
We also have some wonderful close friends who we hang out with a lot and they too have been so supportive to us.
It's also amazing to me that there are so many people rooting for us and hoping we get pregnant soon and have a baby to keep forever.
That being said, I have been struggling. Struggling to find my place in this world. I have a wonderful husband, a great job, and amazing friends. What more can I ask for? I am sure all of you loss mamas out there know what my answer to that question is, a baby. That's all I ask for. Would I prefer to have Moira? Hell yes! (sorry for the language) Yes, I would much rather have my Moira here with us, but she isn't. She is in heaven, safe and playing with her new friends. She isn't in pain anymore and I know deep down in my heart that she is in a better place.
Even though I know that, I still struggle some days with the "what if's." I know I can't do that because it isn't healthy for me, but there are just some days that I am overwhelmed by this hole in my heart. So with all of this, I finally went to my doctor and asked for some help. I haven't told many people about this, but I guess you could say that I have been suffering from post-postpartum depression in the last month or so. Who wouldn't, right? After everything I have been through, I am not surprised. I think once the summer was winding down and things were getting back to normal, is when everything really started to set in and my grief and anxiety was so much more overwhelming. My doctor decided to start me on a low dose of meds. to help me out some. I have been on them for a little over 2 weeks and I have to say I am feeling better. I am still sad, but I feel more like myself. I know I will never be completely the same Alison I was before Moira, but I feel like I can function a little better. Dave has noticed a difference as well and we aren't as snappy with each other as we were a few weeks ago.
Anyway, some of you may be wondering, why am I sharing this on a public blog for everyone to see??? :o) I want to share my story so that other loss mamas know they are not alone and that it's OK to be feeling this way. My doctor told me I was taking all of the right steps. I was at first in denial, but then when I started to recognize what was going on and Dave was talking to me about everything, I knew I needed to do something. I also want anyone else out there who isn't a loss mama to know. Know what it is we really go through. I would never wish this on anyone, but I want people to know how I feel. I also want everyone to know it's OK to talk to me about Moira and about what happened and what I am going through. I NEED to talk about all of that. If I keep this all bottled up inside of me, I think I would go crazy!!!
Anyway, that's kind of what has been going on with me the last few weeks and why I haven't been around much. I have a few little projects I am working on and also enjoying spending time with Dave. We have been playing our new Wii Resort game a lot lately and having tons of fun together!

My baby "got sick and passed away......."

Hello everyone!!
Sorry I haven't updated in awhile. I am just so tired when I get home from work and the last thing I feel like doing is blogging. :( I loved doing it all summer, but now just my comfy clothes and my bed call out to me.
My days are filled with classes and running around the school with different errands and such to do. Copies to make, folders to organize, and kids to help out! This week I had a 7th grader ask me if I had any kids, well of course I had to tell her. I have a picture of Moira sitting on my desk and this girl will be in my classroom 4 days a week. So, I told the student that I had a little baby who got sick and passed away. Sigh.....she was so sweet. Then today I had an 8th grader who knew me last year from another class, but she didn't know what happened to Moira. Most of the 7th graders last year who I would of had encounters with in certain classrooms were told. This one wasn't told. She wasn't in a class that I would have subbed in or helped out in. She was in a study hall with the woman I shared a classroom with last year. So, she asked me if I had a boy or a girl. I told her that actually my baby got sick and passed away. So, that is my token answer for any of the kids. That is what they told the kids last year, that Moira "got sick and passed away."
I hate to say that, I hate that I had a baby who got sick and died! A baby I longed for and wanted for so long. A baby I planned for and loved from the minute we knew we were pregnant with. All I have left of her is her ashes sitting on a shelf and her hair in my locket. My baby got sick and passed away. It's just not fair! I WANT MY BABY HERE WITH ME!!! Why don't I get to have my baby here??? Sigh......
Anyway, that's been my week. I promise to try and update a little more, but nothing super exciting is going on with me.
I am excited that next weekend I get to meet some loss mamas for the first time IRL, all who have had their rainbow babies as well. They have been a wonderful support for me from the beginning. Debbie, Jen, and Maria, I can't wait to see you ladies and have a nice weekend!

Yes, I have a daughter.

So today I had to go back to the dentist to get fitted for a night guard. I am finally taking the plunge and getting one. This dentist office I go to is much more affordable than previous dentist offices. My teeth are so worn down from me clenching them for so many years. Anyway, I went in this afternoon and the hygienist was really sweet, asking me if we had been on any vacations yet this summer. I said we had just gotten back from Cape Cod. She then proceeded to ask me if I had any kids and I, without thinking, said "no." She was like, "Oh, so just you and your husband, that must be nice." Inside I am screaming at myself. YES, I DO HAVE A CHILD. I have a beautiful daughter that isn't with me anymore. She's an angel up in heaven. I am sitting there in the chair, yelling at myself in my head. Finally, I looked at the hygienist and said "Actually, I do have a baby who I lost a few months ago. She was full term and she had brain damage when she was born." She was so sad for me, said I am sorry and I said "Thank you." She asked me how long ago and then later she said she was sorry for upsetting me. I told her she didn't, I just didn't know what to say when she asked. She was sweet and then asked me, "How are you doing?" So now I have been totally off all day. So mad at myself for not remembering my daughter and saying right away that, "No, I don't have kids." It was just easier to say than to say that I do and then to get that look. I know you all know that look I am talking about. I have played that scenario over and over in my head so many times. What I would say if someone asked me if I had any kids. I would always say in my head, "Yes, I have a daughter who passed away soon after birth due to brain damage." It's always playing in my head when we go somewhere that no one knows us or knows what we have been through. When I was there today, it took me by surprise. I didn't think anyone would ask me.

Sigh......Oh my dear Moira Mae, I love you more than anything in the world and I am so sorry for my stupid mistake today. Everyday you are in my thoughts and everyday I miss you and love you.

Anniversary

9 years ago today I married my best friend, my lover, my husband. I can't believe it's been 9 years. We have had our ups and downs and at one point we almost didn't make it, but we are stronger now than we have ever been. We have our moments like in any marriage, but at the end of the day, we come home to each other and we sleep in the same bed, and love each other more than ever! Sometimes I feel frustrated that we have no living children to show for our 9 years of marriage. I know we have Moira, but I wish she was here with us and we had her to show for everything that we have been through in our 9 years together. Sigh.....I know our day will come and we will have more children, but right now it's a little bittersweet.


***I promise I will update later about our high risk OB appointment on Monday. The internet connection here at the Cape is crappy and I don't want to stay on too long because I am getting annoyed! ***