Thursday, December 31, 2009

See ya later 2009 and don't come back!!!

I am so glad that we are in the last few hours of 2009. It started out as a wonderful year. We were expecting our first baby and we were so excited. Then that fateful day came, May 8, 2009. It sucked. We found out our baby was born with severe brain damage and she wouldn't live.
As we are about to embark on a new year, I am feeling hopeful. Still a little sad, but hopeful. Since Moira's passing, I have battled with post-partum depression, I mean who wouldn't after the hell I went through? I have met some amazing women who have helped my heart to heal some. I got my blood pressure under control and my PPD as well. I have grown closer to my wonderful husband and we have really been there for each other. I have grown closer to some friends and also haven't spoken to friends since Moira's death. I have gotten used to a new me. It's not a better me, but a new me. The me after my baby died. I have gotten over the fear of my new niece and embraced her with open arms. She has become a big part of my healing as well. She is the most amazing little girl. She probably will never really know how much she helped her auntie and uncle. Then in October we found our rainbow. We were pregnant again. The emotions were running wild. Our world was going to be changed again. More appointments, more worries, more excitement. Everything is going well though! Sometimes I feel guilty because all I had of Moira was my pregnancy with her and now I am sharing those only moments with another child. A child who will hopefully heal our heart just a little more. How can I be so happy, but also feel so guilty?
2010, I feel like it's going to be a good year. I mean, it has to be a good year after the hell we have been through, right??? Why would the universe do that to us again?
Welcome 2010 and please, please bring us the hope and healing that we need!

5 comments:

{melissa} said...

amen to that Alison. Such an eloquent post.

Don't ever feel guilty. I bet Moira helped pick out her new brother or sister to send to you;-)

Sending you love and prayers!

Prather Family said...

You have been through so much this year Alison. I pray for a much better 2010 and some healing to your heart. Thinking of you Always...

-T said...

We can't help but be fortunate to have loved, learned, and lived through another year...but in 2009we did suffer some great losses. Here is to you & Dave on the eve of 2010, wishing you a bright & sunny year with only memories of the clouds that haunted you in 2009.

Amanda said...

I am just passing by, but I wanted to wish you all the best for your new pregnancy. I hope that some of your wishes and dreams that you lost when Moira Passed wil return for you. Moira will always be at your side and will love her new little brother or sister like no other.

Wishing you a better year for 2010.

Elizabeth said...

I think its normal to feel guilty about being happy but that will eventually change as you realize you have nothing to be guilty about. *hugs*