I woke up in the middle of the night sometime and this blog post was going over and over in my head. I wasn't sure what I would write exactly, but the name of the post was the first thing I thought of when I woke up.
Life: My life has been so up and down these past few years. In general, Dave and I have had lots of ups and downs in our marriage, but I think the last 2 years have been the worst we have ever experienced. First off suffering from unknown infertility. Trying for over a year to get pregnant and then finally getting pregnant, only to lose our most cherished daughter soon after birth. Then getting pregnant again almost 5 months later and enduring a high risk pregnancy. Sometimes life sucks, it really does. Life throws you for a loop, you go about your life expecting certain things to happen, and then BAM it doesn't go the way you expected it to go. It just sucks and it's so unfair. Now I feel like I sometimes live my life sort of jaded. I may not always be the optimistic person I used to be because somewhere deep down, I know you can't always count on a good outcome of life.
Love: I am more in love with my husband today then I have ever been. He is my rock, my love, my best friend. He is an amazing man who has helped me gain more strength and courage then I have ever thought I could have. I also have to credit Moira for some of the strength and courage as well. I never thought I had it in me, I never thought I could make some of the decisions I have made until she came along. I love her more than life itself and I wish she could be here. If she were here, we wouldn't be expecting Charlotte, but we are expecting her and maybe that's how it's supposed to be. It's weird how that works sometimes. I also never thought in a million years I could love a person as much as I love my daughter and daughter to be. I have so much love for them. I also never thought I could love my husband more everyday. I thought I loved him very much, but it just keeps growing. Love is definitely a good thing to have in your life. I don't know what I would do without it!
Happiness: Sometimes I wonder, "Am I really happy?" How can I be happy? My greatest treasure was taken away from me. One of the happiest days of my life was the day I married Dave. We have had a wonderful marriage and he makes me happy everyday. The next happiest day of my life, was the day we found out we were pregnant, and then after that was the day we found out we were having a girl. It all came crashing down the day she was born and we found out she wasn't going to live. How could I ever be happy again? What would make me happy again? Having her in my life, that would make me happy. I know that's not possible. She is in a better place where she isn't in any pain and I hope that my Grandma is taking care of her. When would I be happy again? When I meet Moira in heaven? Would I ever feel that happiness again? Well, the day we found out I was pregnant with Charlotte and the day we found she is a girl. My smile came back, but I just haven't been completely happy. My happiness is somewhat jaded, there are all of these questions and worries surrounding this pregnancy. Will it happen again? Am I doing something wrong? Did I do something wrong before? What can I change? Will we be able to bring Charlotte home? Will our hearts heal just a little? Will the smile and the happiness come back to our lives again? There are just so many unanswered questions.
I try everyday to enjoy this pregnancy, but there are some days that it's so hard. I get so scared and all I want is for this pregnancy to be over so we can have Charlotte here with us. I try not to let those scary days over power me and get in the way. I try to have more happy days and enjoy every little kick and jab, but sometimes I just want to crawl into bed and forget any of this ever happened.