Thursday, December 31, 2009

See ya later 2009 and don't come back!!!

I am so glad that we are in the last few hours of 2009. It started out as a wonderful year. We were expecting our first baby and we were so excited. Then that fateful day came, May 8, 2009. It sucked. We found out our baby was born with severe brain damage and she wouldn't live.
As we are about to embark on a new year, I am feeling hopeful. Still a little sad, but hopeful. Since Moira's passing, I have battled with post-partum depression, I mean who wouldn't after the hell I went through? I have met some amazing women who have helped my heart to heal some. I got my blood pressure under control and my PPD as well. I have grown closer to my wonderful husband and we have really been there for each other. I have grown closer to some friends and also haven't spoken to friends since Moira's death. I have gotten used to a new me. It's not a better me, but a new me. The me after my baby died. I have gotten over the fear of my new niece and embraced her with open arms. She has become a big part of my healing as well. She is the most amazing little girl. She probably will never really know how much she helped her auntie and uncle. Then in October we found our rainbow. We were pregnant again. The emotions were running wild. Our world was going to be changed again. More appointments, more worries, more excitement. Everything is going well though! Sometimes I feel guilty because all I had of Moira was my pregnancy with her and now I am sharing those only moments with another child. A child who will hopefully heal our heart just a little more. How can I be so happy, but also feel so guilty?
2010, I feel like it's going to be a good year. I mean, it has to be a good year after the hell we have been through, right??? Why would the universe do that to us again?
Welcome 2010 and please, please bring us the hope and healing that we need!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Christmas.....Bah Humbug?

So, there is this commercial on TV that I just HATE right now. It's a commercial for a local jewelery store. It's this woman rocking her baby girl in front of the Christmas tree and her husband comes downstairs. She says it's 2am and the baby just fell asleep. The dad says something along the lines of "It's 2am on our first Christmas together as a family." ***CRIES*** It makes me want to scream! That's supposed to be Dave and I and Moira and it's not us. It will NOT be us this year. I want to throw something at the TV whenever that commercial comes on. I mean, we do have a lot to be happy about this Christmas and a lot to be sad about as well. We are expecting a new baby, but we are also mourning the loss of our daughter who should be here with us. I am having a really hard time getting into the Christmas spirit this year.
Anyway, there we have it. Moira is never far from my thoughts. I think of her everyday. I think of holding her, smelling her, and just feeling her in my arms, wishing I could hold her again, but this time never let go. This new baby is a blessing for us, a way for us to heal and to maybe fill a little bit of the hole left behind after Moira died, but this baby won't be replacement for Moira. Nothing or noone will ever replace our first born daughter. We are looking to the future now and trying to think about this baby and take everything one day at a time, but also never forgetting our sweet angel.