21 more days

As I sit here drinking my coffee and watching Rachael Ray, I see my sweet, precious girl sleeping away in her swing. She has finally started taking a regular morning nap most mornings. It's been a process, but we've figured it out. Some days I get an hour and other days I get two. Anyway, sleep is another blog post for another day.
21 days......sigh. That's how many days I have left before I go back to work and leave my precious daughter in the care of someone else. I know she will be in good hands, but having been a nanny myself for a little babe, I know there will possibly be many firsts that I will miss. Charlotte hasn't started rolling yet, she's not fond of tummy time and will tolerate playing on the floor for a little while. I try to do it with her everyday. It hit me this morning as I showered with her sitting in her bouncy seat outside the shower, that I could possibly miss her rolling over for the first time. This really sucks! These are the sacrifices I have to make though. Am I OK with these sacrifices? No, not really. I mean, come on, my first daughter died! I will never have any firsts with Moira, never! Here I am blessed with another chance to experience these firsts and I have to send her off to daycare, where they might possibly get to see them!
I have to admit though, I have the perfect job to have with kids. I work in a Jr. High. I go in at 7ish and I'm out by 2pm. I have nothing to bring home with me. I get to leave work right away, no late days, do duties, etc. I can run right to daycare since it's behind the high school which is across the street from me! I can pick her up and we have the afternoon together. I get the weekends, holidays, school vacations, and then summer! So, I really do have the perfect job, if I have to work.
With the economy the way it is and the fact that we need to buy a new car for Dave, I have to work. We need my paycheck to help pay the mortgage. Thank goodness for Dave's extra job as Energy Manager, which will help to pay for daycare. It would be great if we could afford a nanny!!
This is where I am, trying to enjoy every last minute I have with her, but also worrying about our next big transition. I think tomorrow, if I can remember to bring my camera upstairs tonight, I will do a day in the life of Mama and Charlotte. That way I can document how we have spent our days!
Now I will leave you with some daily cuteness! This is Charlotte cuddling with my Uncle Andy when we went to visit him on Saturday.

My baby "got sick and passed away......."

Hello everyone!!
Sorry I haven't updated in awhile. I am just so tired when I get home from work and the last thing I feel like doing is blogging. :( I loved doing it all summer, but now just my comfy clothes and my bed call out to me.
My days are filled with classes and running around the school with different errands and such to do. Copies to make, folders to organize, and kids to help out! This week I had a 7th grader ask me if I had any kids, well of course I had to tell her. I have a picture of Moira sitting on my desk and this girl will be in my classroom 4 days a week. So, I told the student that I had a little baby who got sick and passed away. Sigh.....she was so sweet. Then today I had an 8th grader who knew me last year from another class, but she didn't know what happened to Moira. Most of the 7th graders last year who I would of had encounters with in certain classrooms were told. This one wasn't told. She wasn't in a class that I would have subbed in or helped out in. She was in a study hall with the woman I shared a classroom with last year. So, she asked me if I had a boy or a girl. I told her that actually my baby got sick and passed away. So, that is my token answer for any of the kids. That is what they told the kids last year, that Moira "got sick and passed away."
I hate to say that, I hate that I had a baby who got sick and died! A baby I longed for and wanted for so long. A baby I planned for and loved from the minute we knew we were pregnant with. All I have left of her is her ashes sitting on a shelf and her hair in my locket. My baby got sick and passed away. It's just not fair! I WANT MY BABY HERE WITH ME!!! Why don't I get to have my baby here??? Sigh......
Anyway, that's been my week. I promise to try and update a little more, but nothing super exciting is going on with me.
I am excited that next weekend I get to meet some loss mamas for the first time IRL, all who have had their rainbow babies as well. They have been a wonderful support for me from the beginning. Debbie, Jen, and Maria, I can't wait to see you ladies and have a nice weekend!

Busy, busy, busy!

Now that I am back to work, I don't have much time for my daily blogging, reading blogs, Facebook, etc. I think my husband is happy with that!! ;o) The week has been crazy and we have only had the kids two days this week and we have Friday off. Monday was professional development, so it wasn't bad. The student's schedules are all screwy, so it's made the start of the school year even more hectic than usual. It's OK, I smile and go where I am told. I have had more free time at work then I would normally have, but I have been filling my days. I came home Tuesday after having just a crazy, busy day, not stressful, just lots of running around. My blood pressure was 150/100 and that was with my medication that morning. So, I decided I should probably take it 3 times a day instead of two and my doctor had said I could do this if it was continuing to be sort of borderline or high. So, today I took it again around lunch time and then took my blood pressure at the end of the day before going home and it was 130/82, much better. So, I think at least for now I will take the meds. 3 times a day and see how that goes.

I was so anxious and nervous all last week about returning to work. My post-loss job, where I was pregnant the whole school year. How were people going to react to me, what would they say, what would I say, how would I feel sitting at my desk again?? I had a few panic attacks last week and was very, very nervous the first day. After going to the district wide opening day meeting, I headed over to the jr. high and we had our school meeting. Everyone was coming up to me, hugging me, welcoming me back, saying how happy they were to have me back, and also say how sorry they were. It felt so good and I felt so loved!

Anyway, I also have to just put in here that I hope you all will say some prayers for this family.
I have no words for the loss they are experiencing right now. Mirne, if you read this I am so, so, sorry for this horrible loss you are experiencing right now. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

I hope to try and update a little more often, but I have been so exhausted after work this week! Hope everyone is enjoying the start of fall. Hard to believe summer is over.

Meeting today

I just wanted to let you all know that my meeting with my boss went really well today. She is so supportive and such a wonderful person. She really helped to ease my anxieties. I am so grateful for that. I know now that going back to work on Monday will be hard, but it will be good for me and I will have so many people there rooting for me and cheering me on. When we finally get pregnant again, both Dave and I will have both schools behind us 100%!! He works across the street from me at the high school.
Anyway, thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers!!

Mixed emotions

So, I have mixed emotions about starting work again next week. I haven't actually worked since my last day of work on April 17th. The following week was our April vacation and so I decided not to go back to work after vacation because it would only be 2 weeks before Moira's due date.
Last year when I was getting ready to start work, it was a new job, a new school year, and I was pregnant with Moira. I had so many hopes and dreams and was so excited and happy. Little did I know what the end of the school year would bring. This year I will be starting that same job with new students, same co-workers, no baby, and I am not pregnant yet. I have no baby to show for my school year long pregnancy and my maternity leave. I am feeling so overwhelmed and anxious!
Luckily I have an amazing boss, she is the special education department head and the supervisor of us instructional aides. Anyway, I e-mailed her today and asked if I could come in for a visit if she was going to be in this week. I explained to her that I am feeling overwhelmed and anxious about the start of the school year and I would love to just chat with her and hopefully help ease some of my anxiety. She, of course, said yes! I am going in tomorrow morning for a little while to visit her and will hopefully feel a little better about the start of the school year on Monday. Actually the students don't report until Tuesday and we have Friday off for a long Labor Day weekend. So, it will be a 3 day week with the students and a 4 day work week for the teachers, etc. I'm feeling a little better now!