Tomorrow is our consult appointment with the RE, reproductive endocrinologist, or the fertility doctor. We are meeting with her to discuss our plans for the future in hopes of getting pregnant again, expanding our family, and hoping that we will be able to bring a baby home. It's awful that after all of this, I have come to the conclusion that there are no, I mean NO guarantees in life. It doesn't matter what stage of the pregnancy you are in, there is no guarantee that your baby will live, that you will be able to take your baby home. It's sad, but how can that make for a joyful pregnancy? I absolutely LOVED being pregnant with Moira, I loved every minute of it. I enjoyed every kick, movement, and my ever expanding belly. I was in heaven. How am I going to be with our next pregnancy? Am I going to feel the same? Am I going to love it as much as I loved it the first time? Most of all, am I going to be able to bring the next baby home? Will that baby live? Will that baby be healthy and come home to this loving house? We have a beautiful nursery waiting, tons of clothes waiting, tons of cloth diapers waiting, and most of all loving parents waiting for their baby. Parents waiting for the chance to be the parents they want to be, that they need to be. Waiting to have a baby to take care of, nurse, watch grow, play with, enjoy time with. It's awful that even though what happened to Moira is rare, there is still no guarantee that it won't happen again.
I do want to be pregnant again, I do want to have another baby, one that we can bring home and love forever. I am praying that tomorrow brings us more hope on our road to healing. I am planning to ask her for meds to start my period. It hasn't started yet and I want to get it started so we can start trying again for another baby soon.
1 comment:
I'll be watching for an appointment update, Alison.
I think the worst thing (aside from not having your baby) is the fact that you lose your "innocence." A blissfully ignorant pregnancy is just not an option again.
However, I will tell you that for me, I really enjoyed my pregnancy with Finnegan. Every ache, every pain, every movement, every pound I gained-- it brought me closer to him, and because of what I lost, I think I relished it all that much more.
I think it will be the same for you. It's hard, though, to not be worried, fearful all the time.
Someone said this on my blog when I was pregnant with Finn, and she was right-- you are right, there are no guarantees. A pregnancy does not necessarily mean you are going to get a baby-- but, it is highly unlikely that this will happen to you again. You will have your baby one day soon.
I am sorry you don't have her in your arms right now.
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