Saturday, August 1, 2009

The Secret Garden Meeting

The Secret Garden Meeting is a place for parents who have lost their babies to come together and remember their babies.
Here is a quote from the site that explains it better than I can!

"Women from all over the world would meet under the tree at the secret place, The Secret Garden to watch the sun set on the last Friday of each month. They would all have in common a great loss. A loss of life. They would all talk amongst themselves. They would share their hearts and tears and they would welcome each new mother that would make her journey to the top of the hill where the secret garden would be. As the sun would set over the horizon they would pause in silence to remember their beloved children." Taken from the Secret Garden Meeting site. You can go to the site by clicking the button above.

How do you see or imagine your baby/ies now that you do not have them with you?
Since it's only been a little over 2 months since I lost my Moira Mae, I see her as a baby still. When I think of her, I think of her laughing and cooing with her daddy. Snuggling with him, close to him. I think of her cooing and snuggling with me, nursing, and content to be with her mommy. I imagine us as a family, alone enjoying our time together, taking walks, laying in bed just the three of us, in the morning before the day starts.
Sometimes when I think of her, I think of me still pregnant with her. That's when she was alive, moving around, kicking me. After she was born, she wasn't doing any of those, she lay on a bed in the NICU attached to many machines. So, I like to remember her when she was alive inside of me.

How did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancy?

Although I am not pregnant yet, we are trying again now. We want to get pregnant as soon as we can to help fill some of that hole left in our hearts when Moira left us. As my friend Trinity said to me the other night, "I don't think the hole will ever be filled, but I do think your heart will have an attachment that will act as a detour around the hole."
I have already made plans with my OB about what will happen with our next pregnancy. I have a consult appointment with a high risk OB. I will be watched even more carefully than I was with my pregnancy with Moira. I have already started on blood pressure medication to keep my BP within normal range now and when I am pregnant again. I will not go past 38 weeks either. My gut feeling tells me that whatever happened with Moira, her brain damage, happened in the last two weeks of my pregnancy. So, I refuse to go past that 38 week mark! If we can deliver at 37 weeks, than I will do it. I will also have a c-section. I had an emergency c-section after hours upon hours of labor with Moira. The whole experience was traumatic for both Dave and I. Although a c-section scares me, the thought of labor again scares me even more. I will have a c-section and bring my baby home alive and healthy.

Thanks for listening.


Holly said...

I think of those moments too, when my Carleigh was very alive in my belly kicking, moving, and hiccuping. I love those times.

I totally understand your plans for your next birth. I feel you must do whatever you need to do to be able to bring your baby home.

Prather Family said...

I love what Trinity had to say. She is a wise woman and very sweet and suportive.

I hope your TTC road will be short this time and I'm so glad you have some plans for the birth of your next baby. The 37-38 week mark is a perfect time and then you won't have to worry as much, although that is easier said than done. You are always in my thoughts Alison. :)

Sophie said...

Oh Alison this post made me think so much about my own experiences with Jordan. It seems that we have much in common. I was not diagnosed with hypertension with Jordan and I had a high risk ob... but my husband and I have been wondering too whether her brain damage has anything at all to do with high blood pressure.

You have raised some interesting questions for me to ask my obstetrician. Thankyou.

I am so sorry for your loss of Moira. It is so recent and this is such a long and painful road. If you ever want need someone to talk to please email me.