Monday, August 17, 2009

Yes, I have a daughter.

So today I had to go back to the dentist to get fitted for a night guard. I am finally taking the plunge and getting one. This dentist office I go to is much more affordable than previous dentist offices. My teeth are so worn down from me clenching them for so many years. Anyway, I went in this afternoon and the hygienist was really sweet, asking me if we had been on any vacations yet this summer. I said we had just gotten back from Cape Cod. She then proceeded to ask me if I had any kids and I, without thinking, said "no." She was like, "Oh, so just you and your husband, that must be nice." Inside I am screaming at myself. YES, I DO HAVE A CHILD. I have a beautiful daughter that isn't with me anymore. She's an angel up in heaven. I am sitting there in the chair, yelling at myself in my head. Finally, I looked at the hygienist and said "Actually, I do have a baby who I lost a few months ago. She was full term and she had brain damage when she was born." She was so sad for me, said I am sorry and I said "Thank you." She asked me how long ago and then later she said she was sorry for upsetting me. I told her she didn't, I just didn't know what to say when she asked. She was sweet and then asked me, "How are you doing?" So now I have been totally off all day. So mad at myself for not remembering my daughter and saying right away that, "No, I don't have kids." It was just easier to say than to say that I do and then to get that look. I know you all know that look I am talking about. I have played that scenario over and over in my head so many times. What I would say if someone asked me if I had any kids. I would always say in my head, "Yes, I have a daughter who passed away soon after birth due to brain damage." It's always playing in my head when we go somewhere that no one knows us or knows what we have been through. When I was there today, it took me by surprise. I didn't think anyone would ask me.

Sigh......Oh my dear Moira Mae, I love you more than anything in the world and I am so sorry for my stupid mistake today. Everyday you are in my thoughts and everyday I miss you and love you.


4 comments:

Prather Family said...

Oh Alison, I want to reach through my computer and give you a big hug right now. I have tears in my eyes reading this. I know you didn't mean to not mention Moira. I'm sure it is easier to say you don't have kids, but I'm glad you did say something in the end. Moira understands and knows how difficult things are for you. She loves you very much. (((Hugs))

Elizabeth said...

Since losing my baby boy I have noticed that a lot of us mothers have had difficulty with whether or not to say they have a child that passed. People that don't know me think I have one boy but really I have 3. A step-son who currently lives with his mother, a son who is in Heaven and a new baby boy who lives with me. Don't feel bad about saying you have none. God knows your pain and he holds your precious Angel in Him loving arms. *hugs*

Laura said...

Alison,
I am so sorry. I understand. I play the scenarios over and over in my head as well. I'm sorry you are hurting today. I am sending prayers for peace in your heart.
Laura

beth said...

Alison, don't feel bad for saying 'no' initially...you didn't intend to dismiss Moira...she is always with you, you can talk about her as much or as little as you want..it doesn't change how much you love and miss her! HUGS