My busy day, it was good!

Today was a busy day for me. It was nice! I saw my therapist at 9:00am this morning. We talked about my BP and us TTC again. I also told her about Dave's new job and how I will hopefully be able to stay home with our next baby. We got on the topic of vaccines and I was saying how now that I can stay home with a new baby, I can delay other vaccines and do it a little differently than we had originally planned. I was happy about that!!! She was telling me how she didn't vaccinate her kids at all and she treated them totally homeopathically. She saw a homeopathic doctor as well. It was interesting. More things to read about now!

Then I came home after my appointment to relax for a bit and then had to take one of our cats to the vet. He needed his rabies shot and his eye was a little swollen. He had pink eye back in January and it was starting to look like it again. After that, came home and made a quick lunch for Dave and I. He was running home real quick from work to eat and then had to head back up there again for a curriculum meeting. I had a hair cut appointment at 2:45. I haven't had my hair cut since April and it was LONG! I didn't realize how long it was until after she had washed my hair and showed me where 2 inches would be. So, I decided to get 2 1/2 inches cut off and it's now just above my shoulders. She did some fancy layering to it to give it a little more body. I am so simple with my hair because I have a lot of hair, but it's so fine that it's hard to do much with it.
I love the place I get my hair cut at. It's this little salon owned by one woman. She uses all natural and organic hair products and it is so calming and relaxing when I go in there. Downstairs from her is a little store called Tip Top Country Store, http://www.tiptoponline.us/
It is such a great little store, lots of organic and natural products. We don't shop there a lot because it can get expensive, but I stopped in and got a few things that I really like. I like shopping there because it's a local, cool store.

So, overall a nice, fun day for me. :) Tomorrow my friend Angela and I are going to IKEA!! YAY!!! I am going to look for computer desks for our computer room. It's time to reorganize that room!!

Prayers for Stellan

Just thought I would add this in here too.

Say it with flowers

Check out this blog all of my loss mamas. It is a friend of the woman who does To Write Their Names in the Sand. It's beautiful!

Good friends

Feeling a little better today. I haven't showered or dressed yet, but neither has Dave!! He has Fridays off in the summer, so I like just being a bum with him on Fridays if we don't have anything to do. It's so nice!
I've got so much swirling around in my head these days. Trying to think of things I can do with my time. I think this week, if I can swing it, I am going to go to a local fabric store and take a sewing lesson. I have a beautiful sewing machine my mom bought for me a few years ago and I have no idea how to use it! My friend taught me how to use it when I first got it, but then it's been sitting in my closet now for years! I want to learn to sew and maybe learn to make things I can sell on the side for a little extra money. We'll see!!
Tonight we are going to dinner with some good friends of ours and then to the movies. We are going to eat at http://www.famousdaves.com/ and then going to see The Hangover. Should be fun. We love hanging out with these friends of ours. They are laid back, fun, and have been a wonderful support to us through everything!
My blood pressure was a little on the high side yesterday, but when I got up this morning, it was back down. So, not sure what's going on there.
That's about it for now! Thanks for listening!

What's your purpose?

As a loss mama, do you ever feel like you have no purpose in life after the loss of your child? Maybe you lost your 2nd baby and you have an older child that you need to be there for or maybe you lost your 1st baby and now you have nothing. What do you do? What is your purpose in life now? I am currently in the situation. It's kind of how I have been feeling the past few days. What is my purpose? Moira was my first baby, I was supposed to be off all summer so I could take care of her before going back to work in the fall. Now all I have are my cats. They don't need me the way a baby needs me. They just want some food and to be let inside and outside all day long. My husband doesn't need me the way a baby needs me. So, what do I do now?
I don't have much to look forward to during the day other than the fact that Dave comes home from work around 12:30ish and we can have the rest of the day to do whatever together. I am really slacking on the house cleaning stuff and not really feeling like being much of a housewife either. I am focusing on getting healthy and getting ready for another baby, but that doesn't take much to do. Sigh....so what is my purpose? What should I be doing with my days? I don't know what to do. I am working on it. I guess I am just looking forward to the 2nd week of August when we will go to Cape Cod and be on vacation and Dave will be done with summer school and then he'll have 3 weeks off before school starts.

Question about Blogger

I am still figuring out blogger. I have used LiveJournal forever, but I like this one too. Anyway, when someone posts a comment to my entry, do they see if I reply to it? People have been posting comments, but I have no idea if I reply, will they see it? On LJ there is a reply feature so then people will know I replied to them. Just curious. Still learning!! :)

blood pressure

I am psyched that the blood pressure medication already seems to be working. My BP looked pretty close to normal when I took it this morning! I am hoping with some more exercise and this medication, it will get under control before I get pregnant again! When I read about the medication online, it does say that it works in 4-6 hours. Wow! It is also safe to take during pregnancy, which is what I wanted. I am happy to be another step closer!

More hope for a brighter future

Yesterday was my follow up appointment with my primary care doctor. It was a good appointment. She is great!! I have been going to her for 9 years now, so I feel like I have a good relationship with her. Anyway, my blood pressure was still borderline high so we talked about my options. She mentioned that some people will continue to try exercise, etc. to bring it down as an option first. I told her that I would prefer to go the medication route at this point because we want to try again so soon to get pregnant. I really want to get this BP under control now before we get pregnant again. Even with exercise, there is still the possibility that my BP will be high again during pregnancy since it was preg. induced to begin with. I don't want to mess around with meds. when I do get pregnant, I would like to already be on something. So, she agreed and she started me on a low dose of a medication that I will take 2 times a day. She wants me to continue to monitor my BP with my little cuff and if it continues to be high, she wants me to up the meds. to 3 times a day. Then I will see her again in a month. She wants me to conitnue to exercise as well.
So, we'll see where this brings me, but it gives me more hope towards a healthy pregnancy next time around.

My dear sweet Moira Mae,
I have been missing you a lot today, like I do everyday, but today I am in some sort of funk. I don't really want to get moving, but I need to do it. Mommy has a check up with her doctor today to see how I am doing with my blood pressure. I really want to get it under control so we can have a baby brother or sister for you. I wonder everyday why this had to happen to us. Why were you taken from daddy and I? What did we do? We love you so much and loved you before you were even conceived. We had so many plans for you this summer, so many things we wanted to do with you. Everyday I get up hoping that I will wake up from this awful nightmare and you are here with us, but I don't wake up from it I continue to be in this nightmare everyday. I wonder what you would look like now, would you be cooing at me, smiling, laughing. Sometimes I dwell on those thoughts, but then I have to stop myself because I know how sad they will make me. Some days getting through the day is so hard, and other days I forget where the day went. Your daddy is amazing and helps me get through the day, everyday. Sometimes he doesn't know that he does, but he does. Your daddy and I think of you everyday. We know you are in a better place where you are and you aren't in pain anymore and that makes us feel at peace, but it's also so hard for us to think of you there. Why aren't you here with us?
I am so bad at these things, but I felt the need to write you a letter today. To tell you how much I love you and miss you today and everyday. I get mad at myself some days because I forgot to think about you, but then I realize you are always present in my thoughts even if I don't always remember what they were. You are always in my heart and in my mind, you always will be no matter how old I am or how many more babies I have, you will always be my first sweet little angel.
I love you Miss Moira Mae. Please bless your daddy and I with another sweet baby to bring home and live with us here on Earth. We need you, but know we can't have you, so now we need a baby sister or brother to fill our empty arms and our empty house.
I love you with all of my heart,
Mommy<3

Under the Tree JUNE Questions

I'm a little late with these, but I am new to this too. It's been a busy few weeks.

Hair Color: Dark Brown, almost black

Eye color: Blue/Grey/Green depending on what I am wearing!

Profession: Instructional Assistant for 8th graders, mother to an angel, wife to an amazing husband.

Relationship status: Married


My Favorites:

Favorite color: Blue and Green

Favorite movie: The Goonies

Favorite animal: Cats and Turtles

Favorite store: Target, Old Navy

Favorite childhood memory: My brother and I making up our own Morse Code so we could talk to each other when we were supposed to be in bed!

Favorite hobby: yoga, taking pictures with my new camera, reading

Favorite song/singer: Barenaked Ladies, Angel by Sarah McLaughlin

Favorite book/author: To Kill a Mockingbird

Favorite school subject: Drama

Favorite vacation destination: Cape Cod, but I would love to go to Ireland

Favorite food: Macaroni and Cheese, yummy!

Favorite restaurant: Hmmm.....Red Robin maybe?? Howard's in the summer, great seafood place by us.


This or That


Coke or pepsi : Cherry Coke

Beer or wine: Both on occasion

Coffee or tea: Coffee

Apple Juice or O.J.: OJ

Summer or Winter: Summer

Cats or dogs: Cats

Salty or sweet: Both, together!!

Plane or boat: Plane

Morning or night: Night

Money or love: Love

Breakfast or dinner: Hmm....both!! I love to make breakfast and I love my husband's dinners!

Forgiveness or revenge: Forgiveness

House or apartment: My house, I love it!!

Like to cook: with my husband.


Have You Ever:


Got a speeding ticket: No

Wished you were someone else: In certain points of my life, yes.

Cried during a movie: Yes

Describe yourself in one word: Cheerful

Biggest fear: Getting pregnant again and losing that baby too.

Biggest mistake: Hmm....can't think of one right now.

Your proudest accomplishment: My baby Moira and buying our house.

Dream job: Stay at home mommy to a baby on Earth.

Special talents: Playing with kids!! :)

Where would you rather be at the moment: With my baby here at home. Also, on Cape Cod on the beach!

Famous person you want to meet: OH, Will Smith!! I have always wanted to meet him!

Song to be played at your funeral: Angel by Sarah McLaughlin, it was played at my daughter's memorial service. I love that song.

New Hampshire

Just wanted to share a picture of Dave and I at Lake Winnipesaukee in New Hampshire. It was so beautiful and peaceful there. I loved just sitting by the lake looking out at it. Ahhh.......
Next vacation is Cape Cod in August! Whoo hoo!! Can't wait for that either.

Moira's Name

I was so happy to come home from our little mini vacation in New Hampshire with Dave's family to find that Moira's name had been done in the sand finally!! I have been waiting a few weeks for it now and I was so excited to see it.
Here is the link to the original posting.

http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2009/07/moira-mae.html

It's beautiful and I love it!

Hope on the horizon.......

Two things happened today to give us hope. Dave was offered an extra position at work with a wonderful stipend that will help us pay off some bills next school year, save some money, and possibly allow me to stay home with our next baby at least for a year. That is what I am most excited about. After everything we have been through with Moira, the possibility that I could get to stay home with our child makes it worth while. Dave said that is why he applied for the job, so I could stay home. Sigh.....my dream come true!!! :)

We also met with the fertility doctor, although it was sad we were back there, it also was hopeful. I had blood work done today. I will get the results tomorrow. She will be able to tell me if I have already ovulated. If I haven't ovulated yet, she gave me a prescription to start medication that will force a period for me. If I have ovulated, than we need to wait for a period. Once I get my period in August, I will call the office and we will begin starting the Clomid, IUI, etc. Dave and I decided not to try on our own in August. We want me to get healthy, i.e. lose some more weight and work on my blood pressure first. I would like to lose about 10 pounds in the next few months, not sure if it's possible, but I will try! Then we'll start treatments in the fall. He is just very concerned about my BP and me too, so we want that under control first. We are working on it. I see my primary care doctor on the 20th to check in and see what the next step is! YAY!

OK, so there is my good news for the day. Dave's new position at work, he will still be teaching, this will be extra and on top of his teaching duties. I will explain more once he says it's OK too. YAY!!

Another doctor's appointment and no guarantees

Tomorrow is our consult appointment with the RE, reproductive endocrinologist, or the fertility doctor. We are meeting with her to discuss our plans for the future in hopes of getting pregnant again, expanding our family, and hoping that we will be able to bring a baby home. It's awful that after all of this, I have come to the conclusion that there are no, I mean NO guarantees in life. It doesn't matter what stage of the pregnancy you are in, there is no guarantee that your baby will live, that you will be able to take your baby home. It's sad, but how can that make for a joyful pregnancy? I absolutely LOVED being pregnant with Moira, I loved every minute of it. I enjoyed every kick, movement, and my ever expanding belly. I was in heaven. How am I going to be with our next pregnancy? Am I going to feel the same? Am I going to love it as much as I loved it the first time? Most of all, am I going to be able to bring the next baby home? Will that baby live? Will that baby be healthy and come home to this loving house? We have a beautiful nursery waiting, tons of clothes waiting, tons of cloth diapers waiting, and most of all loving parents waiting for their baby. Parents waiting for the chance to be the parents they want to be, that they need to be. Waiting to have a baby to take care of, nurse, watch grow, play with, enjoy time with. It's awful that even though what happened to Moira is rare, there is still no guarantee that it won't happen again.
I do want to be pregnant again, I do want to have another baby, one that we can bring home and love forever. I am praying that tomorrow brings us more hope on our road to healing. I am planning to ask her for meds to start my period. It hasn't started yet and I want to get it started so we can start trying again for another baby soon.

Wii and the Wii Fit

So, we bought the Wii and the Wii Fit today!! Yay!!! I am so excited. I tried it out tonight and it says I am obese and my Wii age is 44. Lovely! I did just have a baby 7 weeks ago. I still had $200 left from the gift cards that my old work gave us so we put that towards it plus some money we had in savings. I made Dave try it out tonight too and he liked it. Tomorrow we are going to go and get some hand weights and a mat to put under our elliptical because we have wood floors and it moves everywhere. We are both going to try and do the Wii Fit and the elliptical as much as we can. The Wii Fit will be easy to do everyday, it's so fun. I am going to take it up to NH with us next week and try and use it. My SIL wants to get the Wii Fit too, so she can give it a try too. Should be fun! I want to lose and tone this baby fat and get healthy for the next baby and it will also help my blood pressure.
Anyway, now we are going to do the bowling again. That's fun too. I love it!! I love our XBOX 360 too, it can do a whole lot more, but this is fun and easy for me. I have horrible eye hand coordination, so the Wii is totally easy for me!!

Poems

Below are two poems that someone sent me on an infant loss board. They posted them under this picture which I had posted on my profile.

My Mom is a Survivor

My Mom is a survivor,
or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night
when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach
that never wash away ...
I watch over my surviving Mom
who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others ...
a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door
I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My Mom tries to cope with death;
To keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows
it is her way to survive.
as I watch over my surviving Mom
through Heaven's open door ...
I try to tell her that angels
protect me forevermore!
I know that doesn't help her,
or ease the burden she bears.
So, if you get a chance, go visit her.
Show her that you care.
for no matter what she says ...
no matter what she feels.
My surviving Mom has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal.
~Author~
Kaye Des'Ormeaux

My Dad is a Survivor

My dad is a survivor too
which is no surprise to me.
He's always been like a lighthouse
that helps you cross a stormy sea.

But, I walk with my dad each day
to lift him when he's down.
I wipe the tears he hides from others;
He cries when no one's around.

I watch him sit up late at night
with my picture in his hand.
He cries as he tries to grieve alone,
and wishes he could understand.

My dad is like a tower of strength.
He's the greatest of them all!
But, there are times when he needs to cry...
Please be there when he falls.

Hold his hand or pat his shoulder...
And tell him it's okay.
Be his strength when he's sad,
Help him mourn in his own way.

Now, as I watch over my precious dad
from the Heavens up above...
I'm so proud that he's a survivor...
And, I can still feel his love.

A happy picture of Dave and I at dinner the night before the service with friends and family. It was wonderful!

picture post

Pictures of Moira's memorial in our foyer.
This is her hospital picture and a rabbit someone gave us.




Moira's urn and an angel picture my friend drew.


The two shelves



The bottom part. Her footprints and pictures.













The whole memorial

Moira's memorial service

Sigh.......it's over and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It was sad and overwhelming, but also peaceful and beautiful. I had no idea what to do for the service, so I left it in the hands of the pastor and the music director. She said some words, some prayers, etc. They sang some beautiful songs, one was Angel by Sarah McLaughlin, which is one of my favorite songs. She opened up the floor for people to speak. I didn't expect lots of people to speak, but I wasn't sure if anyone wanted to. Dave had asked her before the service if there would be time for people to speak and she had told us there would and he said he wanted to say something. I had no idea!! He had written something while at work that morning. He quoted part of a Walt Whitman poem and then said some beautiful and wonderful words after. He did amazing because he usually doesn't like to speak in front of people. He choked up a little, but did a wonderful job. I was so proud of him. :) My friend Karen, who I used to nanny for, said something as well. Then the pastor read the poem that my mom's friend wrote for us, Moira's Gift. I wanted to originally, but after thinking about it, I didn't think I would be able to. She did a wonderful job reading it. Our pastor also has a beautiful voice, so her and the music director sounded awesome!

It was nice having family and friends there. It made for a small intimate service. Probably around 50 to 55 people were there. It was so nice having Becky and Rachel here with their mom. We have been friends since we were 2. We spent so much time just laughing. Laughing about nothing and everything. We cried and hugged and just had a wonderful time. I miss seeing them! We usually only get to see each other at Christmas with family, their kids, etc. around, so it was nice to have them all to myself for a few days. My uncle came up from NYC, my cousin who lives in NH right now came down later because he couldn't get the time off of work. My brother was here with his fiance, my parents, and my 88 year old grandma and her new husband drove out from Michigan. Dave's family was here as well, which was so nice. We had other wonderful and good friends here too. Everyone who matters to us was there and that was wonderful!! After we had people over to our house for some food, drink, and laughs. It was nice to hang out and relax with friends and laugh with them and have a good time celebrating our daughter. I had ordered platters of food from a local place. A deli platter, a veggie platter, and a cheese, cracker, and pepperoni plate with grapes. Becky and Rachel's mom paid for the deli platter and then I paid for the other two plus tons of bread for sandwiches. I had received $350 in American Express gift cards from the old school I worked at as part of a gift they got for us. I used part of it to pay for the platters. Plus people brought food, etc. for us. It was nice!!

It was so nice and healing for me. I am glad we waited a month and a half to do the service. It wasn't so fresh in our minds, hearts, etc. It was still hard to do, but it was good. God I miss her like crazy and wish she was here with us. Sigh....I should have an almost 2 month old. It's just not fair.......