The Secret Garden August Meeting

If you created a bedroom for your baby tell us what it was like.
Moira's room is beautiful! Lots of friends helped us get her room together. It needed a lot of work since it was originally our junk room piled with boxes. We live in an old house, 1850. The walls were in rough shape, electrical work needed to be done, and the previous owners had painted the wood floor. The trim work was an ugly pinky purple color.
Our friend Cam put up a chair rail and helped Dave fix the walls. Our neighbors helped pick out the colors and helped to prime and paint the walls. We did a creamy colored trim with a pale green on the top wall and a pale purple on the bottom wall. I agonized for months, constantly changing my mind about what I wanted for the nursery theme. I didn't want everything matchy matchy like all of the typical nursery decor. I wanted her nursery to be different, stimulating, and beautiful. I finally decided on bedding from IKEA. Her room is so much fun and so pretty. My parents bought us the crib and Dave's parents bought us the dresser/changing table. We had an old bookshelf that Dave stained and we got a rocking chair from a family that I used to babysit for. Our neighbor and Dave worked on the closet. It is beautiful!

Did you have it ready for them before they were born?
Everything was ready for Moira. There were a few finishing touches that weren't done, but the crib was ready. Her clothes were washed and hanging up and stored away in the dresser. Her cloth diapers were washed, prepped, and put away. Books on the shelves, her nightlight was ready. Stuffed animals lined a shelf and a were put in a basket. The crib was made with freshly washed linens. The room is the cleanest and most organized room in our entire house!

If so how did you cope coming home to it without your baby?
Friends of ours came to our house while we were still in the hospital and packed away EVERYTHING baby related and stored it at our neighbor's house. The car seat was taken out of our car and put away. Her room was left as is. When we came home it was so hard, but we came home to an empty house. The pack and play that had been set up a few days before in our downstairs was now gone. The swing and bouncy seat, still in their boxes waiting to be put together by Dave and my dad, were gone. The diapers and changing stuff I had ready for us to use downstairs, were now put away. Books, ultrasound pictures, notes, etc. all gone. It was surreal and strange, but I was glad to come home to all of that put away and we didn't have to do it. It took me about a month before I could go into her room and when I finally did, I went in with Dave and he held me and I sobbed for what was lost. Now, I go in there and I look around at her things, look at her cloth diapers, her clothes, and the crib and I smile. I smile because I remember all of the love that went into making that room. Our love and our friend's love. We had so much help putting that room together, it makes me happy to see it still there. I don't want to take it down.

Did you pack it all away?
As I said, just the things that were throughout the house. Currently her room is as it was the day we finished it.

What is your baby's room now?
Still a baby's room and it will remain that way for our next baby.

If you are trying to conceive again, or are pregnant again how do you feel about setting up another room before your baby is born?
We are trying to conceive again and we plan to use Moira's room. I feel so happy now when I go into her room. I will keep her room as is for now. When we get pregnant, if we are having a boy, only a few things need to be changed and of course we will eventually buy some boy clothes. If we have a girl, we will use Moira's clothes depending on the season the baby is born. I feel like it will be a wonderful way for us to keep Moira's memory alive, by using all of her things for her little brother or sister.

This is a picture of Moira's changing table/dresser and the bookshelf in her room

This is a picture of the crib

This is the crib and a look at the curtains in the room.

Meeting today

I just wanted to let you all know that my meeting with my boss went really well today. She is so supportive and such a wonderful person. She really helped to ease my anxieties. I am so grateful for that. I know now that going back to work on Monday will be hard, but it will be good for me and I will have so many people there rooting for me and cheering me on. When we finally get pregnant again, both Dave and I will have both schools behind us 100%!! He works across the street from me at the high school.
Anyway, thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers!!

Mixed emotions

So, I have mixed emotions about starting work again next week. I haven't actually worked since my last day of work on April 17th. The following week was our April vacation and so I decided not to go back to work after vacation because it would only be 2 weeks before Moira's due date.
Last year when I was getting ready to start work, it was a new job, a new school year, and I was pregnant with Moira. I had so many hopes and dreams and was so excited and happy. Little did I know what the end of the school year would bring. This year I will be starting that same job with new students, same co-workers, no baby, and I am not pregnant yet. I have no baby to show for my school year long pregnancy and my maternity leave. I am feeling so overwhelmed and anxious!
Luckily I have an amazing boss, she is the special education department head and the supervisor of us instructional aides. Anyway, I e-mailed her today and asked if I could come in for a visit if she was going to be in this week. I explained to her that I am feeling overwhelmed and anxious about the start of the school year and I would love to just chat with her and hopefully help ease some of my anxiety. She, of course, said yes! I am going in tomorrow morning for a little while to visit her and will hopefully feel a little better about the start of the school year on Monday. Actually the students don't report until Tuesday and we have Friday off for a long Labor Day weekend. So, it will be a 3 day week with the students and a 4 day work week for the teachers, etc. I'm feeling a little better now!

Sailing

On Tuesday we started our trip by sailing from Boston to Marblehead, that's where this picture was taken. I had never been to Marblehead before. It was a quaint little New England sea town. Great scenery, cute little houses, and just a nice town. I took some great pictures while we were there! Wednesday we got up and got underway to Provincetown, the tip of Cape Cod. I only remember going there once when I was a kid with my family and I can sort of remember the beach, but that's it. P-town, if you don't know, is a cute, fun, hip town where there is such a mixture of different and interesting people. It was fun. We went to a bar Wednesday night for a drink and we had a drag queen for a karaoke DJ who was hilarious! Thursday morning we got up, ate breakfast in P-town, walked around a little bit more, then went back to the boat. We did our usual shower routine, which was jump in the water, soap up, and then jump back into the water. The P-town harbor water was like bath water, it was so nice. We took salt water baths all week. Then after that we set sail to Scituate, MA, which is Dave and our friend Peter's hometown. It was Peter's boat we were on. We got into Scituate, ate dinner, had a few drinks with Peter's sister, and met up with another one of Peter's friends, Robyn who was joining us in Scituate for the sail back to Boston on Friday. There were four of us that were on the whole trip, Dave and I and then Peter and his friend Rachel who was a lot of fun and then she just joined us for the last leg. Friday we got up, had breakfast at Dunkin Donuts in Scituate, got a few things at the store, and then headed out to Boston. It was really a lot of fun and I am glad we did it. because who knows if we'll be able to do it next year. I will post some pictures later. Also, I have some pictures on Facebook, which I think most of you have seen, but I'll try to post a few of my favorites here.

My dream, again

Two things about my previous dream my therapist said I should take the energy from my dream and go with it. In other words, she said I should journal to the twins. Write them notes, talk to them, etc. She said she believes in dreams coming true and that if you take the energy from such a great dream that it's possible it will come true. I've been thinking about that and thinking about writing to "my twins." We'll see!!

Also, I talked to my mom about it last night. I told her about the dream and how vivid it was and how I rarely remember my dreams. She asked if I could be pregnant and I said no because I had just finished my period. She called it a baby dream. She had told me before about how she had vivid dreams while pregnant with me and my brother. She knew I was a girl and Tom was a boy, she knew what we looked like, everything. Since then she has had other baby dreams about people close to her, her sister, friends, etc. She never had a baby dream when I was pregnant with Moira and I never had a baby dream while pregnant with her either. I had one early on of me buying baby boy clothes, but no baby in the dream. That was before we knew she was a girl. Then later on I had a dream of me nursing her, but it wasn't very vivid and I barely remember it. So, I am wondering if that means something? I don't want to read into it because I think that will make me sad and I don't want to be sad. So, instead I think I am going to take the energy from the baby dream I had of me having twins and go with it like my therapist said. If I don't have twins, I won't be totally upset because then that means I can get pregnant again. I loved being pregnant and can't wait to get pregnant again. If I do have twins, then I would be OK with that too. It would be my last pregnancy though unless somewhere down the road I could convince Dave to go at it again and see. We always settled on the fact that we would have 2 kids and if we get them in one shot then great. We'll see.....

Love

Just wanted to share this picture of Dave and I from our sailing trip this week. I love it!! I think I am going to blow it up and frame it. We had an amazing time. It was so fun and relaxing. I haven't been this tan in a long time! My freckles popped out like crazy! So much so that Dave couldn't figure out what the spots on my nose were. When I looked in the mirror, I said "you silly, those are my freckles!!" Anyway, I will update more about our trip later. I am so tired right now and heading to bed soon.

Yes, I have a daughter.

So today I had to go back to the dentist to get fitted for a night guard. I am finally taking the plunge and getting one. This dentist office I go to is much more affordable than previous dentist offices. My teeth are so worn down from me clenching them for so many years. Anyway, I went in this afternoon and the hygienist was really sweet, asking me if we had been on any vacations yet this summer. I said we had just gotten back from Cape Cod. She then proceeded to ask me if I had any kids and I, without thinking, said "no." She was like, "Oh, so just you and your husband, that must be nice." Inside I am screaming at myself. YES, I DO HAVE A CHILD. I have a beautiful daughter that isn't with me anymore. She's an angel up in heaven. I am sitting there in the chair, yelling at myself in my head. Finally, I looked at the hygienist and said "Actually, I do have a baby who I lost a few months ago. She was full term and she had brain damage when she was born." She was so sad for me, said I am sorry and I said "Thank you." She asked me how long ago and then later she said she was sorry for upsetting me. I told her she didn't, I just didn't know what to say when she asked. She was sweet and then asked me, "How are you doing?" So now I have been totally off all day. So mad at myself for not remembering my daughter and saying right away that, "No, I don't have kids." It was just easier to say than to say that I do and then to get that look. I know you all know that look I am talking about. I have played that scenario over and over in my head so many times. What I would say if someone asked me if I had any kids. I would always say in my head, "Yes, I have a daughter who passed away soon after birth due to brain damage." It's always playing in my head when we go somewhere that no one knows us or knows what we have been through. When I was there today, it took me by surprise. I didn't think anyone would ask me.

Sigh......Oh my dear Moira Mae, I love you more than anything in the world and I am so sorry for my stupid mistake today. Everyday you are in my thoughts and everyday I miss you and love you.

High Risk OB

OK, I know you have been waiting for this update about our appointment with the high risk OB. Sorry I didn't update sooner, but the internet connection wasn't great where we were staying on the Cape and I would get annoyed.
Overall it was a good appointment. She didn't really tell us anything we didn't already know, but it was good to meet with her and get her take on the whole thing. She said that the blood pressure meds. I am on are good for pregnancy, which I already knew. She also told us that I can take it up to 4 times a day during pregnancy and currently I am taking it two times a day. She looked at my BP numbers that I had been keeping a record of for the last 2 months. She said I was borderline high before the meds, but that it was good that I am getting it under control now. We talked about my feelings about the last two weeks of my pregnancy. I told her how in my gut, I feel like that is when things were going wrong when I look back on it now. That is when my BP increased even more, I was swollen, etc. She made me feel like my feelings were justified and she listened to everything I had to say. At this point she said that I could stay with my current OB and because they are in the same practice and talk on a regular basis, I can see both of them. I can do some appointments with my OB and then intersperse appointments with her in there as well. That was what we wanted to hear. Dave said he started to have a little panic attack while we were in there when he thought that she might say we couldn't see my OB again, that we would have to move over to just her. We both feel a connection with my OB and we want to keep her for my next pregnancy, so we were both very relieved when we found out I could keep her. I was having a bit of an anxiety attack myself sitting in the waiting room, etc.
Also, the doctor said that when I do get pregnant they will start monitoring me the way I was monitored for Moira earlier, around 28-30 weeks. She also pretty much told me that whatever I want, I can get in so many words. If I am feeling anxious and I want an ultrasound, they can do an ultrasound, I can come in and listen to the heartbeat, whatever. I had asked her if I would get an early ultrasound if we got pregnant on our own. I got an early ultrasound with the RE's office and then got one at 12 weeks with the OB's office. That is when she told me that I could get one whenever I want!! It probably wouldn't be whenever I want, but I am sure they will probably bend over backwards to make me feel at ease during my next pregnancy.
So all in all it was a good appointment. Like I said, it was stuff we already knew, but it was good to meet and know that everyone is on the same page.

Dreaming

I had a dream last night that we had twins, one boy and one girl. They came early and they were small, but they were very healthy and doing OK. I am not sure how I had them because I didn't have a c-section and I didn't go through labor, they just came out. That was the weird part of the dream. It was very vivid though and their names were Alexa Marie (my middle name is Marie) and Bradley David (Dave's name, obviously). It's funny that it was so vivid and as soon as I woke up I remembered their names and I liked their names. They were names we never really thought of using. I had contemplated using my middle name before we settled on Moira and we had talked about using Dave's name for a middle name if we had a boy, but that was it.

Hmmm.......I wonder if that means something? I am now the 3rd person to dream that we had twins. Dave did long before we were pregnant with Moira, and his sister did a few months ago. Interesting. Maybe that is what is meant to be.

Heaven

I'm leaving you with my little slice of heaven! Sigh.....I love it here!

Anniversary

9 years ago today I married my best friend, my lover, my husband. I can't believe it's been 9 years. We have had our ups and downs and at one point we almost didn't make it, but we are stronger now than we have ever been. We have our moments like in any marriage, but at the end of the day, we come home to each other and we sleep in the same bed, and love each other more than ever! Sometimes I feel frustrated that we have no living children to show for our 9 years of marriage. I know we have Moira, but I wish she was here with us and we had her to show for everything that we have been through in our 9 years together. Sigh.....I know our day will come and we will have more children, but right now it's a little bittersweet.


***I promise I will update later about our high risk OB appointment on Monday. The internet connection here at the Cape is crappy and I don't want to stay on too long because I am getting annoyed! ***

Cape Cod

Heading to the Cape tomorrow. I will update as soon as I can about my appointment on Monday with the high risk OB. If anything, I will update on Facebook. Hope you all had a wonderful weekend!

Pure bliss.......

This was my day today on Boston Harbor. I had an amazing time sailing with my wonderful husband, our good friends and neighbors, and my husband's best friend Peter, who took us out. It was so much fun, relaxing, and just beautiful. We go to the Cape next week and then the week after that we are going on a sailing overnight trip with Peter for 3 nights and 4 days. I am beyond excited, especially after today!

Thanks Amy!

Thanks Amy for checking in with me. :) This week has started out busy! Last night I had an Arbonne party for my good friend Erin who is trying to get this started as her full time job. It was a lot of fun! There were 10 of us here and it was a nice pampering spa party. I was busy part of Monday and Tuesday cleaning and getting food ready. It gave me something to do and keep me busy during my day. Today I am doing absolutely NOTHING!! I am really in the mood to just be a bum. No reason, just tired and wanting to do that. Tomorrow I have a massage in the morning given to my by my yoga teacher as her way of showing her support after losing Moira. She also gave me a free 6 week session of yoga as well!
On Friday we are going with our neighbors into Boston to go sailing with my husband's best friend Peter. Peter belongs to a yacht club and can take out different kinds of boats. We are all so excited to go. Sunday we leave for Cape Cod for a week and I can't wait!!! I want to get to the beach!! We haven't been all summer and I really have no color at all!! I wish I had a pool to sit out by and get some color. It's been too hot out to just sit on my porch.

On Monday the 10th, we have to leave our little piece of heaven for a little while to go meet with the high risk OB in preparation for our next pregnancy. We have an apt. at 8:30am and it's about an hour and a half from where we are staying for the week. It was the first apt. we could get where both Dave and I could make it. I don't know how much Dave needs to be there, but it doesn't matter I want him there!! :) Since we are having to do it during our vacation too, I want him to come, for the support and so I don't have to repeat everything to him. Plus, he is always better at remembering information when we have important appointments like that.

Anyway, that's about it. Hope you all are doing well out there in blog land!

Say it flowers

I just wanted to say a big thank you to the people over at Say it with flowers for putting my beautiful Moira Mae's name on a flower. It's gorgeous and I love it!
Thanks!

I was tagged by Amy over at Family Journeys With Twins. I have to come up with 7 things I am thankful for and then pass this on to 7 blogger friends.

1. I am thankful for Dave. He is an amazing and wonderful husband who loves me for me. He makes me laugh and I love spending time with him. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me!

2. I am thankful for Moira. She was our much longed for baby who brought us closer than ever when she was conceived and then in her death she has brought Dave and I even closer than we have ever been. She is the next best thing that has ever happened to me and she is my greatest accomplishment.

3. I am thankful for my family. My family has been so amazing through our journey after Moira. They have been so supportive and loving.

4. I am thankful for my friends. My many online friends who have been supportive and wonderful. Also for my IRL friends. We have some friendships that have grown stronger since Moira's death and that has been wonderful!

5. I am thankful for my cats. They love me unconditionally and they keep me company during my days and cuddle us at night.

6. I am thankful for mine and Dave's jobs. In this economy where people are losing jobs left and right as well as having a hard time finding jobs, we both have secure jobs in a wonderful school system.

7. I am thankful for our house. We love our house and I am so happy we can afford to keep making the house payments and enjoy our beautiful house!

OK, 7 blogs. Hmmm...

1. A Daisy and A Butterfly
2. French Fries, Gravy, & Motherhood
3. Cat's Litterbox
4. Our Kali Alexa
5. Nolan's Story
6. Mental Cobwebs
7. Michigan Yeagers

So, what are you thankful for???

Possibly a purpose???

Maybe you all remember this post where I talked about having a purpose in life after the loss of my first born daughter. I have been searching for my purpose, wondering what it is now that I don't have my daughter here with me. After chatting this morning with a new online friend, hope you don't mind me mentioning you Debbie, I think I may have an idea of what my purpose is now.
While pregnant with Moira, I had pregnancy induced hypertension, PIH, and that is possibly what caused Moira's brain damage and eventual death. Moira was as close to stillbirth as you can possibly get. My friend Debbie had PIH as well and her daughter Sophie was stillborn as well. Debbie had a friend who just had a baby who was stillborn and also had PIH. Is there a link to this?? I have no idea, I don't have a medical background, but what I do have is a drive to make people aware of this. I want to make woman aware of this, if you have high blood pressure while pregnant, be aware of ALL of the things that can happen to your unborn baby. Speak up, talk to your OB, you need to be your own advocate. Luckily I have an amazing OB who was keeping an eye one me, but what happened to Moira, noone would have been able to know about it.
So Debbie and I chatted some more and the two of us want to do our research, figure out a way to make woman aware of this and what can happen and to feel empowered to be their own advocate. We have no idea where to begin or where to go, but we are going to figure out something!! :) In October Debbie and I are going to try to meet up when I go with Dave to conference not far from her hometown. That will be so much fun to meet her after all of this time we have been chatting! She has been a wonderful support to me during this awful journey I am on. Sigh....Anyway, thanks Debbie for our chat this morning.

The Secret Garden Meeting

The Secret Garden Meeting is a place for parents who have lost their babies to come together and remember their babies.
Here is a quote from the site that explains it better than I can!

"Women from all over the world would meet under the tree at the secret place, The Secret Garden to watch the sun set on the last Friday of each month. They would all have in common a great loss. A loss of life. They would all talk amongst themselves. They would share their hearts and tears and they would welcome each new mother that would make her journey to the top of the hill where the secret garden would be. As the sun would set over the horizon they would pause in silence to remember their beloved children." Taken from the Secret Garden Meeting site. You can go to the site by clicking the button above.


How do you see or imagine your baby/ies now that you do not have them with you?
Since it's only been a little over 2 months since I lost my Moira Mae, I see her as a baby still. When I think of her, I think of her laughing and cooing with her daddy. Snuggling with him, close to him. I think of her cooing and snuggling with me, nursing, and content to be with her mommy. I imagine us as a family, alone enjoying our time together, taking walks, laying in bed just the three of us, in the morning before the day starts.
Sometimes when I think of her, I think of me still pregnant with her. That's when she was alive, moving around, kicking me. After she was born, she wasn't doing any of those, she lay on a bed in the NICU attached to many machines. So, I like to remember her when she was alive inside of me.

How did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancy?

Although I am not pregnant yet, we are trying again now. We want to get pregnant as soon as we can to help fill some of that hole left in our hearts when Moira left us. As my friend Trinity said to me the other night, "I don't think the hole will ever be filled, but I do think your heart will have an attachment that will act as a detour around the hole."
I have already made plans with my OB about what will happen with our next pregnancy. I have a consult appointment with a high risk OB. I will be watched even more carefully than I was with my pregnancy with Moira. I have already started on blood pressure medication to keep my BP within normal range now and when I am pregnant again. I will not go past 38 weeks either. My gut feeling tells me that whatever happened with Moira, her brain damage, happened in the last two weeks of my pregnancy. So, I refuse to go past that 38 week mark! If we can deliver at 37 weeks, than I will do it. I will also have a c-section. I had an emergency c-section after hours upon hours of labor with Moira. The whole experience was traumatic for both Dave and I. Although a c-section scares me, the thought of labor again scares me even more. I will have a c-section and bring my baby home alive and healthy.

Thanks for listening.